- Hey. Hi. - Hi.
Pheebs, what's wrong?
I'm just so exhausted from dragging around
this huge engagement ring!
(both) Oh, my God!
- Congratulations. - Wow!
So did he get on one knee?
Did he have a speech prepared?
Oh, did he cry?
Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals.
It was really sweet
and like the most romantic thing ever.
Well, hey, well, here's to Phoebe
who's found the greatest guy in the world.
To Phoebe and...I wanna say Mike?
To Phoebe and Mike!
Thank you. Oh, and I have something for you.
Yeah, it's my little black book.
It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated.
Oh, Pheebs..
...honey, that's nice, but you know what I think I'm okay.
Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?
I would, but you're the last one.
Give me the book!
Pablo Diaz.
Grady Smith.
Guy in van?
Ah, my first love.
Ah!
What is the red "X" next
to Bob Greenmore's name mean?
Dead.
Oh, it's okay. No, he was old. Yeah.
And he lived a full life.
He was in the first wave at Omaha Beach.
I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book
when I got married.
Although it wasn't so much a book as a napkin.
With Janice's phone number on it.
Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band?
Oh, yes they are.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Hey, honey.
Hey, sweetie.
- Is Monica not here? - No.
Then I'll tell you.
My agency was bidding
for a big account and they got it.
It's my first national commercial.
Cool.
Yeah, and I don't wanna brag, but a lot
of the ideas were mine.
Hell, you weren't there. All the ideas were mine.
That's great. Hey, can you cast me in it?
Oh, I don't know. I really don't think you're right for the part.
What do you mean? I can do anything.
I'm a chameleon. Huh?
[hoarse voice] I'm old.
[yawning] I'm tired.
I am hot. I'm cold.
Huh, come on, what can't I do?
First of all, bravo.
But I really don't think you're right for this.
The part calls for a stuffy college professor.
I can do that.
Hello. I'm your professor.
When I'm not busy thinking of important things or..
...professing..
...I like to use.. Oh, what's the product?
Software that facilitates
inter-business networking E solutions.
I'm cold.
- Hey. - Hey!
Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant?
I'll give you a hint. He's looking right at you.
Huh. Well, unless it's the creepy guy
with his hand up his kilt
I'm gonna say congratulations.
I'm so excited.
Apparently, I beat out hundreds of other applicants.
Including five guys I went to graduate school with.
Not that I'm keeping score or anything.
Five.
- Wow, that's great. - Yeah.
So, tell me about the grant.
Well, okay, it's for $25,000
and if I get it, I'll finally be able
to complete my field research.
And there will be an article about me
in the Paleontology Review.
Yeah, it'll be the first time my name is in there
without people raising serious questions about my work.
Wait. Are you talking about the Dewer Grant?
Yeah, why?
Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.
- Your ex-boyfriend? - Yeah.
So your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine
if your new boyfriend gets this grant?
Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed.
No, no. We ended on great terms.
I mean, if anything, I think this could help you.
You know what?
Why don't we all go out to dinner together
and I can introduce you.
Well, if you think it would help.
Yeah, absolutely. I'll call him.
Okay, now, is there anything I can do to butter him up?
Anything he really likes?
Hmm...he does have a pretty serious latex fetish.
We'll see how dinner goes.
[knocking on door]
- Hey. - Hey, you wanna go see a movie?
Well, I told you I had to spend all day
clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.
- Oh, right. - Yeah.
Well, now that I'm here, I might as well help you
with the cleaning and organizing.
I just happen to have my label maker.
Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff.
Did you and Chandler have to make compromises
when you first moved in together?
Chandler did.
What does he want you to give up?
A bunch of stuff.
And the worst one
he wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Who's Gladys?
[gasping]
- Wow. What a tragic loss. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I really hate to give her up.
Oh, I know! Oh, you should take her!
I-I-I don't know.
What, you don't like her?
Well, of course I do.
What's not to like?
I'd take her in a minute.
But, you know, I think that
you're giving up too easy, honey.
I think that you need to fight for her.
- Really, do you think? - 'Absolutely.'
Yes, you say to him, "I'm sorry, Mike
"I can't live without her.
She means too much to me."
Okay, I'll fight for her.
Okay.
Oh, wait, oh, I just realized, if I do that
that means you don't get her.
Damn it, I did not think this through.
- Hey, guys. - Hi.
Oh, any word on casting yet?
Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part.
What do you mean?
Rach, don't I seem like a professor
you'd buy some kind of E crap from?
I'm sorry, this sounds like something
I'm never gonna be interested in.
Look, come on, please.
It's not like I'm asking you for some crazy favor.
This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor.
Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work.
Look, here's a copy of my reel.
It's got all the commercials that I've been in.
- Joe-- - Just watch it.
And if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses.
- Fine. - Thank you.
- Work, Joe. - Damn it!
- What am I gonna do now? - Just pass the tape along.
