[instrumental music]
Man, this is weird.
You ever realize Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows
are actually on his hat?
That's what's weird?
Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal
for the last 40 years.
- Bah! Lah! - What?
The spoon. You licked and-and you put.
You licked and you put.
Yeah? So?
Well, don't you see how gross that is?
I mean, that's like you're using my toothbrush.
You used my toothbrush?
Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one
to unclog the drain.
Mine is the red one.
Oh, God.
Can open.
Worms everywhere.
Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush
but we can use the same soap?
Because soap is soap.
It's self-cleaning.
Alright, well, next time you take a shower
think about the last thing I washed
and the first thing you wash.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
Ooh, look at you fancy lads.
What's the occasion?
Well, you know the guy on my show that's in a coma?
He's having a brunch.
- Okay. I'm ready when you are? - Okey-doke.
I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.
Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?
Yes, but you cannot tell Ross
'cause I want to surprise him.
Wow. This is wild.
What are you going to get?
Um, I'm getting a lily.
For my mom 'cause her name's Lily.
Wow. That's lucky.
What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?
So where you getting it?
I think on my shoulder.
What? What's on your shoulder?
Um, a chip.
A tattoo. I'm getting a tattoo.
A tattoo?
Why? Why would you want to do that?
- Hi. - Hi.
Well, hey, you don't-you don't think they're kind of cool?
No. Sorry. I don't.
I mean, why would anyone pay
someone to scar their body for life?
And what if it doesn't come out right, Pheebs?
Then it's like, I don't know
I'm on a bad haircut all the time.
Why is everyone staring at me?
Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad.
Richard's going to be here any minute.
Ooh, Richard's going to the party too, huh?
Well, he's my parents' best friend. He has to be there.
So is today the day you're going to tell the about you two?
Yeah, for my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.
No, I think you should tell them.
No, I don't even know how serious he is about me.
Until I do, I'm not gonna tell them anything.
I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind.
Remember when you were nine and Richard was 30
how dad used to say, "God, I hope they get together?"
(Ross) 'Alright, shall we?'
Okay, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
You know what? Ross, let's-let's switch places.
- You get in the middle. - Okay.
No, you know, unless this looks like
we're trying to cover something up.
Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him
they still wouldn't believe it.
We're here.
- Oh, hi, kids. - 'Ah! The children.'
Hi, darling.
- Happy birthday, dad. - Oh, thank you.
- Hi, mom. - Happy birthday.
So, you kids thanked Dr. Burke for the ride?
Oh, actually, mom, I think Monica
thanked him for the both of us.
So, you kids take the train in?
No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.
Oh, speaking of whom
I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city.
Finger cramp.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
Here, let me get that, mom.
So...Richard's shopping in the junior section.
Mm-hmm.
Are we still on that?
And you just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.
She's probably not even very pretty.
Just young enough, so that everything is still pointing up.
[instrumental music]
(Joey) 'Can you believe this place?'
I know, this is a great apartment.
I was just in the bathroom.
And there's mirrors on both sides of you.
So when you're in there
it's like you're peeing with the Rockettes.
Well, there's my fantasy come true.
No, seriously.
- Hey. - Hey.
We were just saying great apartment, man.
- Thanks. You want it? - Huh?
Yeah, I'm moving to a bigger place.
You should definitely take this one.
Yeah. Can you see me in a place like this?
Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings?
Come on, I'll show you the kitchen.
[scoffs] Oh, that's alright, fellas.
I saw a kitchen this morning on TV.
Stop talking. Okay.
- Come on, tell us. - Yeah, is she really 20?
I am not telling you guys anything.
Come on, Rich, it's my birthday.
Let me live vicariously.
Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Ah, what's a little midlife crisis between friends?
Jack, would you let it go?
Look, I know what you're going through.
When I turned 50, I got the Porsche.
You, you got your own little speedster.
Guys, seriously, it is not like that.
Tell you what.
Maybe one of these weekends
you can borrow the car and I could--
Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
What? I'm kidding.
You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.
[both laughing]
[instrumental music]
Okay, Rach.
Which...which lily?
This lily or that lily?
- Well-- - I like this lily.
It's more open, you know.
And that's like my mom.
She had a more open, giving spirit.
Oh, Foghorn Leghorn! Oh.
