[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke, you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ And it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week, your month, or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, my.. Excuse me.
Move, move, move! Emergency, please.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
[yelling]
Rach!
There you are.
- Hey. - Hi.
Oh, so, so..
How was China?
You!
It was, it was great.
Oh, what happened?
- What? - Y-you're bleeding.
- I am? - Oh, my God.
Oh, look at that. Yes, I am.
Anyway, enough about me, enough about me
Mr. Back-From-The-Orient.
Come on, I want to hear everything.
Everything.
Well, uh, where do I start?
Um, well, this is Julie.
Uh, Julie, this is Rachel.
Hi.
Uh...oh!
Uh, these are.. these are...aren't for you.
Uh, these are for you.
Welcome to our country.
Thank you.
I'm from New York.
Oh, okay. Sorry. Well, not a problem.
I'll just use them to stop the bleeding.
Okay. Uh, baggage claim?
- Okay. - Okay.
No way.
I'm telling you, she went to the airport
and she's going to go for it with Ross.
Oh, my God.
This is huge.
This is.. This is bigger than huge.
This is like...alright, what's bigger than huge?
- Um...this? - Yes.
Guys, you got new haircuts.
Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.
'Cause, you know, if you don't look good
we don't look good.
I love that voice.
- Whoa. - Oh.
[panting] Airport! Airport!
Ross...not alone!
Julie..
Arm around her!
Oh...cramp! Cramp! Cramp!
Okay, I think she's trying to tell us something.
Quick, get the verbs.
Ow.
You...you, you said he liked me.
You, you..
You slowpokes!
That's alright, Rach. We got the bags.
Hi. Hello.
Julie, this is my sister, Monica.
This is Chandler.
- Hey. - Hey. Phoebe, hi.
Joey, what up?
Okay, everyone, this is Julie.
Julie.
(all) Oh.
- Hi! - Hi!
- Hey!
Hi. But I'm not here. You haven't met me.
I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow
when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
- And bus. - Oh, my God. That..
- The screaming guy? - And the spitting?
(Ross) You got to hear this story.
We're on this bus that's easily 200 years old, right?
- 200 at least. - And this guy--
And the chicken poops in her lap.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just gave away the ending, didn't I?
Oh, it's just I just heard this story in the cab
and it is all I can think about.
This is amazing.
I mean, how..? How did this happen?
Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
But we haven't seen each other since then.
Well, I land in China.
Guess who's in charge of the dig?
Julie!
Isn't that great?
I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch
spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
It's an expression.
We just wanted to say a quick hi
then we're going to go see the baby.
And then, we've got to get some sleep.
Yeah. It's really 6 o'clock tomorrow night our time.
Okay, well, listen
don't tell us what's going to happen though
'cause I like to be surprised.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?
- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.
- Hey, Rach. - Did you talk to him yet?
- No. - Then no.
So, what the hell happened to you in China?
I mean, when last we left you
you were totally in love with...you know.
I know, I know I was
but there was always this little voice inside
that kept saying, "It's never gonna happen.
Move on." And you know whose voice that was?
God?
It was you, pal.
Well, maybe it was God doing me.
Look, you were right, okay?
She looks at me and sees a friend.
That's all.
And then, I met Julie
and we're having a great time, and I have to say
I never would have gone for it with her
if it hadn't been for you.
Well, you owe me one, big guy.
Here's your lemonade.
I didn't order lemonade.
Oh. Well, then you better go take that back
'cause they're gonna charge you for that.
- But.. - Go, go, go, go, go.
Come on, come on.
Okay, so, uh, what did you find out?
He said..
He said.. He said..
He said they're having a great time.
- I'm sorry. - What?
But the silver lining if you want to see it
is that he made this decision all by himself.
Without any outside help whatsoever.
How is that a silver lining?
You have to really want to see it.
[crowd cheering]
Ironically, these are the guys
who were picked last in gym.
Hey, Pheebs.
You know what I'm thinking?
Oh, okay.
How..
It's been so long since you've had sex
you're wondering if they've changed it?
