What you guys don't understand is for us
kissing is as important
as any part of it.
Yeah, right!
You serious?
Oh, yeah!
Everything you need to know
is in that first kiss.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I think for us
kissing is pretty much like
an opening act, you know?
I mean it's like the stand-up comedian
you have to sit through before
Pink Floyd comes out.
Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian
it's just that-that that's not why we bought the ticket.
You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over
no matter how great the show was
you girls are always lookin' for the comedian again, you know?
I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic
basically just tryin' to stay awake.
Yeah, well, word of advice. Bring back the comedian.
Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself
sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Are we still talking about sex?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ You're love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ Well it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
No, it's good, it is good, uh, it's just that mm..
Doesn't she seem a little angry?
Well, she has issues.
Does she?
He's out banging other women over the head with a club
while she sits at home
trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet.
Marsha, these are cave people.
Okay? They have issues like..
Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.
Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
My...no. No.
- Yes, it is. Carol! Hi! - Okay, okay, yes, it is.
How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the ice age.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Oh. - Uh.
So..
You look great. I, uh, I hate that.
Sorry. Thanks. You look good too.
Ah, well, in here, anyone who..
...stands erect..
- So what's new? Still, uh-- - A lesbian?
Well..
...you never know.
How's, um..
How's the family?
Marty's still totally paranoid.
- Oh, and, uh-- - Why-why are you here, Carol?
- I'm pregnant. - Pregnant?
Huh! Looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry, after all.
Oh, I think this is the episode of "Three's Company"
where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Then I've already seen this one!
Are you through with that?
Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Whose little ball of paper is this?
Oh, uh, that would be mine.
See, I wrote a note to myself
and then I realized I didn't need the notes
so I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.
She's already fluffed that pillow.
Monica, you know, you've already fluffed..
But, it's fine!
Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them
any more ammunition than they already have.
Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about
the flatness of a child's pillow.
Monica, hi! Um..
Monica, you're scaring me.
I mean, you're like, you're all chaotic and twirly, you know.
And not-not in a good way.
Yeah, calm down.
You don't see Ross getting all chaotic
and twirly every time they come.
That's because as far as my parents are concerned
Ross can do no wrong.
You see, he's the prince.
Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
- Ew, ew, ew! - What?
Ugly naked guy got a Thighmaster.
(in unison) Ew!
Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
No-no, don't touch that.
Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough
having to give it back to him..
Hi, Barry! Remember me?
I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart
in front of your entire family!
Oh, God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring
without the ring, which makes it so much harder.
Easy, Rach, we'll find it.
- Won't we? - Oh, yeah.
Alright, when did you have it on last?
Doy! Probably right before she lost it.
You don't get a lot of doy these days.
I know, I had it this morning
and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with..
Dinah?
Oh, don't be mad.
- You didn't. - Oh, I'm sorry.
I gave you one job!
Oh, but look how straight those noodles are.
Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look
for an engagement ring in a lasagna.
I just can't do it.
Boys? We're going in.
[knock on door]
Hi.
Wow. That is not a happy hi.
Carol's pregnant.
Ooh! I found it!
W-w-what?
Yeah.
Do that for another two hours
you might be where I am right about now.
Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?
Well now, how how do you fit into this whole thing?
Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved
but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.
Basically it's totally up to me.
She is so great! I miss her.
Well, what does she mean by involved?
I mean, presumably the biggest part of your job is done.
Anyway, they want me to go down to this
sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
- Wow. - So what are you gonna do?
I have no idea.
No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.
[cutlery clanking]
Well, this is still ruined, right?
[instrumental music]
Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you.
Mmm! What's that curry taste?
Curry?
Mmm!
I-I think they're great!
I, I really do. I--
Do you remember the Ludwins?
The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?
They all had a thing for him.
Oh, mom..
I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?
Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something
in cooking, or food, or I don't know.
Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant.
No, mom, I don't have a restaurant
I work in a restaurant.
Well, they don't have to know that.
Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
Yes.
Oh, we're having spaghetti!
That's easy.
I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish on my part
but, were you planning on bringing up the whole
baby, lesbian thing?
Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.
What that Rachel did to her life.
We ran into her parents at the club
they were not playing very well.
I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding
but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!
Well, at least she had the chance
to leave a man at the altar.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing!
It's an expression.
- No it's not. - Don't listen to your mother.
You're independent, and you always have been!
Even when you were a kid and you were chubby
and you had no friends, you were just fine.
And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles..
Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars
with his museum, and his papers getting published.
Other people are satisfied with staying where they are.
I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.
And I read about these women trying to have it all
and I thank God, our little harmonica
doesn't seem to have that problem.
So, Ross, what's going on with you?
Any stories?
No news, no little anecdotes
to share with the folks?
Okay! Okay.
[clears throat]
Look, I, uh I realize
you guys have been wondering what exactly happened
between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal.
Carol's a lesbian.
She's living with a woman named Susan.
She's pregnant with my child
and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
And you knew about this?
[instrumental music]
Your folks are really that bad, huh?
[scoffs] Well, you know, these people are pros.
