I can't believe you would actually say that.
I would much rather be Mr. Peanut than Mr. Salty.
No way. Mr. Salty is a sailor, alright?
He's got to be like, the toughest snack there is.
I don't know. You don't wanna mess with corn nuts.
They're crazy!
Oh, my God.
You Guys, you gotta come see this.
There's some creep out there with a telescope.
[gasping]
I can't believe it. He's looking right at us.
Oh, that is so sick.
I feel violated...and not in a good way.
Why do people do that?
[all groaning]
Oh, you guys, look! Ugly naked guy got gravity boots!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year but ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
I am telling you years from now
school children will study it
as one of the greatest first dates of all time.
It was unbelievable. We could totally be ourselves.
We didn't have to play any games.
- So have you called her yet? - Let her know I like her?
What are you insane?
Oh, guys.
It's the next day.
How needy do I wanna seem?
I'm right, right?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, let her dangle.
Oh.
I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me
to find one of you people.
God, come on, just do it.
Call her. Stop being so testosteroney.
Which, by the way is the real San Francisco treat.
- I got her machine. - Her answering machine?
No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.
So, um, why didn't you say anything?
Oh, no, no, no, last time I left a spontaneous message
I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-O."
Look, look, look, it's Rachel and Barry.
No, no, no, don't, don't everybody look at once.
Okay, okay, what's going on?
Okay, they're just talking.
Yeah, well, does he look upset?
Does he look like, he was just told to shove anything?
No. No, actually, he's smiling, and..
Oh, my God! Don't do that!
What? What? What?
That man across the street
just kicked that pigeon.
Oh.
And basically that's how a bill
becomes a law.
- Oh. - Right.
- Hey, Rach. - Hi, Rach.
How'd it go?
You know, it was uh, actually really great.
Took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room.
And I had that chicken you know, where you poke it
and all the butter squirts out.
Not a good day for birds.
Then we took a walk down to Bendel's.
And I told him not to
but he got me a little bottle of Chanel.
That's nice.
Was that before or after you told him to stop calling
stop sending you flowers
and to generally leave you alone, hmm?
Right. Well, we never actually got to that.
Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, you know?
It was, it was comfortable, and it was familiar.
- It was just nice. - That's-that's nice twice.
Rachel, wh-what's going on?
I mean, isn't this the same Barry
who you left at the Altar?
Duh, where've you been?
Yeah, but it was different with him today
I mean, and he wasn't like
Orthodontist guy, you know?
I mean, we had fun.
Is there anything wrong with that?
Yes!
- Why? - I have my reasons.
Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged
to another woman who just happens to be
your ex-best friend?
Alright, alright, alright, I know it's stupid.
I'll go see him this afternoon and I'll just put an end to it.
Wow!
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.
No, it wasn't.
It was so nice having this little sink here.
Oh, Danielle, I wasn't expecting the machine.
Give me a call when you get a chance.
[clinking]
Bye-bye.
Oh, God.
That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?
Hey, I've been honing it.
What was with the dishes?
Oh, huh, I want her to think
I might be in a restaurant.
You know...I might have some kind of life
like I haven't been sitting around here
honing for the last two hours.
Look, look. He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope.
Oh, my God!
Oh. Go away!
Stop looking in here!
Great. Now, he's waving back.
Man, we gotta do something about that guy.
This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment.
It creeps me out. I feel like, I can't do stuff.
What kinda stuff?
Will you grow up?
I'm not talking about sexy stuff
but like, when I'm cooking naked.
You cook naked?
Yeah, toast, oatmeal, nothing that spatters.
What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.
What's the matter?
Oh, I just..
Oh. Barry, this was not good.
No, it was.
It was very, very good.
Well, what about Mindy?
Oh, way better than Mindy.
No, not that. I mean, what about you and Mindy?
Huh. Look, if you want, I'll just break it off with her.
No. No, no, no. I mean don't do that.
Not, I mean, not for me.
(Bernice) 'Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush'
'is here for his adjustment.'
Uh.. Thanks, Bernice.
- Let's go away this weekend. - Oh.
Oh, Barry, come on, this is all way too..
No, no. We-we can go to Aruba.
'When I went there on what'
would have been our honeymoon
it was uh, it was really nice.
You would have liked it.
I had a bra.
Hey, Dr. Farber.
Alright, Ms. Green, everything looks fine.
Yeah, I think we're starting to see some real progress here.
- What? - I'm 12. I'm not stupid.
