[theme music]
I'm telling you, Ross, she wants you.
She barely knows me.
'We just live in the same building.'
Any contact?
She lent me an egg once.
You're in.
Oh, right.
Hey, Ross.
Hi.
[spluttering]
Come on, Ross, you got to get back
in the game here, okay?
The Rachel thing is not happening
and your ex-wife's a lesbian.
I don't think we need a third.
Excuse me, could we get an egg over here
still in the shell, thanks.
An egg?
Yeah, you're going to go up to her and say
"Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
I think it's winning.
Come on, I think it's insane.
She'll love it.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Here.
[stammering]
Go with the egg, my friend.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- You think its going to work? - No way.
It's suicide, the man's got an egg.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[theme music]
- You cannot do this. - What? Do what?
Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
No, Pheebs.
Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
'Cause he was creepy.
And mean, and a little frightening.
Alright, still, it's nice to have a date
on Valentine's Day.
- Hi. - Hi.
Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy
any night of the year.
I know I do.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you guys doing tomorrow night?
Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.
Oh, uh, listen, about tonight--
No, no, no don't you dare bail on me.
The only reason she's going out with me
is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.
Yes I know, but her friend sounds like such a--
Pathetic mess, I know, but..
Come on, man, She's needy, she's vulnerable.
I'm thinking, cha-ching.
Thanks.
Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice.
You're doing this.
- Hi. - Hi.
[clears throat]
- She said yes. - Oh, yes.
Way to go, man.
[egg cracking]
- Still got the egg, huh? - Yeah.
[instrumental music]
How do I look?
Oh, um...I don't care.
There's Lorraine.
Okay, now remember, no trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
- Hi, Joey. - Hey.
Well, well.
Look what you brought.
Very nice.
And what did you bring?
She's checking her coat.
Joey, I'm going to go wash the cab smell off my hands.
Will you get me a White Zinfandel
and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice?
No.
Janice?
Oh
my
God.
Hey, it's Janice.
Okay, I'm making a break for it.
I'm going out the window.
No, no, don't.
Please, I've been waiting for like
forever to go out with Lorraine.
- Just calm down. - Calm down? Calm down?
You set me up with a woman
I've dumped twice in the last five months.
Hey..
...can you stop yelling?
You're making me nervous and..
I can't go when I'm nervous.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right.
Come on! Do it! Do it, Joe.
Come on!
Okay, okay Roger was creepy
but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
Which one was Pete Carney?
Pete the weeper?
Remember the guy that used to cry
every time we had sex?
"Uh, was it good for you?"
Yeah, well, I'd take a little crying any day
over Howard the "I win" guy.
"I win, I win."
I went out with the guy for two months.
I didn't get to win once.
How do we end up with these jerks?
We're good people.
I don't know, maybe we're like
some kind of magnets.
I know I am.
That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
There's more beer, right?
Oh!
You know my friend Abby who shaves her head?
She says that if you want to break
the bad boyfriend cycle
you can do, like, a cleansing ritual.
Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Yeah.
So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys.
It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
Okay. Well, what kind of ritual?
Okay, we can um..
...we can burn the stuff they gave us.
Or?
Or, or we can chant
and dance around naked.
You know, with sticks.
- Burning is good. - Burning is good, yeah.
I got stuff to burn.
You know..
...ever since I was little
I've been able to pick up quarters
with my toes.
Yeah?
Good for you.
Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
By the way, Chandler
I cut you out of all my pictures
so if you want, I have a bag
with just your heads.
That's okay.
Oh, are you sure? Really?
Because you know, you could make
little puppets out of them and you could use them
in your theater of cruelty.
We can't do that.
What? What can't you do?
Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there.
Uh.
We might be leaving now.
Tell me it's "You and me" we.
She said she wants to slather my body with stuff
and then lick it off.
I'm not even sure what slathering is.
But I definitely want to be a part of it.
Okay, you cannot do this to me.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go, please?
I'm out of here.
Look..
...here's my credit card.
Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.
I hope she throws up on you.
Thanks.
So.
Just us.
Oh, what a crappy night.
Although, I have enjoyed the fact
that your shirt's been sticking out of your zipper
ever since you came back from the bathroom.
Excuse me.
How you doing?
So..
..do we have the best friends or what?
Joey's not a friend.
He's..
...a stupid man who left us his credit card.
Another drink? Some dessert?
A big screen TV?
I will go for that drink.
You got it. Good woman.
Can we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?
- Each. - That's right, each.
Oh, and a Rob Roy.
I've always wanted to know.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, I miss you already.
Can you believe this happened?
No, no.
And yet it did.
- Goodbye, Janice. - Kiss me.
Oh, Chandler, sorry.
- Hey, Janice. - Hi, Monica.
Okay, well, this was very special.
Rach, come see who's out here.
What's going..
Oh, my God.
- Janice, hi. - Hi.
Janice is gonna go away now.
I'll be right back.
Oh, ho.
Joey, look who it is.
Whoa.
Oh, good, Joey's home now.
This is so much fun.
This is like a reunion in the hall.
Oh, hi, Ross, yeah.
There's someone I want you to say hi to.
He just happened to call.
Hello, Ross.
Yes, that's right, it's me.
How did you know?
I'm just saying if dogs do experience jet lag
then because of the whole
seven dog years to one human year thing
then when a dog flies from New York to Los Angels
he doesn't just lose three hours
he loses, like, a week and a half.
