- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
Hey. What are you doing?
Figuring out our wedding plans.
That's funny. We were doing the same thing.
Yeah.
It's really crazy.
The hall, the dress, the food
I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was.
Yeah, it is really pricey.
I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.
So what did you two do about it?
It's pretty simple actually.
I came up with a couple of cost
cutting solutions, wrote out a list
and Monica told me to go to hell.
There is no way around it, Pheebs.
You're just gonna have to accept the fact
that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.
I heard the weddings are like a $40-billion-a-year industry.
Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that.
But really, it does seem like this money
could be put to better use.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Now, how would you feel if we gave
all the wedding money to charity
and-and we just got married at City Hall?
I figured it would make me wanna marry you even more.
I've got to say, you guys
that's-that's an incredible gesture.
Maybe you'd do that next time you get married.
No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be Hawaii at sunset.
But maybe the time after that.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
- Hey. - Hey.
What's going on?
Our adoption social worker's
coming by today so we're cleaning the apartment.
We?
You know you don't want me to help.
You can't have it both ways.
Hey, is this the person who decides
whether or not you get a baby?
Kind of. She's coming by to interview us, see where we live.
And it has to go perfectly because if she doesn't like
something about us, she can keep us off
every adoption list in the state.
Hey, maybe I should stop by. She could be a soap opera fan.
It's very impressive when the little people
know a celebrity.
Little people?
Celebrity.
Okay, so I think I'm just about done here
um, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere
like porn or cigarettes?
What?
- No. - Chandler?
I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation.
Okay. So there's not a magazine under the couch?
Or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of a toilet tank?
Or a filthy video in the VCR?
I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine
but that tape is not mine.
Well, it isn't mine.
I guess we'll never know whose it is.
May I help you?
Yes, we're here to make
a rather sizable donation to the children.
Well, any contribution large or small is always appreciated.
Well, I think you're gonna appreciate
the crap out of this one.
Well, this is very generous.
And we don't want any recognition.
This is completely anonymous.
Completely anonymous.
From two kind strangers.
Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.
Oh, if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter.
- Not necessary. - Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y.
And X is spelled.. Uh, Mike Hannigan.
Alright, well, on behalf of the children
thank you both very much.
Sure. I'm so glad we did this.
- It feels so good. - It does.
It feels really good.
Oh, look, and we get these free T-shirts.
Uh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.
Hmm, it's moist.
(both) Hi!
Emma will be up in a minute.
- Oh, good. - Oh, hey, Ross.
Listen, I heard about you and Charlie.
- I'm really sorry. - Aw, that's okay.
I'm sure there are tons of other
beautiful paleontologists out there.
- Absolutely. - There was one! She's it!
All the rest look like they should live under a bridge.
So, uh, what are you gonna do today?
Oh, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground.
Oh, my God. What?
Like I said, I was thinking of taking Emma
to the Museum of Knives and Fire.
Okay, look, Ross, I do not want
Emma going to the playground.
Because..
Alright, well, if you must know
I had a traumatic..
...swing incident when I was little.
- Seriously? - Yes.
I was four years old
and I was on the swing, and then all of a sudden
my hair got tangled in the chain.
And to get me out, my mom had to-had to
cut a big chunk of my hair.
[crying] And it was uneven for weeks.
[sniffling]
And you made it through that?
I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Okay, fine, you can make fun of me
I do not want Emma going there.
And I was thinking Claire Danes.
Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, okay?
But the swings are perfectly safe.
And besides, Emma loves them.
You know what? You should come with us and you'll see.
Ross, those things go, like, 40 miles an hour.
Okay, when you're.. There's that moment when you're at the top
when you just don't know
if you're gonna return back to Earth.
Space is filled with orbiting children.
Look, please, just-just come on.
You know what, when you see the look on Emma's face
I swear, you won't regret it.
- Alright. - Good.
You know, you don't wanna be one of those mothers
who pass on their irrational fears
to their children, do you?
Irrational, huh?
Alright, well, I'll remember that the next time
you freak out about a spider in your apartment.
Oh, yeah, that's the same.
I'm sure there are 30 different species
of poisonous swings.
[knock on door]
Oh, my God, the adoption lady's early.
Okay, okay. Here we go, here we go.
Stand up straight.
Big smile.
Hello, is this the Creepy Residence?
We're waiting for the adoption lady.
But hey, I'm glad you're here.
I was cleaning this morning, and I found this.
I don't know if you wanna use it, but..
Oh, this is so sweet of you.
Oh, but you know what? I won't be needing a veil.
I actually won't be wearing a dress at all.
I told you, I am not coming to a naked wedding.
No, no, no we're just..
We're not having a big reception.
We took the money we were gonna spend on the wedding
and we donated it to a children's charity.
That's crazy!
I'm sorry. I just..
I can't imagine giving up
my one wedding day like that.
Yeah, well, we're different, you know.
I don't care about having a huge party.
This is really nice for you
but, oh, please, I put this on
and, ugh, I just look like..