No, although now that's what I'm thinking.
So, what were you thinking?
Well, I was thinking that
you gave the guys such great haircuts
I thought maybe you'd like to do mine.
Oh.
No.
Why not?
Because I'm just..
I'm incredibly anal
and an unbelievable control freak.
No, you're not.
I know I'm not, but you are
and I was trying to spare your feelings.
[phone ringing]
(Joey) Hello?
Oh, hi.
Yeah, hold on a sec.
Ross, Julie for you.
(Ross) 'Hello? Hi.'
Hey, anybody know a good tailor?
You need some clothes altered?
No, no, I'm just looking for a man
to draw on me with chalk.
Why don't you go see Frankie?
My family's been going to him forever.
He did my first suit when I was 15.
No, wait. 16.
No. Excuse me. 15.
Alright, when was 1990?
Okay, you have to stop the q-tip
when there's resistance.
Okay, okay, sweetheart
I'll see you later.
Okay, bye. What?
Oh, that is so sweet.
No, no, okay.
No, you hang up.
No, you...okay.
Okay. One, two, three.
Well, you didn't hang up either.
(both) She didn't hang up either.
Okay, no.
No, you hang up.
You. You. Y..
I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
Rachel..
- I'll just call her back. - Okay.
(Ross) 'I'm sorry, we got disconnected.'
Okay, okay, okay, okay, how did this happen to me?
A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine.
Ross was just Ross. Just this guy.
Now, all of a sudden, he's Ross..
Oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
I know you did.
I'm just going to deal with it.
[kissing]
I got to get out of here.
Okay, I don't care what you guys say.
Something is bothering her.
You know, I think I was 16.
Please. Just a little bit off the back?
Um, I'm still on no.
- Uh, morning. - Hey.
Hey, do you guys think you could close your eyes for a sec?
Oh, no, no. I'm not falling for that again.
What's going on?
Well, I sort of did a stupid thing last night.
What stupid thing did you do?
Bongiorno, tutti!
Ew!
and you be on your way. Okay. Bye-bye.
Rachel, how did this happen?
I don't know. I just kind of ran into him last night.
- Where? - At his apartment.
Is this juice?
Whoa, whoa.
And the fact that you dumped him
'cause he hit on Phoebe?
Oh, God, I know I'm pathetic.
I'm a loser.
Honey, you're not pathetic.
You're just...you're sad.
Yeah, people do stupid things when they're upset.
My God, if I had a nickel for every guy
I wish I hadn't..
But this is about your horrible mistake.
Hi.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey.
'Sorry we're late.'
We were, uh..
Well, there was touching.
Hey..
Oh..
- Hey, Ross! - Paolo.
What a..
What, uh, what are you doing here?
I do Racquela.
Ah.
- So, uh, he's back. - Yeah, he's back.
Is that a problem?
No. Not a problem.
Good. Glad it's not a problem.
Okay, you're going to have to not touch my ass.
Well...despite the yummy bagels
and palpable tension
I've got pants that need to be altered.
Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie
tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello.
He'll know what it means.
You sure he's going to be able to crack that code?
You know, it's funny, the last time Paolo was here
my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
Alright.
Okay, but, but, you have to promise
that you will not be all, like, control-y and bossy
and all, you know, Monica about it.
I promise.
Alright, let's see.
Now, some of you are gonna get cut
and some of you aren't
but I promise, none of you will feel a thing.
Okay.
- Alright, that's it. I quit. - What? I didn't say anything.
Yeah, but this isn't the face
of a person who trusts a person, okay?
This is the face of a person
who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
I'm sorry. Sorry, Phoebe.
It's just, well, it's just a little shorter
than what we had discussed.
Would you relax?
I know what I am doing.
This is how he wears it.
How who wears it?
Demi Moore.
Demi Moore is not a he.
Well, he was a he in "Arthur" and in "Ten."
That's Dudley Moore.
I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Which one is Demi Moore?
She's the actress that was in "Disclosure"
"Indecent Proposal", "Ghost."
