Do you think they have yesterday's "Daily News?"
Why?
I just want to check my horoscope
to see if it was right.
Oh, my God, Phoebe.
Don't look now but behind you, there is a guy
who has the potential to break our hearts
and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Where?
Oh, come to mama.
He's coming. Be cool. Be cool, be cool.
- Nice hat. - Thanks.
We should do something. Whistle.
- We are not going to whistle. - Yeah, come on. Do it.
- No! No! - Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Whoa-whoa!
[siren blaring]
[tires screech]
[thud]
Oh! I can't believe you did that!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
(Monica) 'Why did I whoo-hoo?'
I mean, what was I hoping would happen?
That-that he'd turn around and say
Ooh. I love that sound, I must have you now?
I just wish there was something we could do.
Hello.
Hello, coma guy.
Get up, you Girl Scout! Up! Up! Up!
Phoebe, what are you doing?
Maybe nobody's tried this.
I wish we at least knew his name.
'Would you look at that face?'
I mean, even sleeping, he-he looks smart.
I bet he's a lawyer.
Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles?
- That means he's artistic. - Okay.
He's a lawyer who teaches sculpting on the side.
- And he can dance. - Oh!
Yeah, he's the kind of guy who
when you're talking, he's listening
you know, and not saying yeah, I understand
but really wondering what you look like naked.
Oh, definitely!
I wish all guys could be like him.
I know.
[instrumental music]
Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
- He doesn't have anyone. - Yeah.
We-we feel kind of responsible.
I can't believe you said "whoo-hoo."
I don't even say whoo-hoo.
Oh! She's coming up! She's coming up!
Folks, when we come back, we'll be talking about
her new book "Euphoria Unbound."
The always interesting Nora Tyler Bing.
You might want to put the kids to bed for this one.
You know, we don't have to watch this.
"Weekend At Bernie's" is on ShowTime
HBO and Cinemax.
No way!
Oh, come on! She's your mom!
Exactly. "Weekend At Bernie's."
Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times!
Chandler, I've got to tell you. I love your mom's books.
I love the books. I cannot get on a plane without one.
- I mean, this is so cool. - Yeah, well.
You wouldn't think it's cool if you were 11-years-old
and all your friends were passing around
page 79 of "Mistress Bitch."
Come on, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
You can say that because she's not your mom.
- 'Oh, please..' - Buena sera.
Hi, sweetie.
When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
- Last night. - Really?
So then, his plane didn't explode
in a big ball of fire?
Just a dream I had.
But, phew!
Hey, hey, hey, she's on.
Ah, Nora Bing.
Before we get to the book now-now what is this about
you-you being arrested i-in London?
What is that all about?
- Your mom was arrested? - Shh. Shh. Shh.
I'm busy beaming with pride.
This is kind of embarrassing, but..
...occasionally, after I've been..
...intimate with a man..
Now, why would she say that's embarrassing?
(together) Shh!
I just get this craving for Kung Pao Chicken.
That's too much information.
Alright, so now, you're doing this whole
book tour thing, how is that going?
Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York.
Uh, tomorrow, which I hate.
But I get to see my son, who I love.
(together) Aw!
And this is the way that I find out.
Most mom's use the phone.
You know, I-I, don't take this wrong.
I-I just don't see you a-as a mom somehow.
I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad.
Oh, no. I am a fabulous mom.
I bought my son his first condoms.
And then, he burst into flames.
[instrumental music]
♪ Nothing you can say could tear me away from my guy ♪
(Monica) 'Let's see.'
'Congress is debating a new'
'deficit reduction bill.'
The mayor wants to raise subway fares again.
The high today was 45 and..
Oh and teams played sports.
♪ Birds of a feather we stick together♪
♪ I will tell you from the start again ♪
♪ I can't be torn apart from my guy ♪
♪ Nothing you can do could make me untrue to my guy ♪
♪ My guy ♪
♪ Nothing you could buy could make me tell a lie ♪
♪ To my guy ♪ ♪ To my guy ♪
- What about Glen? - 'No.'
- He could be a Glen. - Mm-hmm.
Not-not special enough.
Ooh, how about Agamemnon?
Way too special.
♪ ...my guy ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Mm. I am famished.
- What do I want? - Please, God.
Don't let it be Kung Pao Chicken.
Oh, you watched the show! What did you think?
Well, I think you need to come out of your shell
just a..
What is this dive?
Only you could have picked this place.
Oh!
- Come on. Shut up. It's fun. - Hi.
Give me a hug.
Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
- I know I am. - Who's doing shots?
- Hit me. - Yeah. I'm in.
There you go. Ross?
Uh, I'm not really a
shot drinking kind of guy.
Hi! Sorry, sorry. We're late.
We, uh, kind of just you know..
...lost track of time.
But a man can change.