[instrumental music]
- Can I use your phone? - Yeah.
Uh, but for future reference uh, that thing in your hand
can also be used as a phone.
[ringing]
Yes, it's working.
Why isn't she calling me back?
Maybe she never got your message.
You know, if you want
you can call her machine
and if she has a lot of beeps that means
she probably didn't get her messages yet.
You don't think that makes me seem a little..
Desperate, needy, pathetic?
Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.
- How many beeps? - She answered.
You see, this is where you'd use that
"Hello" word we talked about.
I'm not gonna talk to her.
She obviously got my message
and is choosing not to call me.
Now, I'm needy and snubbed.
God, I miss just being needy.
(all) 'Hey.'
How'd he take it?
Pretty well, actually.
- Uh, Rach? - What?
How come you have dental floss in your hair?
- Oh, do I? - Uh-huh.
We ended up having sex in his chair.
You had sex in his chair?
I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?
You, you had what?
Sex in his chair.
What, uh, what were you thinking?
I don't know.
I mean, we still care about each other.
There's a history there. It's like you and Carol.
No. No, no.
It's nothing like me and Carol.
Please, if she said to you, "Ross, I want you
on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say?
If it helps, I could slide over.
It's, it's-it's uh, a totally different situation.
It's-it's apples and oranges.
It's-it's orthodontists and lesb..
I got to go.
- Wh-where are you going? - I just have to go!
Alright. Do I need a reason, huh?
I mean, I have things to do with my life.
I have a jam-packed schedule
and I am late for keeping up with it, okay?
[phone ringing]
Hello? Hello?
[ringing]
Hello?
Huh.
Mindy.
Hi. Hi. How are you?
Yes, yes, I heard.
Congratulations. That is so great.
Really? Oh, God..
Okay.
Okay, well, I'm working tomorrow.
'But if you want, you can, you can, you can'
'come by if you'd like.'
Okay.
Great.
Alright.
So, I'll, uh..
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay. Bye.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Oh.. - So, how's Mindy?
Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow.
Oh, she sounded really weird.
I gotta call Barry.
Hi. It's me. I just..
[laughs] Mindy!
Mindy, hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be.
[instrumental music]
[imitating phone ringing]
Hell is filled with people like you.
He's back. The peeper's back.
- Get down! - Get down?
And boogie.
Thanks, but I got to go to work
and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.
Relax. You know, She may not even know.
Please, I haven't heard from her in seven months
and now she calls.
I mean, what else is it about?
Oh. She was my best friend, you guys.
We went to camp together.
- She taught me how to kiss. - Yeah?
Now, you know, I'm like the other woman.
Oh, I feel so..
Naughty.
Alright, I'll see you guys later.
Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you.
Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss
you were at camp and were you wearing
any kind of little uniform or..
That's fine, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Will you watch my phone?
Why don't you just take it with you.
Hey, we haven't been on a second date.
She needs to hear me pee?
Why don't you just call her?
I can't call her. I left a message.
- I have some pride. - Do you?
No.
Danielle? Hi.
Hi, it's uh, it's Chandler.
I'm fine.
[clears throat]
Uh, listen.
I don't know if you tried to call me
because, idiot that I am
I accidentally shut off my phone.
Oh, okay-okay. That's, that's-that's fine.
That's great. Okay.
She's on the other line. She's gonna call me back.
♪ She's on the other line she's gonna call me back ♪
♪ She's on the other line gonna call me back ♪♪
- Don't you have to pee? - It's why I'm dancing.
- Mindy. - Hey, you.
Hey, you.
So, uh, what's up?
Um, we should really be sitting for this.
Hmm.
Sure we should.
[clears throat]
[chuckles]
- So. - Now.
I know things have been weird lately
but you're like my oldest friend in the world
except for maybe Laurie Schaffer
who I don't talk to anymore
'cause she's all bitter now she lost the weight
and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face.
Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once
and I want a straight answer.
Okay.
[sighs]
Will you be my maid of honor?
- Of course! - Oh, that's so great!
[both squealing]
Was that all you wanted to ask me?
That's all!
[both squealing]
[sobbing]
What? What?
That's not all.
- Oh, sure it is! - Oh, no, it isn't! No.
I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.
Oh, what, what would make you think that?
Well, ever since we announced the engagement
he's been acting really weird
and then last night he came home
smelling like Chanel.
Really!
Mindy, if it will make you feel any better
when Barry and I first got engaged
he went through a whole weird thing too.
Oh, God, you see, that's what I was afraid of.
