Okay, okay, I checked.
We have Earl Grey, English Breakfast
Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry
and, uh, oh, wait, there's one more.
Um...Lemon Soother.
You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you?
Okay.
[theme song]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Thank you.
Oh, cool. A free sample of coffee.
Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
[chuckles]
Oh. Right.
- Oh, great. - What is it?
Country club newsletter.
My mother sends me the engagement notices
for inspiration.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's Barry and Mindy.
- Barry, who you almost-- - Barry, who I almost.
- And Mindy, your maid of-- - Mindy, my maid of.
Let me see that.
- Oh! - That's Mindy?
Wow. She is pretty.
Lucky.
To have had a friend like you.
Marcel. Bring me the rice. Come on.
Good boy. Good boy.
Come here, give me the rice. Thank you. Good boy.
Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between
"Bring me the" and "Pee in the."
"Bring me the" and..
Rach?
- What? - Hi.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Oh. This is so stupid!
I mean, I gave Barry up, right?
- Mm. - I should be happy for them.
I am. I'm happy for them.
- Really? - No.
Oh.
Oh, I guess it would be different
if I were with somebody.
Whoa. What, uh..
What happened to, uh
"Forget relationships! I'm done with men!"
The whole, uh, penis embargo?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's-it's not about no guys.
It's-it's about the right guy, you know?
I mean, with Barry, it was-it was safe
and it was easy, but there was no heat.
You know, with Paolo, that's all there was, was heat.
And I-I mean, it was just this raw, animal, sexual--
Wait-wait, I, I got it. I was there.
Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both?
You know, someone who's like your
who's like your best friend
but then also can make your toes curl?
Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes, I do. I really do.
Uh, in fact, it's funny.
Very often someone who you wouldn't think
could, could...curl your toes
might just be the one who, uh, who..
Hi.
...gets interrupted. Hi.
Hey, guys, how was the movie?
- Oh, so good. - Wonderful.
- Suck-fest. - Total chick-flick.
I'm-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies
with, like, you know, like, guns and bombs
and like, buses going really fast.
Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie
just so long as there's a little nudity.
- There was nudity. - I meant female nudity.
Alright, I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
- Hugh! Hugh Grant! - Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Alright, I've gotta go.
Ahem. Come on, Marcel. Come on.
Yeah, we're gonna go take a bath.
Yes, we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
They're still just friends, right?
- And I will see you tomorrow. - That's right.
You're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you?
Hang on. Hang on.
Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
Pwease, Aunt Monica? Pwease?
Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be here.
[instrumental music]
(Chandler) You know, I cannot believe we're
even having this discussion.
I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen
with Rachel, they would have happened already?
I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship
with someone exactly like me.
She really said that?
Well, I added the "Exactly like me" part..
But she said she's looking for someone
and someone is gonna be there tonight.
- Tonight, tonight? - Well, I think it's perfect.
You know, it's just gonna be the two of us.
She spent all day taking care of my monkey.
[sighs] I can't remember the last time I got a girl
to take care of my monkey.
[laughing]
Anyway, you know, I figured after work
I'd go pick up a bottle of wine
go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Hey, you know what you should do?
You should take her back to the 1890's
when that phrase was last used.
You keep this up, honey, and I swear
you'll be finished with this sucker by the end of the week.
Now, now the one in the feather boa
that's Dr. Francis.
Now, she used to be a man.
Okay, oh, look, see, now there's Raven, and we hate her.
We're glad she's dying. And that..
Wha.. Wha.. Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes?
You know you're not supposed to play..
Whoa! Whoa!
Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?
Oh, Marcel, bad monkey.
Oh, God.
Oh. Oh.
Sorry, Barry.
Little engagement gift.
I'm sure you didn't register for that.
[gunshot on TV]
Who died? Who died?
Roll him over! Oh, come on, roll him over! Oh!
Well, we know it wasn't Dexter. Right, Marcel?
Because..
Marcel?
Marcel? Marce..
- How could you lose him? - I don't know, I don't know.
We were watching TV and then he pooped in Monica's shoe..
Wait. He pooped in my shoe?
- Which one? - I don't know.
- The left one. - Which ones?
Oh, oh, those little clunky Amish things
you think go with everything.
- Hey. - Hi.
Whoa. Oh. Why is the air in here so negative?
- Rachel lost Marcel. - Oh, no! How?
- He, he pooped in my shoe. - Which one?
Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
No. Which one?
The right or left?
'Cause the left one is lucky.
Come on, you guys, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Alright, alright, alright. You're a monkey.
You're loose in the city.
Where do you go?
Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do
some of the touristy things.
I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.
Oh, my God! Come on, you guys.
He's gonna be home any minute. He's gonna kill me.
Okay, we'll start with the building.
You guys take the first and second floor.
Phoebe and I will take third and fourth.
