Joey, just slow down, they're not gonna be sold out of papers
at one o'clock in the morning.
I'm excited, I've never gotten reviewed before.
You were so amazing as the king.
I'm really impressed, I was.
Although you know what?
You might wanna consider wearing underwear next time.
Yeah, 'cause when you sat down on your throne
you could kind of see your...royal subjects.
Here it is, here it is!
"The only thing worse than the mindless
"adolescent direction is Joseph Tribbiani's
disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king."
Okay, look, that is one guy's opinion.
- Yeah. - Alright.
- Pheebs, read yours. - Okay.
"The only thing worse than the mindless
"adolescent direction..
Does anybody have one from a different paper?
Ross, read yours.
- I don't want to. - Oh!
Joey, honey, they-they don't know what they're talking about.
- Yes. - Maybe they do.
I've been doing this 10 years and I haven't gotten anywhere.
- There's got to be a reason. - Oh, come on, man,
You're just, uh, you're just paying your dues.
No, no, no it's-it's too hard.
It's not worth it. I quit.
[indistinct chatter]
Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute.
I believe this will change your mind.
"In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani
"was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..
"continued on page 153.
Sucking."
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was ♪
♪ Gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck ♪
♪ In second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪
When I was little I wanted to be a veterinarian
but then I found out you have to put
your hands into cows and stuff.
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
'Are-are you okay?'
Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work, you know.
A stegosaurus fell over and trapped the kid.
Well, look, I know this jacket.
This is the.. Fun Bobby's jacket.
Where is he? What? He's here, isn't he?
- Maybe. - Don't toy with me.
- Geller! - Hey, Fun Bobby!
Hey! Whoa, you been working out, huh?
Not at all.
I love this guy.
Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister.
- You and me both. - Hey, so what did I miss?
What'd I miss, come on.
Oh, we were trying to make Joey feel better.
Hey, do you need me to pick you up?
Uh, no, I'm alright, man, really.
No, I'm picking you up.
Hey, no, seriously, I don't need you to..
[grunts]
Alright! It still works.
Okay, now, before I go
does anybody else need to be picked up?
I'm still gonna go.
Okay, I'll-I'll see you later, babe.
Uh, public display of affection coming up.
You can avert your eyes.
- See ya. - Bye.
- Aah, Fun Bobby is so great. - Oh, isn't he?
Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him.
I mean he just makes me feel so good.
And I've been feeling so lousy, you know
last couple of months no job, no boyfriend.
Well, at least my cup is half full.
Half full of love.
And for our two week anniversary he's gonna take me
to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.
Cabin of love.
We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys.
Really, I only had two glasses.
- I just had a glass. - Two.
I had one glass.
Uh, I had about a mugful in this lovely
"I got boned at the museum of natural history" mug.
Okay, so that's-that's
what, two bottles and yet, somehow we went through five?
- Oh. - Ooh.
Oh.
So what? So he drank a lot tonight.
Yeah, but, you know, now that I think about it
I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby
without, uh, a drink in his hand.
Yeah, and ooh, oh, yeah, you know
did you notice, how he always starts his stories with, um
"Okay, I was so wasted or, oh, we were so bombed"
or, um, ooh, "So I wake up and I'm in this dumpster
in Connecticut."
Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?
Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places
where you might drink.
I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink?
Or-or to a club, or to the...zoo?
Thanks. Rach, does this have non-fat milk?
Um...I-I don't know.
Why don't you taste it?
Mmm. No.
Oh, well, too late. Sorry, you already had some.
What do you say we make these coffees Irish?
'Ahem um..'
Cake!
Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna get some cake.
You know, it seems like you've been making an awful
lot of stuff "Irish" lately.
Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles
are hard to get into that flask.
Bobby.
Yeah, okay.
Look, maybe this is none of my business
or maybe it is, I don't know
but um, I'm kinda worried about you.
Okay, look, this isn't the first time somebody's
said something to me about this
but I don't know, I always made excuses about it like
I'm just a social drinker.
Or, hey, come on, it's flag day.
So, what are you saying now?
I guess, I'm saying..
...I'll try and quit.
I kind of like that you worry about me.
So, what's going on, huh?
I am gonna try and quit drinking.
Oh, why?
- Hey. - Hey.
Guess who's back in show business?
Ooh! Ooh! Lorne Greene?
No. No, Pheebs. You know why? 'Cause he's dead.
Oh, no.
Okay, I guess it's gonna seem kind of bittersweet now
but Joey, that's who.
- Oh! Really? - Yeah.
My agent just called me with an audition
for "Days of Our Lives."
Oh! Yes!
Well, we have to celebrate. You know we should do?
We should do like a soap opera theme.
Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together
and then one of us could get amnesia.
