[instrumental music]
Thank you, guys, for havin' us over.
Oh, yeah, this is fun couples night.
Ye-yeah, I don't know why we don't hang out
with married couples more often.
Well, because every time we do
you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.
You mean that Portuguese couple?
Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.
Hey, you guys, I've great news.
Ross, we're kinda in the middle of dinner here.
Oh, well, uh, I already ate, but sure.
Guess what happened at work today.
A dinosaur died a million years ago?
Uh, try 65 million years ago
and then try shh!
Ahem.
My, uh, tenure review board met today
and I hear it's looking really good.
- Oh, wow! - That's great!
Yeah, do you have any idea what this means
in academic circles, huh?
I am gonna get laid.
- Hi, you guys. - 'Hey.'
[gasps] Oh! Italian.
No one...no one wanted seconds, right?
Huh? No, I'm-I'm good.
Hey, you guys, you're never gonna believe it.
This headhunter called me.
I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci.
Gucci wants me.
- I'm up for tenure. - Congratulations.
- You too. What are the odds? - Oh.
Guess what?
I finally got that seed outta my teeth!
I don't know who I'm happiest for.
I do. He's been working on that all day!
Oh!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, Mon, was it weird
changing your name to Geller-Bing?
No. No, it felt nice to acknowledge this.
- Yeah. - Where did you go to do it?
Um, the, uh..
...the-the Ministry of Names?
Bureau.
- You never did it! - I'm sorry!
It's just the idea of-of being an official Bing.
Hey, I will have you know that..
Ah, who am I kidding? Let's call the kid Geller.
And let Bing die with me.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
Honey, would you want me
to take your name?
Oh, it's-it's up to you. It's your name.
You've gotta live with it.
Alright, let's see. Call me Mrs. Hannigan.
- Mrs. Hannigan? - What?
Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
Ooh, I like it.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Joe.
We got a couple things we gotta check out
at the new house, you wanna come with us?
No, thank you.
Joey, I know you're not happy about us moving
but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.
Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.
But, no, it's not close.
You said it was in escrow.
I couldn't even find that on the map.
Joey, please come.
It would mean so much to us.
You know what? You are my friends.
I wanna be supportive. I will come with you. Shotgun.
Damn it!
- See you guys later. - Okay.
- We'll pick you up at 11:00. - Okay.
I'm so glad you're coming.
Alright.
Good for you. That was really mature.
What? No, the only reason I'm going to their
stupid new house is so I can point out
everything that's wrong with it so they don't move.
I'm gonna make 'em stay here!
You're a strange kind of grownup.
Joey, you can't make someone do something
they don't wanna do, believe me!
There's something I've been trying to get
Mike to do in bed, and there's--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
Could we not talk about that now?
Alright, prude.
Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house.
You are not gonna talk them into staying here.
Hey, hey, I can convince people to do anything.
You know, I bet you I could even get Mike to do that thing.
What is it?
I am not gonna help you do that!
Oh, my God!
[instrumental music]
Hi, um, I'm here to see Mr. Campbell with Gucci.
It the reservation's probably under Gucci.
It's-it's spelled like Gucky, which can be confusing.
Mr. Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table.
[gasping] Oh, my God, that's my boss!
You have to seat us somewhere else.
I'm sorry, that's always Mr. Campbell's table.
No, but-but, but my boss cannot see me.
I'm interviewing for another job.
- I know. With Gucky. - Shh!
- Rachel? - Hi, I'm on a date!
That's great.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
You know, it's tough. Single mom, career.
You gotta get out there!
Well, you've got, a good energy.
Oh.
- Rachel? - Yes, hi.
- James Campbell. Hi. - Hi.
- Excuse us. - Please.
Okay. Oh.
Well, oh, he's cute.
- So.. - Ha.
Your resume is quite impressive.
My.. Wow.
My resume?
Well, I wouldn't-I wouldn't call
my-my online dating profile a resume.
Dating profile?
No-no-no, I'm-I'm talking about the work resume--
♪ La la la ♪♪
Whatever happened to just singing for no reason?
[laughs]
Maybe people found it weird.
So why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?
What? I-I-I don't.
- You don't? - No, I-I love-I love it there!
Well, if you don't wanna leave, why are we having this lunch?
[whispering] That is my boss.
What?
[whispering] That's my boss.
- That's Hugo Boss? - No.
[instrumental music]
God, this place is so depressing.
If I had to work here, I'd kill myself.
But you obviously haven't.
[laughs]
How can I help you?
Um, I need to change my name, please.
See, I need to change it 'cause I'm-I'm hiding from the law.
[laughs]
You're fun.
You need to fill out this form.
Okay, well, I, just so I know
I don't know how it works exactly.
