[all whistling]
(Ross) Oh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.
Do you really want a job with "Popular Mechanics?"
Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics
those are the ones to work for.
Hey, look, you guys, I'm goin' for anything here, okay?
I cannot be a waitress anymore. I mean it.
I'm sick of the lousy tips
sick of being called excuse me.
(Ross) Rach, did you proofread these?
Uh, yeah. Why?
Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed
with your "excellent Compuper skills."
Oh, my God!
Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Oh, no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ And it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- Hey, hi, ladies.
Uh, can I get you anything?
- Did you bring the mail? - Lots of responses.
Really? Sure we have scones left.
Okay, read them to me.
"Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry.
"However.." Oh.
- We have apple cinnamon.. - Okay, "Dear Ms. Green.."
Yep, yep, yep.
No.
- Wow. - What?
Your Visa bill is huge.
Give me that.
You know, I can't believe you, Linda is so great.
Why won't you go out with her again?
I don't know.
Is this still about her whole
"The Flintstones" could have really happened thing?
No. It's not just that.
It's just I want someone who, who does something for me.
You know, who gets my heart pounding.
Who.. Who makes me, uh..
Little play things with yarn?
What?
Could you want her more?
Who?
Dee, the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening."
Look, I..
Look, I am totally, totally over her, okay.
- Hi. - Hi. Can I help you?
- No. We're fine. - Okay.
[laughing]
Shut up!
We're not saying anything.
- What? - Uh, Joey cried last night.
Thank you.
We were playing poker, alright?
There was chocolate on the three.
It looked like an eight, alright?
Oh, you should have seen him.
"Read 'em and weep."
And then he did.
Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?
Yeah, what is that, like, some kind of guy thing?
Like, some kind of sexist guy thing?
Like, it's poker, so only guys can play.
No. Women are welcome to play.
Oh, okay. So then what is it?
Some kind of, you know, like..
...like, some kind of, you know, like..
Alright, what is it?
There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women
that know how to play poker.
That is such a lame excuse.
I mean, it-it's a typical guy response.
Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
(in unison) No.
But, you could teach us.
(in unison) No.
Okay, so now we draw cards.
So, I wouldn't need any, right?
'Cause I have a straight.
- Oh! Good for you! - Congratulations!
[oven beeping]
Okay, Pheebs, how many do you want?
Okay. I just need two.
The, uh, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
No, Pheebs, you can't do--
Oh, wait, I have the ten of spades. Here, you want it?
No, no.
Uh, no, see, you-you can't do that.
Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.
I don't need them. I'm going for fours.
Oh, you're..
Alright, here we go.
We got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what are you doin'?
This is a poker game, you can't serve food
with more than one syllable.
It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz..
Okay, so at this point, the dealer--
Alright, you know, we got it. Let's play for real, alright?
- High stakes, big bucks. - Alright, now, you sure?
Pheebe just threw away two jacks
because they didn't look happy.
But, I'm ready, so just deal.
Okay. Alright, last-minute lesson, last-minute lesson.
Joey, three..
...eight.
Eight, three. Alright. Very good.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
I see. So then, you were lying.
About what?
About how good your cards were.
I was bluffing.
Uh-huh. And what is bluffing?
Is it not another word for lying?
Okay, sorry to break up this party
but, I've got resumes to fax before lunch tomorrow.
Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Settle what?
The Jamestown colony of Virginia.
You see King George is giving us the land, so..
The game, Rachel. The game.
You owe us money for the game.
Oh. Right.
You know, what, you guys, it's their first time.
Why don't we just forget about the money.
Hell, no, we'll pay.
Monica, I had another answer all ready.
And you know what? We want a rematch.
Well, that's fine with me.
Could use the money.
So basically, you get your ya-yas
by taking money from all of your friends.
Yeah.
Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea.
You have to put them together yourself
but they cost a little less.
Look, Rach, this is poker.
I play to win, alright?
In order for me to win, other people have to lose.
So, if you're gonna play poker with me
don't expect me to be a nice guy.
Okay, 'cause once those cards are dealt..
Yeah?
I'm not a nice guy.