Oh. Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
I know!
Oh, God!
[man singing in Italian]
How long do you want the cuffs?
Ah, at least as long as I have the pants.
I just got that.
Okay, now we'll do your inseam.
How is she?
It's too soon to tell.
She's resting, which is a good sign.
How's the hair?
I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross.
It doesn't look good.
I put a clip on one side
which seems to have stopped the curling.
Well, can we see her?
Your hair looks too good. I think it would upset her.
Ross, why don't you come on in?
Well, how are you doing?
I'm okay.
Oh, that bad, huh?
What?
Look, Rach, I can sense
when women are depressed and vulnerable.
It's one of my gifts.
Sit.
[groaning]
Oh, Joey, when I saw him
get off that plane with her
I really thought I had just hit rock bottom
but today, it's like there's rock bottom
50 feet of crap, then me.
You got to tell Ross how you feel.
Oh, come on. How can I just tell him?
What about Julie?
What about her?
They've only been going out for two weeks.
Ross has been in love with you
for, like, ten years.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Look, Rach, Rach
I've been with my share of women.
In fact, I've been with a lot of people's
share of women.
But the point is, I've never felt about anyone
the way Ross felt about you.
Yo, paisan.
(Chandler) 'Can I talk to you for a sec?'
Your tailor is a very bad man.
Frankie? What are you talking about?
Hey, what's going on?
Joey's tailor..
took advantage of me.
What?
No way.
I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam.
Then he ran his hand up my leg
and then, there was definite..
What?
Cupping.
That's how they do pants.
First they go up one side, they move it over
then they go up the other side
they move it back, and then they do the rear.
What? Ross, will you tell him?
Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Yes, yes, it is. In prison!
What's the matter with you?
What?
That's not..?
Oh, my God.
Even Mary Tyler Moore would have been better.
Well, I like it.
I do. I think it's a ten.
[cracking up]
Thank you.
My hair is very amused.
Oh, come on, Monica. Things could be worse.
I mean, uh.. you could get caught
between the moon and New York City.
I know it's crazy, but it's true.
[laughing]
Thank you.
- Well, I got to go. Bye. - See ya.
- Bye, Rach. - Oh, wait. Are you leaving?
Yeah, that's kind of what I meant by "bye."
Well, uh, could I talk to you for a sec?
Okay.
Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test..?
That's okay.
What's going on?
Um..
Well, um, okay, first of all..
Paolo and I are not back together.
That was just a stupid thing that I did
and if I could go back in time
and do it again, well, I wouldn't.
[clearing throat]
Um...second of all..
What?
Okay. Before you say anything
I just need to know, is this one of those things
where you break up with a guy
and then I tell you what I think
and then, the next day you get back together with the guy
and I look like a complete idiot?
- No, no, no, no, no, no. - No?
Okay, um, well, then, I think the guy's scum.
I hate him. I mean, I actu..
I-I physically hate him.
You know? I always have, and you, you are..
You're way too good to be with a guy like that.
Really?
You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, you know
and who gets how.. how funny
and sweet and amazing
and adorable and..
sexy you are, you know?
Someone who wakes up every morning
thinking, "Oh, my God. I'm, I-I'm with Rachel!"
You know? Someone who makes you feel good.
Like the way I do with Julie.
Was there a.. a "second of all?"
Uh..
No. Um, I think that was the whole all.
I got to go. Okay? Okay.
Thanks.
Okay.
Bye.
No, I swear to God.
Dad, that's not how they measure pants.
I was thinking of doing it a little shorter.
You know like Andie McDowell's new haircut?
Oh, yeah. Oh, I could do that.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Do you wanna do it now? - Great.
- Okay. - Okay.
- See you. - Bye.
Okay, I just want to make really sure this time.
Andie McDowell is the girl
from "Four Weddings and a Funeral", right?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's Roddy McDowell.
Andie McDowell is the guy from "Planet of the Apes."
Oh, yeah.
Okay. Thank you.
You're welcome.
[theme music]