[instrumental music]
(woman on PA) 'Johnson, we have a call on line seven.'
She's not here yet. She's not here.
She's having my baby and she's not here.
I'm sure everything's fine. H-has her water broken yet?
I don't know, but when I spoke to her
she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
[gagging]
Do we have to know about that?
Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?
I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handin' out cigars.
Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby
in a movie from the '50s.
God! I don't believe this.
I mean, she could be giving birth in the cab.
Oh, Ross, relax, it's probably only like two dollars
for the first contraction and then 50 cents
each additional contrac..
What, it's okay when Chandler does it?
You have to pick your moments.
Hi. Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
- No, she's not even here yet. - Oh!
What's with the guitar?
Well, I just thought we might be here for a while
so, you know, things might get musical.
- Oh! - Oh!
Hey! Where the hell have you been?
Oh, we stopped at the gift shop.
The gift.. Wow! Wow! Wha..
I was looking at stuffed animals
and Susan wanted a Chunky.
Oh, Susan wanted a Chunky.
You're havin' a baby, okay? A baby.
You don't stop for Chunkies!
I used to have that bumper sticker.
[chuckles]
You see what I mean?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ You're love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
(Ross) 'Stopped for a Chunky.'
Let it go, Ross.
I got an extra one. You want this?
No.
Hey! How's my favorite parenting team doin'?
Dr. Franzblau. Hi.
So I understand you're thinking
of having a baby.
Well! I see you're nine months pregnant.
That's a good start.
How are you doin' with your contractions?
Oh, I love them.
Each one's like a little party in my uterus.
[chuckles] They're every four minutes
and last 55 seconds.
Fifty nine seconds. Quartz. Ha!
Swiss Quartz. Ha-ha!
Am I allowed to drink anything?
Ice chips. Just ice chips.
They're at nurse's station.
- Oh, I'll get it! - No, I'm getting it.
- No, I got it. - Be right back.
I'm getting it.
Hi. Thought you might like some ice chips.
Thanks!
And if you need anything else
I do not believe we have met. Hi.
I'm, uh, Rachel Green.
I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau.
I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician.
[laughing]
Oh, that's funny.
[instrumental music]
(woman on PA) 'Food services to west wing 201.'
- I want a baby. - Hmm.
Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.
Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
Oh, okay, 'cause we never do that.
Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!
Or just fall down, that's good too.
- Knick fan? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy, do they suck.
Hey, listen, lady, uh.. Whoa.
Look. Look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot.
You know what? He couldn't hit water
if he was standing on a boat.
Oh, yeah? And who do you like?
- Celtics. - Celtics? Ha!
They couldn't hit a boat if.. Wait.
They suck, alright?
Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year, you..
[gasps] Whoa!
Oh! Ah, ah, let me get the father.
Hey! We need, we need a father over here!
- Uh, we need a father! - There's...no father.
Oh! Oh, oh, sorry.
[panting] Oh! That's okay. I'm fine.
I'm.. Oh!
- Oh! Uh, okay. - Oh.
Alright, uh, right this way.
All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.
Okay.
[guitar music]
♪ They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch ♪
♪ But soon they'll grow up and resent you so much ♪
♪ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why ♪
♪ And you cry and you cry and you cry ♪
♪ And you cry and you cry and you.. ♪♪
- Thanks, Ross. - Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
- Okay? - Okay.
(Monica) 'Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.'
Ugh. No fair! I don't even have one.
How come they get two?
- You'll get one. - Oh, yeah? When?
(Chandler) 'Alright, I'll tell you what.'
When we're 40, if neither of us are married
what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Oh, no, no. No. I-I just meant hypothetically.
Okay, hypothetically
why won't I be married when I'm 40?
- No. No, no. - No, no, what is it? Seriously.
Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
- Uh-uh, uh-- - Well?
Dear God! This-this parachute is a knapsack.
- Hey. - Hey.
Ooh! Look at you, dressy-dress.
- Huh. - Did you go home and change?
Uh, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice.
Um, has, uh, Dr. Franzblau been by?
- No, I haven't seen him. - Well, where is he?
He is supposed to be here.
What if the baby needs him?
Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors anyway?
Is, like, your-your father a doctor?
Yeah, why?
No reason.
Mom, we've been through this.
No, I am not calling him.
I don't care if it is his kid. The guy's a jerk.
No, I am not alone. Joey's here.
What do you mean, Joey who?
[mouthing]
- Tribbiani. - Joey Tribbiani.
Yes. Okay.
Hold on. She wants to talk to you.
No.
Take the phone!
Hi. Yeah, it's me.
[chuckles]
Uh, no, no, no. We're just friends. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm single.
Twenty five.
An actor.
Hello?
She's not much of a phone person.
Yeah. So, uh, so, uh..
What's the deal with this father guy?