Whoa-whoa-whoa! What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone.
Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you.
Does anybody wanna trade? Oh..
[instrumental music]
Come on.
[knock at door]
What do you want?
Mr. Heckles, our-our-our friend lost a monkey.
Have you seen it?
I left a Belgian waffle out here.
- Did you take it? - No!
Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
- I wasn't ready for it. - The monkey.
Have you seen a monkey?
Saw a Regis Philbin once.
Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles.
You owe me a waffle.
Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchin monkey
with a white face..
...with-with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.
Okay. Thanks. Hi.
Hey. How did, uh, how did it go today?
- Oh, great! - Yeah?
It went great. Really great.
- Hey, is that wine? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh. - You, uh, you want some?
Oh, I would love some.
But you know what? You know what?
Let's not drink it here.
I'm feeling kind of crazy.
You wanna go to Newark?
Uh, okay. Yeah, uh, we could do that.
But before we head off to the murder capital
of the North-East..
...I was, uh, kind of wanting to run something by you.
You know how we were, uh, you know, talking before
about, uh, relationships and stuff. Well..
Oh, God, Ross, I cannot do this.
Okay, quick and painful.
Oh, God. Okay, alright.
Alright, okay.
Ross, please don't hate me.
Oh, why? What? What?
[chuckles]
Uh!
You know Marcel?
Yeah?
Well, ahem, I, I kind of..
I kind of lost him.
[inaudible]
[traffic ambience]
I-I-I can't, I can't believe this.
I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.
- I know. I know. I'm sorry. - No, no. You know what?
I guess it's partially my fault.
You know, I mean, I shouldn't have asked you
to, uh, start off with a monkey.
I should have started you off with like a pen or a pencil.
Ross, I'm doing everything that I can.
I've got everybody looking for him and I..
[door buzzer buzzing]
- Who is it? - 'Animal Control.'
Uh, see, I've even got Animal Control.
You called Animal Control?
Uh-huh.
W-why? Do you not like them?
[scoffs]
Marcel is an illegal
exotic animal.
I'm not allowed to have him in the city.
If they find him, they'll take him away from me.
Oh, okay, well, now, see
you never ever ever told us that.
That's right I, 'cause I didn't expect
you were gonna invite them to the apartment!
[knock at door]
Hi! Thanks for coming.
Somebody called about a monkey?
Oh, oh, yeah, you know what?
That was a complete misunderstanding.
Yeah, we-we thought we had a monkey, but we didn't.
It turned, turned out it was a hat.
- Cat! - Cat! What did I say? Cat.
Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor.
No one's seen Marcel.
- Marcel? - My Uncle Marcel.
Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Okay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic
is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison
and confiscation of the animal?
Oh, my God. You'd put that poor, little creature in jail?
Pheebs, remember how we talked about
saying things quietly to yourself first?
Yes, but there isn't always time.
Look, I'm sure there is some friendly way
to reconcile this. Um, have a seat.
First of all, we haven't been introduced.
Uh, I'm Monica Geller.
Oh, my God! You are! And you're Rachel Green!
- Yeah. - Luisa Gianetti.
Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in, in home room.
Oh! Luisa! Oh, my God!
Monica, it's Luisa!
- The Luisa from home room! - Yes.
You have no idea who I am, do you?
- No, none at all. - None.
Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me.
I mean, would it have been so hard to say
"Morning, Luisa"? Or "Nice overalls"?
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
Nah, it's not so much you. You were fat.
You had your own problems.
But you! What a bitch!
- What? - Alright. You know what?
Be that as it may, do you think you could just help us out here
on that monkey thing, you know just...for old times' sake?
Go Bobcats?
I could...but I won't.
If I find that monkey, he's mine.
♪ Dun-dun-duuuur! ♪♪
Sorry.
[instrumental music]
(Chandler) Marcel?
- Marcel? - Marcel?
Marcel?
[sighs]
[knock at door]
Hi, can I help you?
Uh, we're kind of having an emergency.
And we, ahem, we were looking for something.
- A monkey. - Yes, have you seen any?
No. No, I haven't seen a monkey.
Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Sure, sure.
Did you, uh, did you try turning
the knob back the other way?
- Of course. - Oh, then, no.
Taste this daiquiri. Is there too much rum in here?
Just a sec. Hope you find your monkey.
Oh, no, wait, wait, no-no-no, wait, wait.
Um...we may not know anything about radiators
per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise
in the heating and cooling...milieu.
Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of somethin' here?
Yes, but these women are very hot and they need our help.
And they're very hot.
We can't, alright? Uh, we're sorry.
You...have no idea how sorry, but..
...we promised we'd find this monkey.
If you see him, he's about yea high
and answers to the name Marcel.
So, if we could get some pictures of you
you'd really be helpin' us out.
Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
- Marcel? - Marcel!
