(Ross) There's little Ben nodding off.
Aw, look at Aunt Monica's little boy.
Oh, look. He's got Ross' haircut.
Oh, let me see.
Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing.
You must just want to kiss him all over.
That would be nice.
Pfft.
- Pardon? - Nothing.
Just a little extra air in my mouth.
[blowing air]
Hey, Chan, can you help me out here?
- I promise I'll pay you back. - Oh, yeah, right, okay.
Including the waffles last week
you now owe me..
...seventeen jillion dollars.
I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
[sighing] And where's this money coming from?
Well, I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School
with some, uh, research.
What kind of research?
Uh, just, you know, science..
Science..
Yeah, I think I've heard of that.
[sighing] It's a fertility study.
[laughing] Oh, Joey.
Please tell me you're only donating your time.
Alright, come on, you guys. It's not that big a deal.
Really, I mean, I just go down there every other day
and...make my contribution to the project.
Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get $700.
Wow, oh, you're going to be making money hand over fist.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Okay, we got the coleslaw, we got the buns.
We've got the ground-up flesh
of formerly cute cows and turkeys.
Men are here.
We make fire.
- Cook meat. - Then put out fire by peeing.
- No get invited back. - Eww. Eww.
Oh, Joey, Melanie called, said she's going to be late.
Oh, okay.
So, how are things going with you two?
Is she becoming your special someone?
I don't know. She's, uh, she's pretty great.
Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
What, you think I'm going to tell a girl I like
that I'm also seeing a cup?
Man's got a point.
Yeah, well, the tough thing is
she really wants to have sex with me.
Crazy bitch.
Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program.
And according to the rules, if I want to get the money
I'm not allowed to conduct any personal experiments
if you know what I mean.
Joey, we always know what you mean.
- Hey. - Hey.
How long did you think this barbecue was going to last?
I'm going to China.
Geez, you say one thing and..
- You're going to China? - Yeah, it-it's for the museum.
Uh, someone found a bone, and we want the bone
but they don't want us to have the bone.
So I'm going to try and persuade them to give us the bone..
It's a, it's a whole big bone thing.
Anyway, I'm going to be gone for like, uh, like, a week.
So, uh, if you want to reach me, you-you can't.
So, here's my itinerary.
- Um...here's a picture of me. - Oh, let me see.
Could you take it to Carol's every now and then
and show it to Ben just so he doesn't forget me?
- Yeah. - Hi, Ben. I'm your father.
I am thehead! Ha-a-a!
Alright, this barbecue's going to be very fun.
Hey, is Rachel here?
Um, I wanted to wish her
a happy birthday before I, I left.
Oh, no. She's out having drinks with Carl.
Oh.
Hey, who's Carl?
You know, that guy she met at the coffee house.
- No. - Oh.
Well, see, there's this guy that she met--
At the coffee house. Right.
So you do know who he is.
Okay, I'm going to go say good-bye to the guys.
Okay, hey, you know what, tell them that bone story.
- Hi. - Hey.
- I have to go to China. - The country?
No, no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront.
Do you guys know who Carl is?
Uh, let's see, Alvin, Simon, Theodore..
No.
Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
Oh, no, how can she do that
when she's never shown any interest in you?
- Forget about her. - He's right, man. Please.
Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Of course, there they just call it "Food."
Yeah, I guess. I don't, I don't know.
Alright, just, just give her this for me, okay?
Listen, buddy, we, we're just looking out for you.
- I know. - We want you to be happy.
And I may have only have a couple of beers in me
but, I love you, man.
I'm still on my first, I..
...I just think you're nice.
Anyway, that's when me and my friend
started this whole fruit-basket business.
We call ourselves "The Three Basketeers."
Like "The Three Musketeers," only with fruit.
- Oh.. - Okay.
How does everybody like their burgers?
Oh, no, no, presents first, food later.
Hey, hold on there, tiger.
How's it going? How're you holding up?
Well, not so good.
She definitely thinks tonight's the night
we're going to complete the transaction
if you know what..
And you do.
So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
What do you mean?
You know, just be there for her.
Not following you.
Think about it.
Okay, I'm...guessing this is from..
Well, thank you, Melanie.
Okay, this one right here is from me.