I mean, if someone was having my baby somewhere
I'd wanna know about it, you know?
Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood?
Um, no.
Okay, uh, look, maybe I should just go.
Maybe you should.
Good luck. And, uh, take care, huh?
(woman on PA) 'Ted to Trauma.'
[sighs]
You know what the Celtics' problem is?
They let the players run the team.
- Oh, that is so not true! - Oh, it is.
- It isn't! Isn't! - It is.
- Breathe. Breathe. - Breathe. Breathe.
- Breathe.
You're gonna kill me!
Fifteen more seconds, 14, 13, 12--
- Count faster! - It's gonna be okay!
Just remember, we're doin' it for Jordie.
Just keep focusing on Jordie.
- Who the hell is Jordie? - Your son.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't have a son named Jordie.
We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.
Well, uh, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend
so we went back to Jordie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean, back to Jordie?
We never landed on Jordie.
We did, we.. We just passed by it during the whole
Jesse, Cody, Dylan fiasco.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! - What? What? What?
- Ow, leg cramp, leg cramp! - Okay, I got it.
- I got it! I got it! - I got it. I'm doing it.
Hey! You get to sleep with her!
- I get the cramps! - Oh, oh, my God!
- No, you don't! - Alright, that is it.
- I want both of you out! - What?
- She started it. No, you st.. - He started it. You did..
I don't care! I'm trying to get a person
out of my body here and you're not makin' it any easier.
- I know-- - Now, go!
- Thanks a lot. - See what you did?
- Yeah. Listen-- - Out!
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Oh, no.
Ugh! What is that?
Somethin' exploded!
It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will ya?
Water breaking? What do you mean?
Wha-what's that, water breakin'?
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Oh, please, this is so your fault.
How? How is this my fault?
Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did
before I came along.
You're trying to be clever? What are you funny funny lady now?
You know what your problem is?
You are so threatened by me!
- Oh, I'm threat, I'm threa.. - Everything I say is a problem.
- Yes. - Okay. Alright.
That's it! Get in here, come on.
My God, you guys!
I don't believe you.
There are children coming into the world
in this very building and your negative fighting noises
are not the first thing they should be hearing.
So just stop all the yelling! Just stop it!
Yeah, Susan.
Don't make me do this again. I don't like my voice like this.
Okay, who wants to hear something ironic?
(together) Help!
- I'm.. - Help!
I'm havin' a baby in here.
Hello!
- Help! - Okay, everyone stand back.
- Ow. - 'Oh!'
- Are they here yet? - No, honey, they're not.
But don't worry, we're gonna find them.
And until we do, we are all here for you, okay?
- Okay. Okay. - Okay.
Okay, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris.
- It sounds wonderful! - Oh. Tell you what.
There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel.
- Ah! Ah! - There you go, dear.
- Huge.. - Come on, Lydia.
You can do it! Push!
Push him out, push him out. Harder, harder!
Push him out, push him out. Way out!
Let's get that ball and really move!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Let's..
I was just.. Yeah, okay.
Push, push, push!
What are you gonna do? Suck the door open?
Help! Help!
- Help! - He..
♪ They found their bodies the very next day ♪
♪ And they found their bodies the very next.. ♪
♪ La la la ♪♪
- Uh, help! - Help!
Look, mom, everything's going fine, really.
Yeah, Ross is great, he's, uh..
...he's in a whole other place.
No, he's gone. No..
No, no, you-you don't have to fly back, really.
What do you mean this might be your only chance?
Oh. Would you stop? I'm only 26.
I'm-I'm not even thinking about babies yet.
[baby cooing]
[imitates static]
- Where have you been? - Oh, I just had a baby.
Mazel tov!
[instrumental music]
I don't know, it could be an hour, could be three
but relax, she's doing great.
So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?
No! No, not at-at the moment. No, I'm not. No.
- Are-are you in.. - No, no.
It's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
[chuckles] Right, yeah.
Heard that about cute doctors.
No, no, really, I-I suppose it's because
I spend so much time, you know...where I do.
- Oh. - Hmm.
I try not to let work affect my personal life
but it's hard when-when you do...what I do.
It's like, uh..
Well, for instance, what do you do?
I'm a waitress.
Okay, alright. Well, aren't there times
when you come home at the end of the day
and you're just like
if I see one more cup of coffee..
[clears throat] Yeah. Gotcha!
Uh, I'm gonna check up on your friend.
Okay, that's fine.
So how'd you know I was even here?
Your mom called me. So is this her?
No, this is a loaner.
Listen, I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
Um, I wasn't by myself.
I had a-a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy.
So did you see who won the game?
Yeah. Knicks by ten. They suck.
Yeah, they're not so bad.
[instrumental music]
(Ross) Come on, come on.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
This is all your fault.
This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life.
You know, my son is being born
and...I should be in there, you know?
Instead, I'm stuck in a closet with you.