Alright, boys, let's eat.
Oh, did you get that from the "I love Rachel" pizzeria?
You still on that?
Oh, come on, what was with that
whole Black Bart speech?
"When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy."
You are way off, pal.
I don't think so, see, Ross
because I think you love her.
Uh, no, see, I might have had feelings
for her at one time, not anymore.
[Marcel squeaking] I just.. I, uh..
(Ross) 'Marcel!'
Where are you going with that disk?
You are not putting that on again.
Marcel, okay, if you press that button
you are in very, very big trouble.
[The Token singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"]
Do you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Yeah, I know.
He can get really competitive.
[chuckle]
- What? - Hello, kettle?
This is Monica. You're Black.
Please.
I am not as bad as Ross.
Oh, I beg to differ.
The Pictionary incident.
That was not an incident.
I-I was gesturing and the plate slipped out of my hand.
Oh.
Oh! I got an interview!
- I got an interview! - You're kidding. Where?
Saks Fifth Avenue.
Oh, Rachel.
It's like the mother ship is calling you home.
- Well, what's the job? - Assistant buyer.
Oh!
I would be shopping..
...for a living!
[knock on door]
Okay, look, that is Aunt Iris.
This woman has been playing poker since she was five.
You gotta listen to every word she says.
Hi. Is Tony Randall dead?
- I don't think so. - Well, he may be now.
Because, I think I hit him with my car.
- Oh, my God! - Really?
No. That's bluffing, lesson number one.
Let me tell you something.
Everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap.
- Nice earrings. - Thank yo..
Girls, sit down.
Aunt Iris, this is Phoebe, and that's--
Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter.
Let's do it, okay?
[The Token singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"]
Ross, could we please, please, please, listen to anything else?
Alright.
[music stops]
I'm gonna pay for that tonight.
[knock on door]
Hi. Guys, guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
Okay, the fifth dentist caved
and now they're all recommending Trident?
No, the interview!
She loved me. She absolutely loved me.
We talked for two and a half hours.
We have the same taste in clothes.
And, oh, I went to camp with her cousin.
And, oh, the job is perfect.
I can do this, I could do this well.
(in unison) Oh, that's great.
Oh! And then she told the funniest story.
Okay. Great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh.
Let's play poker.
(Joey) 'Alright, now, listen, you guys.'
We talked about it and if you don't wanna play
we'd completely understand.
Oh, yes, yes, we could play some other game
like, I don't know, Pictionary?
Very funny, very funny.
But, I think, we'd like to give poker another try.
Shall we, ladies?
(both) I think we should.
Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
No, no, that's okay, you know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.
- 'Alright.' - Alright.
So, Pheebs owes 7.50, Monica, you owe $10
and, Rachel, you owe 15 big ones.
And, hey thanks for teaching us "Cross Eyed Mary."
You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.
Alright, here's my 7.50, but, I think
you should know that this money is cursed.
- What? - Oh, I cursed it.
So, now bad things will happen to he who spends it.
That's alright, I'll take it.
Bad things happen to me anyway.
This way I can break them up with a movie.
So, that just leaves the big, Green poker machine
who owes 15.
Oh, it's so typical. Ooh, I'm a man.
Ooh, I have a penis.
Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
You know what? This is not over.
We will play you again, and we will win
and you will lose and you will beg, and we will laugh
and we will take every last dime you have
and you will hate yourselves forever.
Hmm. You kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
So, you gals, wanna hand over your money now?
That way we don't have to go through the formality
of actually playing.
Oh, that's fine.
We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.
Okay, we done with the chit-chat?
Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Hey, you guys, look, the one-eyed jack
follows me wherever I go.
Right, okay. Serious poker.
(Monica) Excuse me.
- Where are you going? - Uh, to the bathroom.
Do you wanna go to the bathroom or do you wanna play poker?
I wanna go to the bathroom.
Right, well, I'm gonna order a pizza.
Oh, no, no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job
and the store closes at 9:00, so you can eat then.
That's fine. I'll just have a Tic Tac to hold me over.
Alright. Cincinnati, no blind.