- 'Marcel?' - 'Marcel?'
Marcel?
(both) Marcel?
- Oh, my God! - What?
Something just brushed up against my right leg.
- What is it? - Oh.
Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.
[screeching]
- Look, Phoebe! - Oh, yeah. Oh, Marcel.
Come here. Oh, come here, Marcel.
Step aside, ladies.
Oh, what are you gonna do?
Just a small tranquilizer.
[dramatic music]
(Monica) 'Run, Marcel, run!'
- Run, Marcel! - Damn!
- Are you okay? - Uh, yeah, I think so.
I just..
Oh.
Huh..
- Whoa. - Oh-h-h.
Oh, gosh.
[screeching]
- 'Marcel?' - 'Marcel?'
Marcel? This is ridiculous.
We've been all over the neighborhood.
He's gone. He's-he's just gone.
- Ross, you don't know that. - Oh, come on.
It's cold. It's dark. He doesn't know the village.
Oh..
And now I have a broken foot. Oh, my..
I have no monkey and a broken foot.
- Thank you very much. - Ross, you know?
I said I'm sorry like a million times.
What do you want me to do? Huh? What do you wanna..
You want to break my foot too? Is that it? Okay, here.
I'm gonna break my foot. Right now, there.
Ow! Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, my God. There, are you happy now?
Yeah, yeah, you know, now that you kicked the sign, hey!
What? I don't miss Marcel anymore.
You know, it is not like I did this on purpose.
No, no, no. No, no, this is just vintage Rachel.
I mean, things just sort of happen around you.
I mean, you're off in Rachel Land
doin' your Rachel thing
totally oblivious to people's monkeys
or to people's feelings and..
- Ross? - I don't even wanna hear it.
- No, you're always-- - Ross..
- Oh, forget it, okay? - Ross!
What? What? What?
- Hey! - Hey! Banana man! Wait..
[instrumental music]
[knock at door]
Oh, this is so intense.
One side of my butt is totally asleep
and the other side has no idea.
Hi. Did you order some bananas?
- What about it? - Give me my monkey back!
I don't have a monkey.
Then what's with all the bananas?
Potassium.
[Marcel chattering]
Marcel? Marcel?
Okay, where is he? Where is he?
Marcel? Marcel?
[all gasp]
Marcel!
- What have you done to him? - That's my monkey.
That's Patti. Patti the monkey.
Are you insane?
Come here, Marcel, come on.
Come here, Patti.
Come here, Marcel.
Come here, Patti.
(Luisa) Here, monkey! Here, monkey!
Here, monkey!
Gotcha!
- Okay, give me my monkey back. - That's my monkey.
You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge.
That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine.
You can send it back whenever.
- Alright, I want my monkey. - No!
- Oh, come on, Luisa. - Sorry, prom queen.
You had to be a bitch in high school.
You couldn't have been fat.
Alright, look, okay, in high school I was the prom queen
and I was the homecoming queen and the class president
and you...were also there.
Look, if you take this monkey
I will lose one of the most
important people in my life.
You can hate me if you want
but please do not punish him.
Come on, Luisa, you have a chance
to be the bigger person here.
Take it!
[inhales deeply]
[exhales heavily]
No.
Alright.
Well, then how about I call your supervisor
and I tell her that you shot my friend
in the ass with a dart?
[instrumental music]
Hey, it'll be nice to get this
off finally, won't it? Yes, it wi..
Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
You know, with the right pair of pumps
that would be a great little outfit.
Listen, I'm.. I'm sorry I was so hard on you before.
- You know, I just-- - Oh, Ross, come on.
No, no, it was my fault. I almost lost your..
No, no, yeah, but you were the one who got him back.
You know? You, you, you were great.
Hey, we, uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine.
Are you in the mood for, uh..
...something grape?
- Sure, that would be good. - Alright. Uh..
Oh.
The, uh, the neighbors must be vacuuming.
[clears throat]
Well, uh, as long as we're, uh...here
and, uh...not on the subject
um, ahem...I was thinking about, uh..
[chuckles]
...how mad we got at each other before.
Oh.
And, um...I was thinking maybe
it was partially because of how we, uh..
- Rachel. - Barry!
I can't. I can't do it.
I can't marry Mindy.
I think I'm still in love with you.
- Oh! - Oh!
We have got to start locking that door.
[instrumental music]
This is me in "The Sound Of Music."
- You see the von Trapp kids? - No.
That's because I'm in front of them.
Yeah, I thought that was an alp.
Well, high school was not my favorite time.
I don't know. I-I loved high school.
You know, it was just, like, four years of parties
and dating and sex and..
Yeah, well, I went to
boarding school with 400 boys.
Any sex I had would have involved
a major lifestyle choice.
Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
[chuckles]
Oh, oh, oh!
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh, ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oh!
[theme music]