Anyone want me to appraise anything?
Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you
I have read everything you've ever written. I mean it.
I mean, when I read "Euphoria At Midnight"
all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Oh, please, honey! Listen, if I can do it, anybody can.
You just start with half a dozen European cities
throw in 30 euphemisms for male genitalia and bam!
You have got yourself a book.
My mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah. Any messages for room 226?
- You okay, slugger? - Oh. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
[sniffs]
[sighs]
- What is with you tonight? - Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
(Nora) Okay. Thank you.
[sighs]
It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it?
No. It's the one he's licking.
She's supposed to be with you.
You're good.
Oh, Ross, listen to me, I have sold
a 100 million copies of my books.
And you know why?
A girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
No, because I know how to write men
that women fall in love with.
Believe me. I cannot sell a Paolo.
People will not turn 325 pages for a Paolo.
Come on. The guy's a secondary character.
He's just, uh, you know
a complication you eventually kill off.
When?
He's not a hero.
You know who our hero is?
The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
- No. It's you. - Please.
No, really. Come on. You're smart. You're sexy.
- Oh, right. - Listen to me, kiddo.
You're going to be fine. Believe me.
[music continues]
Uh-oh.
Uh..
I'll just pee in the street.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
- Hey, is Chandler here? - Yeah.
Okay, come here.
Okay, uh, about last night, um..
You know. Chandler. You didn't tell..
Okay, 'cause I'm thinkin' we don't need to tell Chandler.
I mean, it was just a kiss right?
One kiss, no big deal, right?
- Right, no big deal. - Okay.
In bizarro world.
- You broke the code. - What code?
You don't kiss your friend's mom.
Sisters are okay..
...maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom.
Never a mom.
[screams]
What are you guys doing out here?
Uh, well, Joey and I had discussed
getting in an early-morning "Racquetball" game.
But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Yeah, well, you don't have your racquet.
No, no, I don't because it's being restrung.
Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Yeah. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.
You guys spend a way too much time together.
Okay, I'm scum. I'm scum.
Ross, how could you let this happen?
I don't know. God, I..
Well, it's not like she's a regular mom, you know..
She's-she's sexy. She's..
You don't think my mom's sexy?
- Well, not in the same way. - Hey.
I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani
was a handsome woman in her day, alright?
You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Huh?
Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you guys doing out here?
Well, n-not playing racquetball.
He forgot to leave his grip size.
- He didn't get the goggles. - Oh.
Well...sounds like you two have issues.
- Bye, baby. - Ciao, bella.
Do they wait for me to do this?
- So are you gonna tell him? - No, I'm not going to tell him.
Why would I tell him?
How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
- Oh. - What are you guys doing here?
Uh...he's not even wearing a jock strap.
What did I ask?
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by, you know
after the, uh, ahem, that I, you know.
Um, so what are you doing here?
Um, I'm not really here. I..
Just thought I'd drop these off, on..
...the way. M-my way.
Do you, um, come here a lot..
...without me?
No. No! No!
So, uh, do you think he's doing any better
than he was this morning?
How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Really? Not even to, um, change his pajamas?
- Oh, my God. - You're my friend.
I, I had to tell you.
I can't believe it.
Paolo kissed my mom?
Yeah, I mean, uh, I-I don't know
if you noticed but he had a lot to drink.
You know, I mean, you know, how he gets when he's dru..
I can't do this. I did it.
It was me. I'm sorry.
- I kissed your mom. - What?
I...I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo
and I think I had too much tequila and Nora, um..
Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was, uh..
She was just being nice, you know, and-and..
But nothing happened. Nothing. Ask Joey.
- Joey, uh, he came in.. - You knew about this?
Uh, you know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
I spent the entire day with you. Why didn't you tell me?
Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them
when I did, or else who knows what would have happened?
Thanks, man. Big help.
I can't believe this. What the hell were you thinking?
I wasn't. I-I don't know, I..
You know, of all my friends, no one knows the crap
I go through with my mom more than you.
- I know. I-- - I can't believe you did this.
- Chandler.. - Me neither, you know--
I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
- Chandler.. - Why you mad at me?
Let me slam the door!
Chandler, well, I didn't kiss her. He did.
See what happens when you break the code?
- Joey. - Ah. Uh.
[instrumental music]
- Rach. - Hey.
[indistinct chatter]
"A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green."
Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot.
I'm still on the first chapter.
Now, do you think his love stick
can be liberated from its denim prison?
Yeah. I'd say so.
And there's no J in engorged.
Hey, Rach.
- Hey. - Hello.
Hello.
Going to the hospital tonight?
No. You?
You just asked me.
Okay, maybe it was a trick question.
Um, Rachel, can we do this now?
Okay.
[chuckling] I am so hot!
And, uh, here's a picture of my mother and father
on their wedding day.