What? What's you're afraid of?
[gasping] Okay, okay.
When Barry was engaged to you
he and I kind of,
had a little thing on the side.
- Wh-what? - I know, I know.
And when he proposed to me, everyone said
"Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you
what he did to Rachel"
and now I feel so stupid.
[chuckling]
Hmm. Oh, Mindy.
Oh, you are so stupid.
Oh, we are both so stupid.
What do you mean?
- Smell familiar? - Oh, no.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, me. I am so sorry.
No, I am sorry. I'm sorry.
[crying]
Oh, my.
Four letters, "Circle or hoop."
Ring, dammit. Ring!
Thanks.
Hey, you know, our phone's not working?
What?
I tried to call you from the coffee shop.
There was no answer.
I turned it off.
Mother of God, I turned it off!
Just like you told her you did.
Just pointing out the irony.
Hey, so listen, I went across the street
and talked to the doorman.
I got the peeper's name. Can I use the phone?
[growling]
Can I use your phone?
Yeah, the number for a Sydney Marks, please.
"Heating device."
Radiator.
- Five letters. - Rdtor.
Yeah, is Sydney there?
Oh, this is?
Sydney's a woman. So, she's a woman? So, what?
Yeah, yeah. So what?
Look, I live across the street, and I know
all about you and your little telescope
and I don't appreciate it, okay?
Yeah, I can see you right now. Hello!
Now, look, if I wanna walk around my apartment
in my underwear I shouldn't have to feel like..
Thank you.
That's not really the point.
The uh, the point is that..
Uh, mostly free weights, but occasionally..
Joey!
Yeah, my neighbor.
Yeah, the brunette.
She said you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress
The green dress? Really?
Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.
Oh. No.
[knock on door]
- Hey. - Hey!
- Got a second? - Sure, sure.
Come on...in.
Hello, sweetheart.
Oh, what're you, what're you guys doing here?
Uh, we are here to break up with you.
Both of you?
Basically, we think you're a horrible human being
and bad things should happen to you.
I..
I'm sorry. Sorry, God, I am so sorry.
I'm an idiot. I was weak. I-I couldn't help myself.
Well, whatever I did I only did because I love you so much.
Uh, which one of us are you talking to there, Bar?
Mindy. Mindy, of course, Mindy.
It was always Mindy.
Even when we were having sex in that chair?
I swear. Whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.
Oh, please, during that second time
you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup.
You did it twice?
Well, the first time didn't really count.
I mean, you know, it was Barry.
Right.
Honey, baby, sweetheart, look
just gimme-gimme another chance, okay.
We'll start all over again, huh?
We'll-we'll go back to Aruba.
What do you say?
(Bernice) 'Dr. Farber, we've got an emergency here.'
'Jason Costellana is choking on his retainer.'
Oh, God. Uh, I'll be right there, Bernice.
Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay?
I-I'll be right back.
Okay.
Okay, and we'll be here, hating you.
Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there?
Well, listen, honey if I'm hogging the ball too much
you just jump right in there and take a couple of punches
because I'm telling you, this feels great.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him.
What? What are you talking about?
Mindy, the guy is the Devil.
He is Satan in a smock.
Look, I know he's not perfect.
Mm-hmm.
But, the truth is at the end of the day, I..
...I still really wanna be..
...Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber.
DDS.
Oh, God.
I hope you can find some way to be happy for me
and I hope you'll still be my maid of honor.
And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.
You okay?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
You know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding
I have wondered whether I made the right choice.
Oh. And now I know.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Big day.
Alright, I'll give you this.
Mr. Peanut is a better dresser.
I mean, he's got the monocle.
He's got the top hat.
Did you know he's gay?
I just wanna clarify this.
Are you outing Mr. Peanut?
- Chandler? - Danielle, hi.
Uh, everybody, this is Danielle.
Danielle, everybody.
(all) Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well, I've been calling you
but it turns out I had your number wrong.
And when I finally got the right one
from information, there was no answer.
So, I thought I'd just come down here
and make sure you were okay.
Oh. Uh, I'm-I'm okay.
Listen, uh, maybe we could get together later?
That sounds good. I'll call you, or you call me, whatever.
- You know. - You got it.
- Okay. - Bye, everybody.
(all) Bye.
- Woo-hoo! - Yeah, there you go.
Second date.
- I don't know. - You don't know?
Well, she seems very nice and everything
but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here
just to see if I was okay?
I mean, how needy is that?
- Oh! - God!
[theme music]