Okay. Hmm, ah, it's light.
It rattles.
It's..
...Travel Scrabble.
Wow. Thank you.
This one's from Joey. Feels like a book.
I think it's a book. Feels like a book.
- And it's a book! - Oh, It's Dr. Seuss!
That book got me through some tough times.
There is a little child inside this man.
Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
- Who's this from? - Oh, that's, uh, Ross'.
Oh!
[clearing throat]
Oh, my God.
- He remembered. - Remembered what?
It was like, months ago, we were walking by this antique store
and I saw this pin in the window.
And I told him that it was just like one
my grandmother had when I was a little girl.
Oh! I can't believe he remembered.
Well, sure. But can you play it on a plane?
Oh, it's so pretty.
This must have cost him a fortune.
- I can't believe he did this. - Come on, Ross.
Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol
and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
What did you just say?
[clearing throat]
Crystal duck.
No. No. No.
The, um, the love part?
[stuttering]
Oh, my God!
Oh, no, no, no.
That's good. Just keep rubbing your head.
That'll turn back time.
This is unbelievable. I mean, this is unbelievable.
I know. This is really, really huge.
No, it's not. It's small. It's tiny.
It's petite. It's wee.
Uh-uh, I don't think any of our lives
are ever going to be the same, ever again.
Okay, is there a mute button on this woman?
I think this is so great. I mean, you and Ross!
- Did you have any idea? - No. None.
I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned
something about asking me out but nothing ever happened.
So I just, wh-what else did he say?
I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
Well, given that he is desperately in love with you
he probably wouldn't mind getting
a cup of coffee or something.
Ross?
All this time?
- Well, I've got to talk to him. - Yeah, he's in China!
- The country. - No, no, wait.
His flight doesn't leave for another 45 more minutes.
What about the time difference?
- From here to the airport? - Yes!
- 'You're never gonna make it.' - Well, I've got to try.
Rachel, what are you going to say to him?
I-I-I don't know.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't go.
He's right, 'cause if you just gonna, like
break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.
Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
I don't know, maybe I'll know when I see him.
- Here, look. - Alright. Does this help?
No. Look, all I know is that I cannot
wait a week until I see him.
I mean, this is just too big.
You know, I just, I've just got to talk to him.
I, I've got to, okay, I'll see you later.
Rachel, I love you!
Deal with me first!
Zai jian.
Wo de fengzheng you chongzi.
Alrighty.
Ni xiao shi ma!
Ross!
'Ross!'
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Hi, may I see your boarding pass?
Oh, no. No. I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
Oh, I'm sorry, you are not allowed on the Jetway
unless you have a boarding pass.
No, I know that, but he-he just went on.
He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on.
- I, can I jus-- - I'm sorry.
No, no! Federal regulations.
Okay, alright, okay, um, then could you please
uh, just give him a message for me?
Please? This is very important.
Alright. What's the message?
Uh, I don't know.
Excuse me. Sir! Sir! Excuse me. Sir!
- Um, I have a message for you. - What?
It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present.
And she will see you when you get back.
What?
Toby, oh, for God's sake
I don't know what she's talking about.
There's no Rachel!
Don't give me that deep freeze.
Hmm, oh..
Joey, Joey, Joey.
I think I blacked out there for a minute.
It was nothing.
Well, now we've got to find something fun for you.
[laughing]
[kissing]
Uh...you know what?
Forget about me. Let's, uh, let's give you another turn.
- Me again? - Sure. Why not?
Boy! Somebody's going to get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
Oh! I've got to tell you, Joey
you are nothing like I thought you would be.
- How do you mean? - I don't know.
I-I guess I just had you pegged
as one of those guys who are always, "Me, me, me."
But you, you're a giver.
You're like, the most generous man I ever met.
I mean, you're practically a woman.
Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh, you want to save this wrapping paper?
I mean, it's only a little bit torn.
So are you going to go for it with Ross
or should I just throw it out?
I don't know.
I thought about it all the way there
and I thought about it all the way back.
And, uh, oh, you guys, you know, it's Ross.
You know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.
- Sure. - Sure.
I don't know. I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling.
This is..
But I'm thinking..
Oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.
Oh, my God, you do!