He's not right for the part.
So if I suggest to my bosses
they're gonna think I'm an idiot.
And that's something they should learn on their own.
Well, just tell Joey that you watched the tape
and you liked it, but your bosses didn't.
Then, that way, you're the good guy
and they're the bad guy.
That's good. I liked it, they didn't.
Joey, for God's sake, go to work!
I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart.
I've always thought of him as one of the people
I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party.
You think there's any chance he'll bring
Christy Brinkley or C3PO?
Sorry, looks like it's just him.
Charlie.
My God, you look absolutely stunning.
Well, I am having a good hair day.
- It's so good to see you. - You, too.
[clearing throat]
I'm okay.
Um, I'm sorry.
Ross Geller, Benjamin Hobart.
Oh, it's an honor to meet you.
I mean, I can't tell you how long I've been
an admirer of your work.
I mean, that-that Nobel Prize..Whoo!
Oh.
I mean, I have to tell you that you're one of the reasons
I got into the field.
Oh, well, likewise.
Uh, actually, not likewise.
I'd never heard of you until this morning
but it's nice to be nice.
- Oh, shall we? - Yeah.
Thank you.
I can't believe that you chose this restaurant.
- Do you remember that night? - Oh, my God.
I completely forgot.
[laughing] Oh, my God.
I can't believe they let us back in this place.
[all laughing]
[shrill laughter]
You weren't there.
No, but...you know
it's just a funny image, you know
the two of you in this restaurant
with-with the.. Hmm.
Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal
while I go to the ladies' room.
So, tell me about it.
Okay, well, I would like to do
a dig in the Painted Desert.
See, there are still several areas
that haven't been fully excavated.
- Break up with Charlie. - What?
What?
Did, did you just say "Break up with Charlie?"
Well, yes and no.
Yes, I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it.
Um, kinda inappropriate, don't you think?
Listen...I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long.
All these feelings are rushing back.
I'm starting to realize how much I missed her
and I'm gonna need you to break up with her.
Are you serious?
If you say yes, then I'm serious.
If you say no, then I'm joking.
- No. - Joking it is.
- Hi. Sorry I'm late. - Hey. How'd it go with Mike?
Is he gonna let you keep the painting?
Ah, no. He really hates it.
But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair.
So, you got to pick your battles.
But the good news is, Gladys is yours.
Wow, what's the bad news?
Who's Gladys?
Oh, she's that work of art I made
you know, with the woman coming out of the frame.
Oh, and Monica gets to keep her?
In her house? I am so jealous.
Oh, I didn't know you wanted her, too.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, sure, of course.
But...you already gave that to Monica, so..
No, I would give her up for you.
No, I couldn't let you do that.
- No, but I want to. - But I don't want you to.
- But I insist. - But I insist harder.
Girls, girls, stop. Okay, we'll flip a coin.
Heads, she's Rachel's. Tails, she's Monica's.
Tails. Monica, she's yours.
That landed in your food.
No, no, that's okay. You won fair and square.
I'm so sad.
- Hey, Joe. - What's up?
Bad news.
I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses
and they weren't interested.
Oh.
Sorry, man.
Well..
But, uh, you watched the tape?
Yeah. I-I-I liked it.
But, uh, my bosses didn't go for it.
Stupid sons of bitches!
You didn't watch the tape.
What? Of course I did.
Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
I'm not lying to you, I watched it.
- There, you lied again. - I watched it!
Keep going, Pinocchio!
- I did! - No, you didn't!
I'm telling you, I watched the tape!
- Did you watch the tape? - No.
So, the selection committee has chosen
the three of you as our finalists today.
The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers
you give to the questions I ask here.
We're gonna start with Dr. Li.
Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant
on the Linnaen taxonomic system.
How do you propose to correct this problem?
Well, I believe that the answers lie
in the osteological evidence.
- I plan to begin there. - Interesting.
I guess.
Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work.
Where might that take place?
Primarily in the Pierre-Shale region of South Dakota.
Certainly. Very well.
And, Dr. Geller, when is my birthday?
What? I...I..
Care to venture a guess?
May 12th?
That's not even kind of close.
Dr. Li, how many graduate students will you be needing?
- Half a dozen. - I see. And Dr. Biely?
Three for excavation and two for analysis.
Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit
was later covered by a popular British Invasion band?
What? I need six graduate students.
No, I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby, It's You."
"Baby, It's You."
Wha-wait, wait, wait just a minute.
None of my questions have anything
to do with paleontology.
You're right. I apologize. Scratch the last question.
Spell Mboscodictiasaur.
Um, I've never heard of a Mboscodictiasaur.
Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it.
Okay. B-O--
No, it starts with a silent "M."
Oh, come on!
I can't believe Joey.
I hate being called a liar.
But you are a liar.
What did I just say?
- You still here? - Yes.
And I have to say, I am not just hurt, I am insulted.