Hey, Rach, what time do you get off?
We're all gonna do something tonight.
Um, well, actually, I'm already done.
Ahem, but I-I've kind of got plans.
[gasps] You have other friends?
Yeah. I, uh, I have...I-I have a date.
- What? - With a man?
What? What is so strange about me having a date?
What about Ross?
I mean, are you still mad him
'cause he made that list about you?
No, no, I'm not mad at him.
I'm not really anything at him anymore.
- What are you talking about? - I don't know.
I, wh-whatever I was feeling.
I'm...not.
But you guys came so close.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry, you guys.
You're just gonna have to get used to the fact
that I will not be dating Ross.
Here he is.
Hi.
Guys. This is Russ.
Hi.
No. No, no, no, no, I'm not saying you're not talented.
You're very talented.
It's just that with the bird dead and all
there's very little act left.
Oh, honey, give me a break.
Oh. I'll talk to you later.
Well, there's my favorite client.
So, tell me, darling, how was the audition?
Well, I think it went pretty well.
I-I got a callback for Thursday.
Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?
- No. - Well, here it is.
Okay, uh, listen, there's something I wanna talk
to you about, the network casting lady--
Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
Yeah, yeah, she's great
but...I kinda got the feeling that she was
sort of...coming onto me.
And I definitely would get the part
if I would have, you know..
If I would have sent the little general in.
Oh.
I see.
Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here
and we'll find out what's going on and straighten it out.
Yeah, hi.
Lori, please.
'Hi, darling.'
So, how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver?
Isn't he terrific?
Uh-huh.
'Uh-huh.'
Okay, doll, talk to you later.
Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
- What's the matter? - Fun Bobby.
- What? Isn't he sober? - Oh, he's sober, alright.
Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
- Oh. - Thanks.
Alright, here you go, sweetie.
Thanks.
You want to hear something funny?
Oh, God, yes.
There are no hardware stores open past midnight
in the village.
That is funny.
I needed to buy a hammer the other night
and I'm out walking around the neighborhood.
But apparently, there are no hardware stores
open past midnight in the village.
Say, honey, don't you have to be at your interview now?
Oh, yeah.
- 'See you guys.' - Bye..
...Ridiculously dull Bobby.
Oh, my God.
It's not that bad.
Not that bad?
Did you not hear the hammer story?
Okay, okay. Don't get all squinky.
Maybe it was the kind of story where you had to be there.
But I'm going to be there
for the rest...of my life.
I mean, I can't break up with him.
I'm the one who made him quit drinking.
He's dull because of me.
Alright, don't say that.
He's probably always been dull.
You just.. You know, set it free.
- Hi. - Hey, Ross. Bah!
Hi, Russ.
I've just got two more tables to clean
and then we'll go, okay?
Okay, I'll just sit here and, uh..
...chat with your, uh..
...friend...type..
...people.
[clears throat]
- Rachel. - Yeah.
- Um, hi. - Hi.
Okay, so you know what you're doing, right?
[chuckles] Waitressing?
Well, yeah, but no.
I mean, um, okay.
Doesn't-doesn't Russ
just remind you of someone?
Huh?
Bob Saget?
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no, no. Oh, oh.
- Hi. - Oh, my, oh.
Wha.. What's wrong?
I.. Okay.
She's just upset because she, uh, buttered
a spider into her toast this morning.
Alright.
Listen, Pheebs, this is gonna be okay.
Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
- Hi. - Hi.
Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
Actually, I'm, uh, kind of, uh..
...you know, uh..
...date...type...thing
of Rachel's.
- A date? - Yeah.
I'm her date.
Oh, oh, you're, uh, you..
Oh, you're the date?
You know, this is actually good because if we ever lose Ross
we have a spare.
Oh, you are the uh, paleontologist.
Yes. Yes, I am.
And you are a..
Periodontist.
See, they're as different as night and..
...later that night.
Well, I am going to, uh, get a beverage.
Uh, it was nice-nice, uh, meeting you.
Ditto.
I, uh, well, I met Russ.
Oh.
Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
Well, we're not seeing each other, so..
Huh.
Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum
who's curator of moths and other
uh...winged things.
Who's, uh..
let it be known that she is drawn to me
much like a.. Well, you know..
Ahem, well, so far I've been keeping her at bay
but if this is the deal--
Well, yeah, this is the deal.
Okay, well, uh, have a nice evening.
Thank you.
Ahem. Russ, you ready?
Yeah.
- 'Bye.' - 'Bye.'
'Bye.'
She's dating?
Yes. Yes, but did you see who she was dating?
What do you mean?
- Do you not see it? - See what?
I don't know what she sees in-in that goober.
And it.. And it takes him, what?
like-like, I don't know, uh, uh, hello
a week to get out a sentence?
Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey.
Whoa, whoa.
So I'm guessing you didn't get the part
or Italy called and said it was hungry.
The part's mine if I want it.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
If I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
Oh, my..
...God.
Ten years I've been waiting for a break
like this Chandler, ten years.
I mean, "Days of Our Lives"
that's actually on television.
So what are you gonna do?
I guess I could sleep with her, I mean..
But how can I do that?
Well, I-I've got a pop up book
that told me everything I need to know.
I've never slept with someone for a part.
Well, is she..
- Sorry. - It's alright.
- Is she good-looking? - Yeah.
She's totally good-looking.
I mean, if I met her in a bar or something
I'd be buying her breakfast.
You know, after having slept with her.
You know, maybe this isn't such a big deal.
You know, I mean, the way that I see it is.
You get a great job and you get to have sex.
You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy
and you've got Christmas.
I just, I just don't think that I want
it that way though, you know?
I mean, let's say I do make it, alright.
I'm always gonna look back and wonder
if it was because of my talent
or because of, you know..
...the little general.
Didn't you used to call it the little major?
Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
Can I get you something from the bar?
Yes, I would like something.
No. No, thank you.
If-If you want a drink, it's okay with me.
I've got to get used to it.
No, really, I-I wouldn't feel right about it.
Just some water, please.
So the light went out in my refrigerator.
I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
I'm sorry.
Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross?
Want to do another one, huh, Russ?
Okay, 11 letters.
"Atomic element number 101
ends in ium."
Dysprosium.
[chuckles] Dysprosium?
Try mendelevium.
And weenie number two has it.
Unless, of course, nine down "Knights in White Satin"
was sung by the Doody Blues.
You don't see it? You actually don't see it?
- What? - Okay.
Honey, you're dating Ross.
No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ.
Russ is Ross.
Russ, Ross.
Steve, Sleeve. Aah.
Okay, fine, no one is named Sleeve.
Pheebs, what the hell are you talking about?
Other than their names being similar
I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
For your information it's a card sharp
not a card shark.
You could not be more wrong.
You could try, but you would not be successful.
Okay, I'm gonna get some more coffee
before the pinching and eye poking begins.
I know what your problem is.
Oh, you do, do you?
Uhm-hm, you're jealous.
Uh...of what?
You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Hey, you're a doctor of gums.
That's the smallest body part you can major in.
'It's like, day one floss.'
'Day two here's your diploma.'
- You listen-- - No, no.
- Let me finish. - No, let me finish.
No, you let me finish.
Hi.
Ew.
Ew, ew, ew..
Did Joey say what he was gonna do when he left?
No. I don't even think he knew.
Hey, would you sleep with somebody
to get a great job?
I don't know.
Who would I have to sleep with?
Me.
Why would I have to sleep with you?
It's my game. You want the job, or not?
- Hi. - Hey.
- Morning. - Where are you going?
Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?
Oh!
'What's with all the bottles of liquor?'
What's going on? Is bobby drinking again?
Oh no, no, this is not for him this is for me.
That way he's still sober but I find his stories
about shoelaces much more amusing.
[knocks]
Aah, God, even his knock is boring.
Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
Uh, could I talk to you a minute?
Sure.
This is really hard for me to say.
Oh, God! You fell off the wagon.
Oh, no, no.
It's about you.
What about me?
I think you may have a drinking problem.
What? These?
No, these are, um...
...for cuts and scrapes.
Look, I am just not strong enough
to be in a co-dependent relationship right now, okay?
Oh, shoot.
Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
Okay.
- Take care. - Okay, you too.
Bye.
What happened?
Well, we...we kind of broke up.
(all in unison) Oh.
Does anybody want these?
I'll take one.
Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this
and pretend I'm a giant.
- Hey. - Hey.
How'd the callback go?
[sighs] It was unbelievable.
I walked in there, and she was all over me.
- So what you do? - Well, I couldn't do it.
I told her I didn't wanna get the part that way.
- Good for you. - Wow.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, then after I left her office
she caught up with me at the elevator
and offered me an even bigger part.
So, and?
So, you are now looking at
Dr. Drake Ramoray neurosurgeon
recurring in at least four episodes!
[all cheering]
Alright, I got to go shower.
Hi.
- Oh, hey. - Hi.
I guess you guys heard Rachel dumped me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Oh, all she said was that I remind too much of somebody.
Do you have any idea who she's talking about?
Um...oh, I do. It's- it's Bob Saget.
- She hates him. - Hmm.
- Hey. - Hey, Julie.
- Hey, how are you doing? - Hi.
Oh, um, I don't know.
I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross
but I guess I'm doing okay.
Actually, I've got some of his stuff that he, um..
[dramatic music]