Well, radiant.
Alright, but who cares, you know?
I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
That's right, you're making a commitment and, you know
that's the same whether you do it at The Plaza or..
Ah, where you gonna do it?
- City Hall. - Oh!
Oh, that sounds nice.
Well, I was just there for jury duty.
They've really spruced that place up.
Okay, no, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay.
I've made my decision.
What I really want is a great big wedding. Oh!
Yay!
Uh, but you already gave all the money to charity.
We'll just ask for it back.
I don't think you can do that.
Well, why not?
This is her wedding day.
That's way more important
than some stupid kids.
That's sweet, honey, but save something
for the adoption lady.
[instrumental music]
- Okay. - Here we go.
Alright, okay, be careful.
- Okay. - Be careful.
Watch her hair. Watch her hair!
Rach, she's got, like, three hairs.
I know. I know, but they're just so beautiful.
Oh, my God, I just pulled one out!
I promise you, she's safe, okay?
Now watch. Watch how much she loves this.
- Okay, okay. - Are you ready, sweetie?
Here we go.
Okay, careful.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh!
She's smiling.
Oh, look at that! She does like it.
See? I told you.
Oh. Oh!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Look at her, she's a little daredevil!
Oh, God, oh, let me push. Can I push?
- Oh, absolutely. - Okay.
Oh, gosh.
Okay, get the camera.
It's in the diaper bag.
Okay.
See? Scared of the swings.
I bet you'll feel pretty silly.
[screaming]
We're seriously asking for the money back?
It's for our wedding day.
Alright, now, is this guy gay or straight?
'Cause one of us is gonna have to start flirting.
Wow! You're here to make another donation the same day?
I don't think that's ever happened before.
Gay. Go.
Oh, my God, I love your shirt.
The donation we made earlier
um, well, we...we want, we want it back.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, see, okay.
That money was for, um, a big wedding
that we thought we didn't want.
But it turns out we do.
So, you're asking us to refund
your donation to the children?
Yeah.
This feels really good.
Yeah, I'm sor...I'm sorry, I am, but you know
this wedding's just really important to me.
Hey, It's none of my business.
Besides, this is probably a good thing.
We've really been spoiling the children
what with all the food and warm clothing.
That's not fair.
A person's wedding is important, and especially to me.
Okay? I-I didn't have a graduation party.
And I didn't go to prom.
And I-and I spent my sweet 16
being chased around a tire yard
by an...escaped mental patient
who, in his own words, wanted to kill me or whatever.
So, I deserve a real celebration
and-and-and I'm not gonna let some sweaty little man
make me feel badly about it.
She could have been talking about either one of us.
[knock on door]
Hi. I'm Laura.
I'm here for your adoption interview.
Hi. I'm Monica.
- And this is Chandler. - Hi.
- Please come in. - Thank you.
Would you like something to drink?
Um, water would be fine.
Okay, great.
We're so glad that you're here.
We're really excited about getting this process started.
Because we love kids.
Love 'em to death.
Well, not actually to death.
That's just a figure of speech.
We love kids the appropriate amount.
As allowed by law.
Your place is just lovely.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, this building does have
a wholesome family feel to it.
You know, I-I feel like I've been here before.
Are any other couples in the building adopting?
Is that-that couple on the first floor?
Because we should get a baby before them.
Yeah, that guy tried to sell me drugs!
But other than that, wholesome..
...wholesome building.
- Oh. - What?
I just realized why I remember this place.
- Really? What is it? - Oh, it's nothing.
I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building.
And it didn't end very well.
That wouldn't by any chance be Joey Tribbiani?
- Yes! - Of course it was.
Yeah, we had a really great night
and in the morning, he promised he would call me and he didn't.
Rat bastard!
So you're not friends with him?
- Oh, God, no! - Nope.
- No, no, no. - No.
- No, nope. - Nope.
- No, no, no. - No, no, no.
[chuckles] No!
No.
Well, I'm sorry I brought it up.
So, are either one of you planning on staying at home?
[knock at door]
(Joey) 'Hello?'
'Anybody in there order a celebrity?'
'Ow!'
What-What's that?
Oh, it's just some crazy guy
who roams the halls here.
He's great with kids, though.
Oh, God, Ross!
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Son of a bitch!
Oh, relax. I didn't say the F-word!
Ross, see, I told you those swings
are evil! Alright, that is it.
That is the last time Emma is getting on
one of those things for her entire life.
No! No, no, no.
Okay, it wasn't the swing's fault.
It was my fault...and kind of
that kid's fault..
...who is still laughing.
- Nice. - Ross, come on, please.
Could we just get out of here before somebody else gets hurt?
No, wait, okay, okay, I have an idea.
I want you to get on the swing, okay?
And-and you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.
I know what this is all about.
You've always been jealous of my hair.
Look, I just think you're an adult, okay?
And you should get over your silly fears.
Alright, fine, I'll do it.