When I tell somebody I did something--
Okay, hold on, let me just stop you right there, okay?
First you lied, right?
Then you lied about lying, okay?
Then you lied about lying about lying, okay?
So before you lie about lying about lying
about lying about...lying about..
Stop lying!
Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?
You know what? You wanna know why?
Well, this is going well.
Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, okay?
If you had seen what was on this tape
believe me, you would have some comments.
Alright, now, remember, I got paid
a lot of money for this, and it only aired in Japan.
'Icheban.'
'Icheban. Lipstick for men.'
[instrumental music]
Icheban. Lipstick for men.
Seiko.
And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape!
[door slamming]
He really is a chameleon.
Well, Gladys, say hello to your new home.
Oh, my.
Wow! Oh!
She's so nice and big.
Oh, Monica, where are you going to display
Gladys, oh, so proudly?
Haven't really settled on a spot yet.
Oh, hey, how about right above the TV?
That way, it will be the first thing that you see
when you walk in the door.
Yeah! Yeah!
And you can get rid of that French poster.
- I like that poster. - Really?
It doesn't have anything coming out of it.
Or maybe there's someplace for her in your bedroom.
Oh! There's nothing above your bed!
Are you still here?
Oh, hi.
Hello. Uh, have you come to ask me
some more paleontology-related questions?
Um, your grandmother's nickname, perhaps?
Ann-Margaret's pant size?
I've come here to apologize.
I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie
interfere with the interview process.
No. Stop.
Anyway, I decided to offer you the grant.
Really?
Well, there is just one small stipulation.
I have to break up with Charlie?
Hey, you got that one right.
You're crazy.
Crazy or romantic?
Crazy.
- Or.. - Get out!
[gasping] Oh, my God!
What?
Joey, what is this thing doing here?
I got it from Monica.
She sold it to me for a very reasonable price.
Joey, we're not keeping this.
But it's an original Buffay.
Alright, fine, you can keep it.
As long as you don't mind that she's haunted.
Wha-what? Whoa, what? What?
Well, legend has it, Joey
that she comes alive when you're asleep.
She climbs out of the frame
and then drags her half a body across the floor
just looking for legs to steal.
And then with her one good hand
she slowly reaches up
and turns your doorknob..
[shouting] Get that legless witch outta here!
Hey, I sold that to Joey.
Well, I told him it's haunted.
- Two can play at this game. - No, too late.
- You can't give it back. - Yes, I can.
- No, you can't, she's yours! - She's yours!
- She's yours!
Hey.
- She's mine! - She's mine!
You guys, you guys, you don't have to fight over her anymore.
Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis.
[gasping]
I want Gladys!
- She's mine! - She's mine!
Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape
and I promise next time to submit you
whether I think you're right for the part or not.
That's not the point, Chandler.
- The point is that you lied. - I know. You're right.
What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?
Oh, my God.
Excellent.
Now, what do you say?
Lying is wrong.
And?
I'm a pretty little girl.
I knew it.
Your ex-boyfriend is insane.
Did you get the grant?
No, I didn't, and you wanna know why?
Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you.
- What? - Yeah.
He wouldn't give me the grant because I wouldn't give you up.
Benji isn't in love with me.
I mean, he broke up with me.
And besides, he's a very ethical man.
Really?
Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review
who was the voice of Underdog?
I'm sure he was just joking, Ross.
If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay?
I'm telling you, he didn't ask me
one paleontological question.
- Seriously? - No, oh, I'm sorry.
No, he did ask me one.
Uh, how do you spell "Mboscodictiasaur"?
Well, if it's like the Lake Bosco in Congo
then M-B-O..
Damn it!
Dr. Geller? Charlie.
What are you-what are you doing here?
I want you to tell her everything
about the deal you tried to make with me
about the-the crazy questions you..
Wally Cox.
That's the voice of Underdog.
Like I tried to tell you in the interview, Ross
this grant is not based on your knowledge
of pretty useless trivia.
No, no, no, don't do that.
I want you to look her in the eyes
and tell her the truth.
Benji?
Alright, it's true.
I behaved horribly, but it's only because I still love you
and I would do anything to have you back in my life.
Too little too late, Benji!
I can't believe this.
I never should have broken up with you.
I think about you all the time.
I mean, do you ever still think about me?
No.
- Yes. - What?
I don't know what to say, Benji.
This is all so...romantic.
Or..
Listen, I know I may be way out of bounds here
but is there any chance you would take me back?
Maybe.
Sweetie, this conversation's
starting to make me a little uncomfortable.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
I mean...there's so much history between us, you know?
I'm sorry, too.
I-I love you.
I love you, too.
Okay, that's it, we are seeing other people!
[scratching on door]
Gladys?
[screaming]
Ha ha. Third time this week.
Man, this does not get old.
[panting] You're mean!
Aw, don't be such a baby. Please.
[screaming]