They know what they're doing, they take their time
they get the job done.
Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents.
Boy, if you could, I'd want yours.
Must pee.
You know, it's even worse when you're twins.
- You're twins? - Oh, yeah.
We don't speak.
She's like this high-powered
driven career type.
What does she do?
She's a waitress.
Alright, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now.
Chandler, you're an only child, right?
You don't have any of this.
Well, no, although
I did have an imaginary friend
who my parents actually preferred.
The lights, please.
How long was I in there?
I'm just cleaning up.
Oh, you, uh, you need any help?
Um, okay, sure! Thanks!
[sighs]
Anyway. Um..
So, you, uh, you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
Oh. A little.
Mm-hmm.
- A lot. - Mm-hmm.
So, got any advice?
You know, as someone who's recently been dumped?
Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word dumped.
Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man
you know, so you should try not to look
too terrific, I know it'll be hard.
Or, you know, I can, uh..
Hey, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring
and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OBGYN..
Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.
Oh, when did it get so complicated?
Got me.
Remember when we were in high school together?
Yeah.
I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet someone
fall in love and that'd be it?
- Ross? - Yes, yes!
Oh!
Man, I never thought I'd be here.
Me neither.
Hi. Oh, sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work.
There was this big dinosaur thing, anyway.
Hi.
Ross, you remember Susan.
- How could I forget? - Ross.
Hello, Susan. Good shake. Good shake.
So, uh, we're just waiting for?
- Dr. Oberman. - Dr. Oberman.
- Okay. And is he-- - She.
She. Of course she.
She, uh, familiar with our special situation?
Yes, and she's very supportive.
Great, okay, that's great.
No, I'm, oh.
Thanks.
[imitating duck]
Ross, that opens my cervix.
- Barry? - Come on in.
- Are you sure? - Yeah! It's fine, it's fine.
Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
Huh?
So, how ya doin'?
I'm, uh, I'm okay.
- You look great! - Yeah, well..
(woman on radio) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Be right there.
Be back in a second.
I dumped him.
Okay.
So, um so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work?
You know, with us?
You know, when, like important
decisions have to be made?
Give me a for instance.
Well, uh, uh, I don't know. Okay, okay.
How about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
- Marlon! - Marlon?
If it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
As in Mouse?
As in my grandmother.
Still, you you say Minnie, you hear Mouse.
Um, how about, um..
How about, Julia?
- Julia. - We agreed on Minnie.
It's funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend
the rest of our lives together.
Things change, roll with the punches.
I believe Julia's on the table?
Oh. Sorry about that.
So. What have you been up to?
Oh, not much.
- I-I got a job. - Oh, that's great.
Why are why are you so tanned?
Oh, I, uh, I went to Aruba.
Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
No.
I went with, uh..
Now, this may hurt.
- Me? - No!
I went with Mindy.
Mindy?
My maid of honor, Mindy?
Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
Oh! Well, um..
- You've got plugs! - Careful!
They haven't quite taken yet.
And you've got lenses!
But you hate sticking your finger in your eye.
Not for her.
Oh.
Listen, I-I really wanted to thank you.
Okay.
See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you.
More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life.
- And I'm an orthodontist. - Well..
You know, you were right?
I mean, I thought we were happy.
We weren't happy.
'But with Mindy..'
'...now I'm happy.'
- Spit. - What?
Me.
Uh, anyway, um..
I guess, uh, I guess this belongs to you.
And thank you for giving it to me.
Well, thank you for giving it back.
Hello?
Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
Helen Geller?
I don't think so.
Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Thank you!
No, I mean it's not Geller.
What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
No, actually, um
we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
Wait a minute, wha.. Why is she in the title?
Because it's my baby too.
Really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.
Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!
Alright, you two, stop it!
No, no, no, she gets a credit.
Hey, I'm in there too.
Ross.
You're not actually suggesting
Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller?
'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.
Of course not, I'm suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Oh, no, no, no, you see what he's doing?
He knows no-one's gonna say all those names
He knows they'll wind up calling her Geller
then he gets his way.
My way? You you think this is my way?
Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment
in my life being, this is not my way..
You know what? Uh, um, this is too hard.
- I'm not, I can't do-- - Knock knock.
How are we today? Any nausea?
- A little. - Yeah, actually.
Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be
but thanks for sharing.
Uh, lie back.
You know what? I'm gonna go.
I don't I don't think I can be involved
in this particular family thing right now.
[heart beating]
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
I know.
[instrumental music]
Well? Isn't that amazing?
[heart beating]
What are we supposed to be seein' here?
I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
You know, if you tilt your head to the left
and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
- Then don't do that, alright? - Okay!
Monica.
- What do you think? - Mm-hmm.
Are you welling up?
- No. - You are, you're welling up.
- I am not. - You're gonna be an aunt.
Oh, shut up!
Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I-I saw Barry today.
Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me.
No, no, it's okay. Really. It's okay.
I hope you two are very happy, I really do.
Oh, oh, and Mind, you know, if-if everything works out
and you guys end up getting married and having kids
and everything..
I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose.
Okay, I know it was a cheap shot
but I feel so much better now.