[laughing]
- That's funny. - Yeah.
Who are they?
The blonde is my ex-wife
and the woman
touching her is her..
...close, personal friend.
That mean they're lovers?
If you want to put a label on it.
Wow. Uh, anything else I should know?
Nope, nope, that's it.
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
I always forget that part.
Hello.
(Phoebe) Okay, so now we need sage branches
and the sacramental wine.
All I had is-is oregano and alfresco.
Um...that's okay.
Ooh.
Okay.
Alright, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Okay, Pheebs, you know what?
If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual
in the first place.
Can we just start throwing things in?
Yeah, okay.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay, Barry's letters.
Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
Oh, and I have the receipt from my dinner with
Nokulule Oon Ah.
Here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.
- Oh. - Let me see.
He's wearing a sweater.
No.
- Eww. - Eww.
Okay
and here we have the last of Paolo's Grappa.
Wait, Rachel, isn't that almost pure..
How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
I don't know, You dumped her on New Year's.
Oh, man, in my next life
I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
Hello, funny Valentine.
Hi, just Janice.
Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker.
I could just kiss you all over and I'm gonna.
Oh, oh, okay.
If you don't do it, I will.
So, um, what do you do for a living?
Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..
Oh, no, I thought
you said they could shoot the spot without you.
I thought they could.
'But it's Valentine's Day.'
'I know, but it's my job.'
I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
'But actually I'm spending most of my time teaching science.'
Which is funny because
that wasn't even my major.
[laughing]
That, now that is funny.
Hey, do you think..
...would it be too weird
if I invited Carol over to join us?
Because she's, she's, she's alone now
and-and pregnant and-and sad.
- I guess. - Are you sure?
Uh, thanks. Carol.
Want to come over and join us?
Oh, no, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Come on, stand up, these people will scooch down.
Come on, come over here..
You guys will scooch, won't you?
Let's try scooching. Come on.
Thank you.
Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick.
Carol, Kristen.
How do you do?
Um, oh, Carol teaches sixth grade.
And, uh, Kristen..
Kristen
does something
that funnily enough
wasn't even her major.
What do we got there?
Eh, piece of silk
boxer shorts
some greeting cards.
Looks like a half-charred picture of..
Wow, that guy's hairier than the chief.
You know, it's a really funny story
how this happened.
Yeah, it's alright, it's alright
you don't have to explain.
This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire
that we've seen get out of control.
- You're our third call tonight. - Really?
Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night
of the year.
I brought you something.
Is it loaded?
Oh, little candy hearts.
"Chan and Jan forever."
I had them made special.
Okay, Janice.
Janice.
Hey, Janice.
Look, there's no way for me to tell you this.
At least there's no new way
for me to tell you this.
I just don't think things are going to work out.
That's fine.
- It is? - Mm-hmm.
Because I know
that this isn't the end.
Oh, no, you see, actually it is.
No, it isn't
because you won't let that happen.
Don't you know it yet?
You love me, Chandler Bing.
Oh, no, I don't.
Well, then ask yourself this
why you think we keep ending up together?
New Year's...who invited who?
Valentine's, who asked who into whose bed?
- I did, but-- - You seek me out.
Something deep in your soul
calls out to me like a foghorn.
Janice, Janice.
You want me. You need me.
You can't live without me
and you know it.
You just don't know you know it.
See ya.
Call me.
Not true, I never called your mother a wolverine.
Oh you, you did so.
I swear, I swear to..
How long has she been in the bathroom?
Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom.
Her coat is gone.
Well, maybe it's cold in there.
Oh...maybe I screwed up
the first date I had in nine years.
That could be it.
Oh, God.
You know, this is still pretty hot.
Mushroom.
Oh, smile.
They won't all be like this.
Some women might even stay through dinner.
I'm sorry. That's not funny.
It's just...well, you know
the whole getting on with your life thing?
Well, do I have to?
I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman
and, and, and she's perfectly nice, you know?
And, but that there's..
...that's it.
And, um, and then I'm here talking to you
and-and it's easy
and it's fun and I don't..
...I don't have to..
- I know. - You know?
Here's a wacky thought, um..
[clears throat]
What say you and I give it another shot?
- Ross. - No, no, no.
I know what you're going to say, you're a lesbian.
But let's..
What do you say we just
put that aside for now, you know.
Let's just stick a pin in it, okay?
Because we're great together.
You know, you can't deny it.
And beside, you're carrying my baby.
I mean, how perfect is that?
- Ross. - No, see.
You know, you keep saying that
but there's something right here.
I love you.
Oh, I love you too.
- But-- - No but, no but.
You know that thing we put over here
with the pin in it?
It's time to take the pin out.
Yeah.
You'll find someone, I know you will.
The right woman is just waiting for you.
That's easy for you to say. You found one already.
All you need is a woman
who likes men and you'll be set.
Not her.
[theme music]
We get off around midnight. Why don't we pick you up then?
- Okay, great. - Okay, great.
So, um, will you bring the truck?
I'll even let you ring the bell.
- See you later. - Bye.
- Bye. I can't wait. - See you later.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
See, there you go.
The cleansing worked.
You're right.
They're nice guys.
They're firemen guys.
You guys tell them you were married?
- No way. - Your kidding?
My girlfriend doesn't know I'm not gonna tell them.
[theme music]