- Everybody ante. - Yes!
Or no.
(Ross) Alright!
Your money's mine, Green.
Your fly is open, Geller.
You guys, you know what I just realized?
Joker is poker with a "J."
Coincidence?
Hey, that's...that's Joe-incidence with a "C."
Uh, Phoebe? Phoebe?
Yeah. Um, I'm out.
- I'm in. - Me too.
Me too. Alright, What do you got?
Well, you'd better hop out of the shower
'cause I gotta flush.
Well, well, well, hop back in, bucko
'cause I got four sixes.
I got four sixes. I won.
I actually won. Oh, my..
You know what, I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile.
I think that one was Ross'
and I think, ooh, that one was Ross'.
♪ Well I have got your money ♪
♪ And you'll never see it ♪
♪ And your fly's still open ♪
♪ Ha I made you look ♪
(Rachel) 'I'm in.'
[indistinct]
(Phoebe) Monica, in or out?
I hate this game.
Okay, Joey, your bet.
I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach
by a fat guy with sores on his face.
Oh, I'm out.
- Ross? - Oh, I'm very in.
- Chandler? - Couldn't be more out.
Me too. Rachel.
Um, I will see you, and I'll raise you.
What do you say? You wanna waste another buck?
Nope, not this time. So, what did you have?
- I'm not telling. - Come on, show them to me.
- No. - Show them to me.
Get your hands outta there. No.
You know, I've had dates like this.
Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you?
Your whole face is getting red.
The little vein's popping outta your temple.
Plus, that shirt doesn't really match those pants.
First of all, I'm not losing--
[phone ringing] Oh, you're definitely losing.
Hello. Rachel Green.
[imitating] Me-me-me.
Excuse me. It's about the job.
Barbara, hi. How are you?
Uh-huh.
No, I understand.
Yeah, oh, well, come on, no, I'm fine.
Don't be silly.
Yeah, but, you know, if anything else opens up
please...hello?
Hello?
[scoffs]
Hmm.
Sorry, Rach.
Yeah, you know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.
Yeah. Okay.
Where were we?
Oh. Okay. Five-card draw.
Uh...jacks or better.
Nothing wild. Everybody ante.
Look, Rach, we don't have to do this.
Yes, we do.
- Alright, check. - Check.
I'm in for 50 cents.
- Call. - I'm in.
I see your 50 cents..
...and I raise you...$5.
I thought it was a 50-cent limit.
Well, I just lost a job and I'd like to raise
the bet five bucks.
Does anybody have a problem with that?
[indistinct chatter]
Loser?
No, I fold.
What do you mean you fold? Hey, come on, what is this?
I thought that once the cards are dealt, I'm not a nice guy.
I mean what, were you just full of it?
I'm in.
How many you want?
One.
Dealer takes two.
- 'What do you bet?' - I bet $2.
Okay, see your two..
...and I raise you..
...twenty.
Wha..
I'll see your 20..
...raise you 25.
See your 25..
...and, uh, Monica, get my purse.
Rachel, there's nothing in it.
Okay, then get me your purse.
Okay...here you go. Good luck.
Thank you.
I saw your 25, and I raise you..
...seven.
Teen.
Joey, I'm a little shy.
That's okay, Ross. You can ask me.
- What do you need? - Fifteen.
- Here's ten. - Here, I got five. I got five.
- Thank you. - Good luck.
Okay, I am calling your 17.
What do you got?
[dramatic music]
Full house.
You got me.
- Oh! - Oh!
♪ Da da da da da-da ♪
♪ Da da da da da-da ♪♪
Oh..
Oh!
That's alright, you know, that's a tough hand to beat.
I thought we had them.
When you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards.
But, uh, look how happy she is.
- Airmail. - Airplane.
Airport '75! Airport '77!
Airport '79!
(Rachel) 'Yup, time up!'
"Bye Bye Birdie!"
- What? - That's a bird?
That's a bird.
(Rachel) Okay, it's my turn.
Go.
Uh, bean.
'Bean.'
"The Unbearable Lightness of Being!"
Yes!
That you get? That you get?