Now, you tell me she's not a knockout.
I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Come on! Just try to picture her not pregnant. That's all.
Central Perk is proud to present Ms. Phoebe Buffay.
[cheering]
(Phoebe) 'Thanks.'
Hi. Um, ahem, okay.
I'd like to start with a song
that's about a man that I recently met
who's, um, come to be very important to me.
Okay.
♪ You don't have to be awake to be my man ♪
♪ Long as you have brain waves ♪
♪ I'll be there to hold your hand ♪
♪ Though we just met the other day there's something ♪
♪ I have got to say ♪♪
Okay. Thank you very much I'm going to take a short break.
(Rachel) 'Hey, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody.'
[cheering]
What the hell was that?
Oh, uh, Phoebe just started her--
I believe I was talking to Joey.
Alright there, mother kisser?
Mother kisser.
I'll shut up.
Chandler, can I just say something?
I-I know you're still mad at me.
I just want to say that there were
two people there that night.
Okay? There were two sets of lips.
Yes, well, I expect this from her.
Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Okay, well, if she always behaves like this
why don't you say something to her?
Because it's complicated.
It's complex. It's..
Hey, you kissed my mom!
We're rehearsing a Greek play.
That's very funny. We done now?
No. Okay? You mean, you're not gonna talk to her?
You're not gonna tell her how you feel?
That would be a no. Look.
Just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom
doesn't mean you know her, alright?
Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Okay. You can't or you can't?
Okay. That's my finger.
Okay and that-that's my knee.
Still doing the play.
[groaning]
♪ Ahh ♪♪
Alright, what'd you do with him?
[toilet flushes]
- You're awake! - Look at you!
- How do-how do you feel? - Uh..
A little woozy but basically okay.
Gosh, you really look good.
I feel good.
- Who are you? - Oh!
- Sorry! - I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay.
I'm Monica Geller.
- I've been taking care of you. - Well, we both have.
So the etch-a-sketch is from you guys?
Well, actually, it's just from me.
- Yeah, I got the foot massager. - 'You know who shaved you?'
- That was me. - I read to you.
I sang. Ha!
Well, thanks.
- Oh, my pleasure. - You're welcome.
So I guess, I'll see you around.
What, that's it?
"See you around?"
Well, what do you want me to say?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, that was nice?
It meant something to me?
I'll call you?
Alright. I'll call you.
I don't think you mean that.
This is so typical.
You know, we give and we give and we give.
And then, we just get nothing back.
And then one day, it's just, you know, you wake up
and "see you around."
Let's go, Phoebe.
You know what?
We thought you were different
but I guess it was just the coma.
[instrumental music]
(Nora) 'The car's waiting downstairs.'
'I just wanted to drop off'
'these copies of my book for your friends.'
- Anything you want from Lisbon? - No, no.
Just knowing you're going to be there is enough.
Alright, well, be good.
I love you.
You kissed my best Ross!
Or something to that effect.
Okay.
Look, it-it was stupid.
- Really stupid. - Really stupid.
And..
I don't even know how it happened.
I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again.
Are we okay now?
Yeah...no.
No.
[indistinct chatter]
Ah. The forbidden love of a man and his door.
Shh.
He did it! He told her off.
And not just about the kiss, about everything.
- You're kidding. - No, no.
He said, "When you gonna grow up and bein' a mom?"
- Wow. - Wait, wait.
And she came back with "The question is
"when are you gonna grow up and realize I have a bomb?"
Okay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say
"When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?"
- That makes more sense, yeah. - You think?
- So what's going on now? - Well, I don't know.
I've been standing here spelling it out for you.
I don't hear anything. Wait, wait, wait!
- What do you see? - It's hard to tell.
They're so tiny and upside down. Wait, wait, wait.
They're walkin' away, they're walkin' away..
No, no, they're not. They're coming right at us.
Run, run, run.
- You okay, kiddo? - Yeah, I'm okay.
Alright. You be good.
Fly safe.
- Mrs. Bing. - Mr. Geller.
Hey.
You mean that?
Yeah. Why not?
- So I told her. - Oh..
- How did it go? - Awful. Awful.
Couldn't have gone worse.
- Well, how do you feel? - Pretty good.
I told her.
Well, see?
So maybe it wasn't such a bad idea
you know, me kissing your mom. Huh? Huh?
But we don't have to go down that road.
[instrumental music]
Okay.
Now, this is just the first chapter..
And I want your absolute
honest opinion, okay?
Oh! And-and on page two, he's not reaching
for her heaving beasts.
What's a niffle?
You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
Alright, alright, alright. So I'm not a great typist.
Wait. Did you get to the part about his huge throbbing pens?
I tell ya, you don't wanna be around
when he starts writing with those.
Alright, that's it. Give 'em back..
[instrumental music]