The woman I love is having a baby today.
I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
No, no, no, believe me, no one has been waiting
for this as much as I have, okay?
And you know what the funny thing is?
When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay?
Where does that leave me?
You get to be the baby's father.
Everyone knows who you are. And who am I?
There's-there's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day
there's no Lesbian Lover Day!
Everyday is Lesbian Lover Day!
This is so great.
You wanna explain that?
I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up
you know, my dad left and my mother died
and my stepfather went to jail
So, I barely had enough pieces
of parents to make one whole one.
And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents
who care about it so much that they're fighting over
who gets to love it the most and it's not even born yet.
It's just...it's just the luckiest baby
in the whole world.
I'm sorry, you were fighting.
Where are they?
I'm sure they'll be here soon.
Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
Oh, relax, you're only at nine centimeters
and the baby's at zero station.
Hey, you are really frightening me.
[screaming]
Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart.
Uh, oh, that's great. Anybody seen a nipple?
Alright. Ten centimeters.
Here we go.
Alright, honey, time to start pushin'.
But they're not here yet.
I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
Oh, God!
[clears throat]
Okay, got the vent open.
Hi, I'm Ben.
[chuckles]
I'm hospital worker Ben.
It's Ben to the rescue.
- Ta-da-da! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Ben, you ready? - Yeah.
- Alright, give me your foot. - Okay.
Okay, on three, Ben. One, uh, two, three!
- Uh! - Ooh.
Come on, Ben. Okay, that's it, Ben.
- 'Okay. Uh-huh.' - Okay.
(Susan) 'Uh, what do you see?'
(Phoebe) Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent.
'Wait.'
(Phoebe) Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
[groaning]
- Oh! - Ah, Pheebs, it's open.
It's open!
Wait! You forgot your legs!
(in unison) Push! Push!
- We're here. Hey! - Daddy's here.
- We're here. - Where have you been?
Long story, honey.
Alright, Carol, I need you to keep pushing.
I need, uh, I-I need.. Excuse me, can I have this?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Alright, alright, there's a few too many people in this room.
There's about to be one more, so anybody who's not
an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go.
- Alright, alright. - Okay, bye, bye, bye.
Good luck, you guys. Good luck.
Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?
Out!
(Franzblau) 'Alright. Alright, he's crowning. Here he comes!'
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let me see. I gotta see, I gotta see.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! A head!
Oh! It's-it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?
Not helping!
You're doin' great. You're doin' fine.
- Okay, can-- - Hello!
- Oh, sorry. - Hey, what do you see?
- Okay. - Tell us what you see.
We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got..
Oh, look at that-that little, the fingers.
Oh, a chest and a stomach and it's-it's a boy.
Definitely a boy. Alright.
- Okay, legs, knees, and feet. - Oh! Oh!
[gasps]
He's here, he's..
Oh! He's a person.
Oh-oh, look at that.
What does he look like?
Kinda like my Uncle Ed covered in Jell-O.
Really?
(Phoebe) 'You guys, he's beautiful.'
Oh, thanks, Pheebs.
[baby cooing]
No shouting but we-we still need
a name for this little guy.
How about Ben?
I like Ben.
Ben. Hmm.
Ben.
[chuckles]
- Ben's good. - Yeah?
How come you never mentioned Ben before?
We, uh, we just cooked it up.
[chuckles]
That's what we were off doing.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Can we come in? - Yeah, come in. Come in.
[indistinct chatter]
[baby bawling]
- I know, I know. - Oh.
Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
[baby cooing]
Yeah. This is Ben.
- Oh, hi, Ben. - Hi, Ben.
- Ben, this is everybody. - Hey, Ben.
Susan, he looks just like you.
(Susan) 'Thanks.'
Oh, God, I can't believe
one of us actually has one of these.
I know. I still am one of these.
- Ross? - Yeah.
- Can I? - Yeah.
- Okay, the head, the head. - Okay.
You gotta..
[instrumental music]
[baby cooing]
Hi, Ben.
Hi.
I'm your Aunt Monica.
Yes, I am! I'm your Aunt Monica!
I...I will always have gum.
Ben, I want you to know
that there maybe some times
when I'm.. I may not be around, um, like this.
[instrumental music]
'But I'll still always come back.'
Like this.
And sometimes I may be away longer.
Like this.
'But I'll still always come back.'
Like this.
And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third
and I'll go like this.
Oh, he is so amazing!
Oh, I know. Look at him.
Ben?
Hey, Ben?
Nothin'. I don't think that's his name.
Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes.
Oh, look, he's opening his eyes.
He-he doesn't do much, does he?
Nope. This is pretty much it.
[music continues]
You guys wanna get some coffee?
(all) Yeah.
Alright, I'll see you guys later.
[instrumental music]
[mouthing]
[blowing a raspberry]
Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.