- Ow, ow, ow. - Ow, ow, ow.
Hi, uh, my friend here was taking down
our Christmas lights, and, and she fell off the balcony
and may have broken her foot or, or ankle or something.
My God. You still have your Christmas lights up?
Fill this out and bring it back to me.
- Okay, here we go. - Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
Okay.
Ooh. Alright.
Name.
Address.
Okay. In case of emergency, call?
You.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Oh, gosh. I love you.
Insurance?
Oh, yeah. Check it.
Definitely gonna want some of that.
You don't have insurance?
Why? How much is this gonna cost?
I have no idea, but X-rays alone
could be a couple hundred dollars.
Well, what are we gonna do?
There's not much we can do.
Um...unless, unless I use yours.
No, no, no..
Well, now, wait a second.
Who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
That's insurance fraud.
Well, alright. Then, forget it.
Might as well just go home.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
Okay. Okay, come here.
- I hate this. - Thank you.
Thank you, I love you.
Hi.
Um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms.
Why?
I am really an idiot.
You see I was filling out my friend's form
and instead of putting her information
I put mine.
You are an idiot.
Yep. That's me.
I'm that stupid.
I had a dream last night
where I was playing football with my kid.
(both) That's nice.
No, no. With him.
I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby.
And I, I know I've got to do something
'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Tampa Bay has got a terrible team.
Right, but..
It is just me and the baby
so I'm thinking they can take us.
And so, I, uh... I just heave it downfield.
What? Are you crazy? That's a baby!
He should take the sack?
Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield
and I realize that I'm the one
who's supposed to catch him, right?
Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time.
So I am running and I'm running
and that, that is when I woke up.
See, I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Hey, you're gonna be fine.
You're one of the most caring, most responsible men
in North America.
You're gonna make a great dad.
Yeah, Ross, you and the baby just need better blocking.
Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to "The Rainbow Room?"
- Is it real expensive? - Well, if you order stuff.
I'm taking Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
- When's that? - Uh..
- Tonight. - Ah, man.
What are the odds of that happening?
You take your time.
There it is.
- So what are you going to do? - What can I do?
Look, I don't wanna do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
And your friend Phoebe?
Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand.
I mean, wouldn't you guys?
Uh, man, if you tried something like that
on my birthday, you'd be staring
at the business end of a hissy fit.
You add a pinch of saffron. It makes all the difference.
Okay. Uh...Monica.
Yes.
Yes, she is.
- Hi. This is my friend, Rachel. - Hi.
Hi, uh, Rachel, I'm Dr. Mitchell.
And I'm his friend, Dr. Rosen.
Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor.
- Excuse me? - I meant, God, young.
Young. I meant young.
Young to be a doctor.
- Oh, good, Rach. - Thank you.
Right.
[rock music]
So he said it was just a sprain
and that was it.
You left out the stupid part.
It's not stupid.
The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out
for tomorrow night, and I said yes.
I think it's totally insane, I mean..
...they work for the hospital.
It's like returning to the scene
of the crime, you know..
I say we blow off the dates.
What? Monica, they are cute.
They are doctors.
Cute doctors. Doctors who are cute.
Alright. What have we learned so far?
[knocking on door]
Oh, God. Okay.
(all) Surprise!
What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap out of me.
- Was that the cake? - Yeah. Yep.
I got a lemon shmush.
Come on. She'll be here any minute.
Oh, I hope it's okay.
"Happy birthday, Peehee."
Maybe we can make a, a "B" out of one of those roses.
Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
Hey, what's going on?
(all) Surprise!
Oh. Oh. Oh!
This is so great.
Oh, my God.
This was not at all scary.
Hi, everybody. Hi, Betty.
Betty. Hi! You found Betty!
Oh, my God. This is so great.
Oh, everybody I love is in the same room, oh.
Where's Joey?
Did you see Betty?
I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having
a piece of this sun-dried, tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody had said to me
"Here's a tomato that looks like a prune"
I'd have said, "Get out of my office."
Dad, before I was born..