Oh, we'll be like, friends-in-law.
You know what the best part is?
The best part is that, you already
know everything about him.
I mean, it's like starting on the 15th date.
Yeah, but you know, it's, it'll be like
starting on the 15th date.
- Another good point. - No.
I mean, I mean, when you're at the 15th date, you know
you're already in a very relationshippy place, you know.
It's...you're committed.
Huh..
Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?
- Why isn't it working out? - I don't know.
- Sometimes it doesn't. - Is he not cute enough for you?
- Does he not make enough money? - No, I'm just--
- Maybe there's someone else? - Wha..
Is there? Is there someone else?
No. There is, there is no one else!
Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?
Wha..
- Hey, big.. - Shh!
...spender.
She's still asleep.
- So how'd it go? - Oh, it was amazing.
You know how you always think you're great in bed?
The fact that you'd even ask that question
shows how little you know me.
Well, it's like, last night
I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great.
So I had to do all this other stuff
and the response I got, man, oh, man!
It was like a ticker-tape parade.
Yes, I know, as it happens, my room is very, very close
to the parade route.
It was amazing. And not just for her, uh-uh.
For me too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind.
But all my other senses are heightened, you know?
It's like, I was able to appreciate it
on another level.
I didn't know you had another level.
I know. Neither did I.
Hey, great skirt. Birthday present?
- Yeah. - Well, from who?
From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
Well, it's the thought..
Hey, doesn't Ross' flight get in in a couple of hours..
...at Gate 27B?
Uh, yeah, uh, Monica, you know
honey, I've been thinking about it
and I've decided this, this whole Ross thing.
- It's just not a good idea. - Oh, why?
Because I feel like...I wouldn't just be going out with him
I would be going out with all of you.
Oh, there would just be all this pressure--
No, no. No pressure, no pressure.
Monica, nothing has even happened yet.
- And you are already so-- - I am not "So!"
Yeah, okay, I was a teensy bit weird at first
but I'll be good, I promise.
[doorbell buzzing]
- Who is it? - 'It's me, Carl.'
- Come on up. - Behind my brother's back?
Is exactly the kind of crazy thing
you won't be hearing from me.
- Seven hundred bucks. - Alright! You did it!
Do we have any fruit?
Man, hell of a two weeks, huh?
You know what though? I really feel like I learned something.
Really, so you're gonna stick with this
"It's all for her" thing?
What, are you crazy?
When a blind man gets his sight back
does he walk around like this?
I'm just saying, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley Jr.
in that stupid electric car
I'm going to shoot myself!
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not against
environmental issues, per se.
It's just that guy!
I can't believe, you'd rather go out with him than me.
Would you excuse me, please. I'm trying to have a date here.
Fine. Just stop thinking about me.
Can't do it, can you?
So, I'm thinking about you. So what?
I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
Well, he seems to be a very nice...guy.
I mean, come on, buddy! Get a real car!
Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
- Oh, Ross, it's too hard. - No, no, no.
Why, because it might get weird for everyone else?
Who cares about them? This is about us.
Look, I've been in love with you since like, the ninth grade.
Ross, you're like, my best friend.
- If we broke up and I lost-- - I know. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What makes you think, we are going to break up?
Well, have you been involved with someone
where you haven't broken up?
No. But it only has to happen once.
Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other.
Right, I mean, so the only question is
are you attracted to me?
I don't know.
I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
Well, start looking.
[instrumental music]
- Wow. - Exactly!
And you just know, I'm gonna be the guy
caught behind this hammerhead in traffic.
[clearing throat] Right. You're right.
- You know what? - What?
I, I forgot I'm supposed to pick up a friend at the airport.
I am so sorry.
I'm so, here, if you want to stay and finish your drinks
please do.
I'm sorry. I just, I just, I've got to go. I'm sorry.
But..
[Madonna singing "Take A Bow"]
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Hi.
Toby, for God's sake, will you let it go?
There's no Rachel!
Excuse me. Sorry.
- Oh, hey, hey. I got that. - Oh, thanks, sweetie.
No problem.
♪ The show is over say goodbye ♪
I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
No, no, they will, I just, uh..
(both) Can't wait.
Come on, they're gonna love you.
♪ Say goodbye ♪♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