Alright. Blonde girl, you're in room two.
Not so blonde girl, you're with me.
- Here we go. - Uh-huh.
- You're not going? - Uh-huh.
What, is it-is this 'cause of what Ross said?
No.
- Well, yeah, maybe. - I don't believe this.
Is this how this relationship's going to work?
Ross equals boss?
I mean...come on, what is this, 1922?
What's 1922?
Just, you know, a long time ago.
Well, when men used to tell women what to do, a lot.
And then there was suffrage which was a good thing
but it sounds horrible.
Do you want to get this tattoo?
Yes, I do. It's just that Ross--
Okay, hey, hey, is your boyfriend the boss of you?
- No. - Okay, who is the boss of you?
You?
No. You are the boss of you.
Now, you march your hiney in there
and get that heart tattooed on your hip.
- Okay. - Go!
How you doing?
I'm a twinkie.
Really? I'm a hero.
Oh.
This is so hard.
Yeah, I know.
I hate it too.
Look, maybe we should just tell them.
Maybe we should just tell your parents first.
My parents are dead.
God, you are so lucky.
No, no. I mean..
- Well, you know what I mean. - I know. I know.
Just hang in there, okay?
Okay, I'll go out first, alright?
Alright.
Judy. Going to the bathroom!
Good for you!
Thank you, Richard.
I appreciate the support.
Honey.
Honey, have you seen my Harmon Killebrew bat?
Bob doesn't believe I have one.
I have no idea.
Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?
I know, he's like a new man.
It's like a scene from "Cocoon."
I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.
Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro
that she's quite a girl.
In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks
he's falling in love with her.
(Judy) 'Really?'
(Jack) 'I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.'
So, Jack, you ever think
about trading me in for a younger model?
Of course not.
With you, it's like I've got two 25 year olds.
Oh, Jack, stop.
(Jack) 'Come on.'
'It's my birthday.'
[instrumental music]
Can we drop this?
I am not interested in the guy's apartment.
Oh, please.
I saw the way you were checking out his moldings.
You want it.
Why would I want another apartment, huh?
I've already got an apartment that I love.
Well, it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
Alright, you want the truth?
I'm thinking about it.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I'm 28 years old. I've never lived alone.
And I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money
that I don't need a roommate anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't need a roommate either...okay?
I can afford to live here by myself.
You know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week
to lick the silverware.
What are you getting so bent out of shape for, huh?
It's not like we agreed to live together forever.
We're not Bert and Ernie.
Look, you know what?
If this is the way you feel
then maybe you should take it.
Well, that's how I feel.
- Then maybe you should take it. - Well, then, maybe I will.
- Fine with me. - Great.
Then you'll be able to spend more quality time
with your real friends, the spoons.
Whose drink can I freshen?
Almost time for cake.
Mon?
Mon, are you okay?
You remember that video I found of mom and dad?
Yeah?
Well, I just caught the live show.
Eww.
[instrumental music]
Hey, there.
- What? - Nothing.
I just..
...heard something nice about you.
Oh, really?
(Judy) 'Richard?'
Richard..
...your son isn't seeing anyone, is he?
Uh, not that I know of.
Well, I was thinking
why doesn't he give Monica a call?
That..
That's an idea.
Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.
- Oh? - Oh?
Oh..
[gasps]
She never tells us anything.
Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?
Mom, there are so many people in my life.
Some of them are seeing people
and some of them aren't.
Is that crystal?
So, who's the mystery man?
Well, uh, he's a doctor.
A real doctor?
No, a doctor of meat.
Of course he's a real doctor.
And he's handsome.
And he's sweet, and I know you'd like him.
Well, that's wonderful.
I..
Mom, it's okay.
It is, Judy.
Jack.
Could you come in here for a moment?
- Now! - Found it.
I'll take that, dad.
It seems your daughter and Richard
are something of an item.
That's impossible.
He's got a twinkie in the city.
Dad, I'm the twinkie.
You're the twinkie?
She's not a twinkie.
Alright, look-look, you guys
this is the best relationship I've been in--
Oh, please! A relationship?
Yes, a relationship.
For your information, I am crazy about this man.
Really?
- Yes. - Wow.
Am I supposed to stand here
and listen to this on my birthday?