- Good. - If you hold a spider.
What? Where? Where?
If you hold a spider.
I know.
(Joey) 'Guys, is everything okay?'
- It's me, Joey! - Aah!
Aa-a-adoption!
What's going on?
Oh, just like I said, that crazy..
...Bert..
...roaming the halls.
(Joey) 'Guys!'
Keep on roaming, Bert!
We don't want any crazy today!
- 'What's going on?' - We'll talk to you later, Bert.
Everything's fine!
Everything doesn't sound fine.
Is he alright, out there by himself?
Oh, yeah. He has a caretaker.
His older brother..
...Ernie.
Bert and Ernie.
You can't make this stuff up.
You never told me about that guy and your sweet 16.
Ugh! I'm sorry about that.
Oh, it ended okay.
One of my friends shot him.
Well, hey, at-at least you're getting a proper wedding.
I mean, you really deserve that.
Yeah, I really do.
You know, I had nothing growing up.
Just like the kids I took the money from.
No, no, no.
I see where this is going.
Don't make me go back there.
Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now.
It's tainted.
Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.
And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time
my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.
Well, I must say this seems like
a lovely environment to raise a child in.
Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome
to look under any of the furniture
because, believe me you won't find
any porn or cigarettes under there.
Well, actually, before we look around
let me make sure I have everything
I need up to here.
Why don't I show you the baby's room?
What the hell are you doing?
Well, you wouldn't let me in so
I thought you were in trouble!
Well, we're not!
But you called me Bert!
That's our code word for danger.
We don't have a code word.
We don't?
We really should.
From now on Bert will be our code word for danger.
(Monica) 'So that was the baby's room.'
Uh, what room should we see next?
Any room that isn't behind this couch.
[sarcastic laugh]
Uh, some people don't get him
but I think he's really funny.
I did not care for that.
You have to get out of here.
You slept with our social worker
and you never called her back
and she is still pissed, so she can't see you.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
- 'What?' - I forgot my bat.
Oh, my God!
And for the last time, we do notwant
to be friends with you!
And we don't wanna buy your bat!
What are you doing here?
Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert.
- Are you friends with him? - I can explain.
Joey?
Uh, okay, uh..
Oh, yeah..
...you have got some nerve coming back here.
I can't believe you never called me.
- Excuse me? - Oh! Yeah!
Probably don't even remember my name!
It's Joey, by the way.
And don't bother telling me yours
because I totally remember it, lady.
Yeah, I waited weeks for you to call me!
I gave you my number, you never called me.
No, don't try to turn this around on me, okay?
I am not some...kind of..
...social work, okay, that you can just...do.
Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.
Really? Think about it. Come on.
You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny.
We had a really good time, huh?
If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?
I don't know.
Well, maybe I'm wrong. I'm sorry.
No, no, hey, no. Too late for apologies, okay?
You broke my heart.
You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you?
- Joey, wait! - No!
I waited a long time. I can't wait anymore.
I'm sorry that you had to see that.
- I'm so embarrassed. - Oh, that's really okay.
Yeah, and we totally understand.
Dating is hard!
(Laura) 'Boy, you people are nice.'
And I've got to say..
...I think you're going to make excellent parents.
Laura!
We're back.
Are you here to take more money?
Because I think what you're looking for is an ATM.
No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Yeah, 'cause, you know what, it's..
...it's all about the children.
Although..
...it's also about the wedding.
Ugh. Alright, here.
No. Oh, God! Oh..
If I haven't said so already, sir..
...congratulations.
Okay, look, enough. Alright?
I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down.
As your future husband I'm going to make
this decision for us.
Wh-What do you think we should do?
You know what? It's not your decision anymore.
What?
On behalf of the children of New York
I reject your money.
But we're-we're giving you this.
Yeah, and I'm giving it back to you.
Come on. Consider it a contribution.
Well, this is very generous.
Please, take the check.
Go have a great wedding
and a wonderful life together.
Well, I mean, it sounds good to me.
And that way, we can save up, come back in a few years
and make an even bigger donation.
Absolutely, and when you do
make sure you ask for Brian.
- Oh, is that you? - No.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh, my God! Really?
(Monica) 'I can't wait to tell Chandler.'
Okay. Good bye.
Wrong number?
It was Laura.
She gave us a great report and we are
officially on the waiting list.
That's great!
Now we just have to wait for a call
and then someone tells us
there's a baby waiting for us.
- Oh! - Aw.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Have you seen Joey's bat?
Okay. I got a spider.
There were two. I picked the bigger one.
- Okay. - Okay.
[gasps]
This feels perfectly normal.
Okay, get on the swing.
Okay.
Okay!
Okay.
Oops. Okay.
[whimpers]
- Oh! - See?
Oh, alright. I can do this.
There you go! Good for you!
And you know what? I'm actually getting used to this little guy.
I don't really even feel him in here anymore.
That's 'cause he's on your neck.
[shrieking]
Oh, my God! Oh! Ross! Ross!