- Did you freak out at all? - I'm not freaking out!
I'm just saying, if someone had come to me with the idea--
Dad, dad, dad..
I'm talking about the whole, uh, baby thing.
Did you, uh, ever get this sort of..
...panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm going to be a father"
kind of a thing?
No.
Your mother really did the work.
I was busy with the business.
I wasn't around that much.
Is that what this is about?
No, no, dad. I was just wondering--
'Cause there's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.
You always wanted to go to that colonial Williamsburg.
How about we do that?
Thanks, dad, really. I just..
You know, I just, I just..
I just needed to know, um..
When did you start to feel like a father?
Oh.
Well, I, I guess it must have been..
...the day after you were born.
We were in the hospital room.
Your mother was asleep
and they brought you in
and gave you to me.
You were this ugly little red thing.
And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger
with your whole fist
and you squeezed it so tight.
And that's when I knew.
So you don't want to go to Williamsburg?
Well, we can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
[audio in Spanish]
Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
Okay, coming.
- Hi. Come on in. - Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, here, we brought wine.
This is from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.
So, how could we resist?
Oh, that's great. Look at that.
- So, Monica, how's the ankle? - It's..
[Rachel clearing throat]
Why don't you tell them?
After all, it is your ankle.
You know what? It's feeling a lot better.
Thank you, um..
Listen, why don't you guys sit down
and, and we'll get you some glasses.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Stat. - Oh.
Okay, listen, I'm thinking..
...why don't we just tell them who we really are.
I mean, it'll be fine. I really think it'll be fine.
It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.
Oh, Monica, would you stop being such a wuss.
A wuss?
Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
- So? - So they still seem normal.
- It's because they are normal. - Okay.
But you have to admit every time we go out with women
we meet at the hospital, it turns into--
Will you relax? Take a look around.
There are no pagan altars.
No piles of bones in the corners.
They're fine. Go like this.
I said we are not going to do it, okay?
Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.
- I am not a baby. - Serious. I mean, every time..
[both talking]
- You know what? - What?
Every day, you are becoming
more and more like your mother.
Excuse me. Hello. Here we go!
- Oh, hey. - Thanks.
This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
Thanks. I've been here about six years.
And Rachel moved in a few months ago.
Yeah.
See, I was supposed to get married, but, um..
I left the guy at the altar.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish
but, hey, that's me.
Why don't you try the hummus?
So, Monica, what do you do?
Uh...I am a chef at a restaurant uptown.
- Oh, good for you. - Yeah, it is.
Mostly because I get to boss people around
which I just love to do.
Well, this hummus is great.
God bless the chick-pea.
[laughing]
Oh, God.
I am so spoiled.
That's it.
And by the way have I, have I mentioned
that back in high school, I was a cow.
I used to wet my bed.
I used my breasts to get other people's attention.
We both do that.
[telephone ringing]
[ringing continues]
Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Uh, uh, uh, yeah, just one second.
Uh, Rachel, it's your dad.
Hi, dad.
No, no. It's me.
Listen, dad, I, I can't talk right now, um..
But there's something, um..
There's something that I've been meaning to tell you.
Would you excuse me for a second?
Remember back in freshman year?
Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
[gasping]
Daddy...daddy, daddy why?
Why would I sleep with Billy Dreskin?
His father tried to put you out of business.
You are dead!
Ross, he's got the remote again.
Good.
Maybe he can switch it back.
[TV audio in Spanish]
Maybe not.
Hello?
Um...yeah.
Uh...okay.
Uh, hold on a second. Let me
let me just check and see if she's here.
It's the woman from the hospital admissions office.
She said there's a problem with the form.
- God. Oh, God. What do we do? - Oh, God. I don't know.
Just find out what they want. Find out what they want.
Okay. No, you do it.
Hello. This is Monica.
Yeah?
Oh. Okay.
Yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.
- Yeah. Thank you. - What?
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
Oh...okay, you were right. You were right.
- This was not worth it. - Thank you.
- Okay, let me just change. - Yes.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
Trouble?
Your sister stood me up the other night.