Dad, dad, this is a good thing for me.
You know and you even said yourself
you'd never seen Richard happier.
When did I say that?
Upstairs in the bathroom.
Right before you felt up mom.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear Jack ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
[Phoebe gasps]
Oh, it looks so good.
Oh, I love it.
I know. So do I.
Oh, Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this.
Okay, let me see yours.
Uh..
Okay, let's see yours again.
Phoebe, we just saw mine. Let me see yours.
Oh, okay.
Oh, no!
Oh, it's gone.
That's so weird.
I don't know how, where it went.
- You didn't get it? - No.
- Why didn't you get it? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Phoebe, how could you do this to me?
This was all your idea.
I know, I know and I was gonna get it
but then he came in with this needle.
And did you know they do this with needles?
Really? You don't say?
Because mine was licked on by kittens!
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry about what--
Yeah, me too.
- I know. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Say, do we need to hug here or..
- No. We're alright. - Yeah. Yeah.
So I got you something.
Plastic spoons.
Great.
Lick away, my man.
These will go great in my new place.
- Until I get real ones. - What?
Well, I can't use these forever.
I mean, let's face it, they're no friend of the environment.
No, no, I mean, what..
What's this about your new place?
I'm moving out, like we talked about.
Well, I didn't think that was serious.
You know, I thought that was just a fight.
Well, it was a fight.
Based on serious stuff, remember?
About how I never lived alone or anything.
I just think it would be good for me.
You know, help me to grow or...whatever.
Well, there you go.
Hey, are you cool with this?
I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.
Hey, no. I've never been lower or wetter.
I'll be fine, I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom
into a game room or something, you know.
Put the foosball table in there.
Whoa!
Why do you get to keep the table?
[scoffs]
- I did pay for half of it. - Yeah.
And, uh..
[chuckles] ...I paid for the other half.
Alright, I'll tell you what.
I'll play you for it.
Alright, you're on.
I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.
Your little men are going to get scored on more times
than your sister.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which sister?
So are you sorry that I told them?
No, it's been a long time
since your dad and I went running.
- Oh. - Oh.
Well, did you get it? Let me see?
- Is Ross here? - No, he went out to get pizza.
- 'Okay, really quick.' - Okay.
[gasps] That's great.
Very tasteful.
Want to see mine? Want to see mine?
Yes!
What? You didn't get one.
Okay, well, then what is this?
What are we looking at?
That blue freckle?
Okay, that's my tattoo.
That is not a tattoo. That is a nothing.
I finally got her back in the chair
he barely touched her with the needle
she jumped up screaming and that was it.
Okay, hi.
For your information, this is exactly what I wanted.
This is a tattoo of the earth
as seen from a great, great distance.
It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.
- Aww. - Oh, what a load of crap.
That is a dot.
Your mother is up in heaven going
"Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?"
Okay, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo.
This is a tattoo!
You got a tattoo?
Maybe.
But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.
Well, let me see.
Well?
Well, it's really..
...sexy.
I wouldn't have thought it would be, but..
...wow.
Really?
Yeah. So, uh..
...is it sore, or can you do stuff?
I guess.
Hey, save us some pizza.
[giggling]
Get out of the corner!
Pass it. Pass it!
Stop talking to your men.
Yes!
And the table is mine.
Congratulations.
[instrumental music]
Hey, you guys are still going to come visit me, right?
Oh, yeah, you got the big TV.
We'll be over there all the time.
Except when we are here.
I know you're just moving uptown
but I'm really going to miss you.
I know. How can you not be across the hall anymore?
Yeah, who's going to eat all our food
and tie up our phone lines, and..
Is that my bra?
What the hell you doing with my bra?
Oh, no, no, it's-it's not what you think.
We, uh, we used it to, you know
fling water balloons off the roof.
Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even
get theirs across the street.
Yeah, I remember.
Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.
Thanks.
So, uh...you want me to, uh, give you
a hand with the foosball table?
Nah. You keep it.
You need the practice.
Thanks.
So..
...I guess this is it.
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
I guess so.
Listen, uh..
...I don't know when I'm going to see you again.
Well, I'm guessing, uh, tonight at the coffee house.
Right. Yeah. Okay.
Uh...take care.
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[theme music]
[music continues]