Oh, no, don't you hate it
when people aren't there for you?
Well, did you try calling her?
I've been trying for two days.
When I called the restaurant
they said she was too busy to talk.
I can't believe she's blowing me off.
[instrumental music]
Hey.
Oh.
Um, have you got a minute?
Um, yeah. I'm just working.
- So. - Uh-huh.
Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
Oh, wow, you remembered.
Oh, it's a Judy Jetson thermos.
Right, like the kind you..
Right.
Oh, I got something for you too.
How'd you know I was coming?
Um...yeah, um, twin thing.
I can't believe you did this.
I can't believe you...did this.
So..
What's the deal with, um, you and Joey?
Oh, right.
He is so great.
But that's over.
Does he know?
Who?
Joey. You know, um..
He's, he's really nutsy about you.
- He is? Why? - You got me.
Right. Excuse me.
Doesn't this come with a side salad?
So, um, are you going to call him?
What? You think he likes me?
No, Joey.
Oh. No.
No. He is so smart.
He'll figure it out.
Do you want some chicken?
No. No food with a face.
You have not changed.
Yeah, you too.
Hi. Remember us?
Mm-hmm.
Um, yeah, you just called a little while ago
about needing a signature on the admissions form.
Well, it turns out we need a whole new one
because, you see, I-I..
I put the wrong name again, 'cause, um..
You're that stupid.
I am. I'm that stupid.
Yeah, and I'm just going to pay for this with a check.
Well, you know, your insurance will cover that.
Yeah, I know. I'm just not that bright either.
Okay, worst case scenario.
Say you never feel like a father.
Uh-huh.
Say your son never feels
connected to you as one.
Say all of his relationships
are affected by this.
Do you have a point?
You know, you'd think I would.
What's up with the simian?
It's just a fur ball.
Alright.
Okay, whose turn is it?
Yours. I just got 43 points for "Kidney."
No, no, you got zero points for "Idney."
I had a "K." Where's, where's my "K?"
[choking]
You've got to help me. My monkey swallowed a "K."
You'll have to get that animal out of here.
No, no, you don't understand, the animal hospital
is way across town, he's choking.
- I don't know what else to do. - What's going on?
Marcel swallowed a scrabble tile.
Oh.
'Excuse me.'
- This hospital is for people. - Lady, he is people.
He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy.
He, he touches himself when nobody's watching.
Please, please, have a heart.
- I'll take a look at him. - Oh, thank you.
- Michael! - Rachel.
- What? - Monica.
- Oh. - Hi.
Hey.
Urs...what are you doing here?
I've been trying to call you.
- Listen, um-- - Oh, no, no, no.
Don't say, "listen."
I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."
I'm sorry.
I don't get it. What happened?
What about everything you said under the bridge?
Yeah, um..
You know, you should just forget about
what I said under the bridge.
I was talking crazy that night.
I was so drunk.
You don't drink.
That's right, I don't.
But I was, I was drunk on you.
- Oh, Urs. - But, okay, yeah.
So it's not gonna work.
Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?
If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
No. No. I, I couldn't do that.
Um, then, yeah. It's 'cause of Phoebe.
So, you know, it's either her or me.
Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
You know..
...you're going to be really, really hard to get over.
I know.
I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breaking up or what
but...you have never looked so beautiful.
Really?
- Pheebs? - Yeah? Oh..
He looks so tiny.
- We just got the message. - Is he alright?
Yeah. The doctor got the "K" out.
He also found an "M" and an "O."
We think he was trying to spell out "Monkey."
Well, the doctor says he's going to be fine.
He's just sleeping now.
So, you feel like a dad yet?
No. Why?
Hey, come on. You came through.
You did what you had to do.
That's very dad.
Oh, look, he's waking up.
Hey, fella.
How you doing?
♪ In a New York minute ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Everything can change ♪
♪ In a New York minute ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Things can get really strange ♪
♪ In a New York minute ♪♪
[speaking in Spanish]
(together) Ola, Joey!
Ola amigos.
[speaking in Spanish]