See, my name is, um, Buffay
and my husband's name is Hannigan
so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan
or Hannigan-Buffay?
It can be anything you want.
Well, not anything, I mean..
Yeah. Anything.
Oh, this could take a while.
- Get outta my line. - Okay.
[instrumental music]
- Hey! - Hey, Pheebs.
Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hannigan.
Wrong again.
Apparently, you can change it to anything you want
so I thought, alright, here's an opportunity
to be creative!
So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
That's what we were gonna name the baby.
- Phoebe-- - Uh, Princess Consuela.
You seriously changed your name to that?
- Uh-huh. - Okay.
So from now on, we have to call you
Princess Consuela?
Uh, no, I-I'm gonna have my friends
call me Valerie.
Hey, how'd the interview go?
Oh! Not good.
You know, I always feel that way after an interview.
I'll bet it went better than you think.
Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci
and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
- That is a bad interview. - What are you..
What-what are you talkin' about? How'd this happen?
Well, my boss was at the same restaurant
where I was having my interview
and he heard everything!
So later he calls me into his office and he tells me
that he's gonna have to let me go
because I'm not a team player!
And I say, "Wait a minute. No, yes, I am!"
And then, I had to sit there for 45 minutes
while he proved that-that, in fact..
...was true.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
God.
Hey.
What? Ooh, w-what's this?
Why, it's-it's a bottle of champagne!
Well, why is this here?
- Ross.. - I guess it's here because..
I got tenure!
- 'Oh, congratulations.' - 'Wow.'
This is the single greatest day
of my professional career.
- Gunther, six glasses! - Six?
Y-you want me to join you?
Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good.
[clears throat]
Wow, I'm going to have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
Ooh, Israeli champagne.
And it's vanilla.
I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery.
Hey, Rach, so, uh, how did your thing go?
Oh, it good, yeah, but I'm not going to hear
about that for a couple of days.
Oh, you know what? You're going to get it.
I-I-I can feel it.
Can ya?
Well, everybody, here's to Ross!
And-and to years of hard work
finally paying off.
And to knowing
that your career doesn't mean everything.
But also knowing it means a lot.
But more importantly, to full, well-rounded lives.
That center around work.
- To Ross! - To Ross!
You know what the best part about this is?
I can never be fired.
- Oh, God. - 'No, seriously.'
I have job security for life.
You know, I mean, I never have to worry.
Oh, oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.
[sobbing] No, it's not that.
I got fired today
and I didn't get the other job.
[sighs] Oh, my..
Rach, I'm so sorry.
Oh..
- Great. I feel like an idiot. - No, it's okay.
- You didn't know. - Oh.
Little heads-up would've been nice.
[instrumental music]
Thank you for letting us see the house again.
And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means.
I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.
Take as long as you want.
Just let me know when you're through.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, so glad you decided to come.
Me too. Yeah, this place is great.
So happy for you guys.
Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.
- What? - Fungus!
Yeah, place is full of it.
What? No, it's not.
We had an inspection and they didn't find anything.
Okay, then I guess I have dry eyes
and a scratchy throat for no reason.
Maybe it's because you hung your head
outta the window like a dog
the whole ride here.
Maybe.
So this is the, uh, livin' room, huh?
Ooh, it's pretty dark.
- No, it's not. - Are you kiddin'?
I think I just saw a bat in the corner.
When your head was hanging out the window
it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?
Maybe.
Look, I just think you guys could do better
than this house, you know?
Or-or any other house, for that matter.
Oh, Joey.
Look, we know you're having a hard time with this
but we really, we love it here.
Fine, okay, if you love this house so much
then you should just live here, okay?
I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound.
[humming]
- Joey, we know that's you. - Nope.
[humming] It's not.
- Hey. - Hey!
- Welcome back. - Ah, I missed you.
- Oh, me too. - So what's new?
Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.
That's great. You changed your name?
Yes, I did.
Meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
[laughing]
- You're kidding, right? - Nope.
- You really did that? - Yup.
Yeah, but y-you can't do that.
Why? Why? It's fun, it's different
and no one else has a name like it.
Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to?
Crap Bag.
Mike Crapbag?
No. No Mike. No, just-just Crap Bag.
First name Crap. Last name Bag.
- You're not serious, right? - Yeah, I'm serious.
It's fun, it's different and no one else has a name like that.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, then great!
If you love it, I love it.
I do love it. And I love your name.
- I love Princess Consuela. - And I love Crap.
[instrumental music]
Oh!
- Who are you? - Oh, hi.
I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buyin' this house.
- Who are you? - I'm Mackenzie.
My stupid parents are selling this house.
Oh.
[sighs] I hate my parents.
I hate my friends.
Alright, look, there's-there's gotta be a way
that we can stop this from happenin'.
Like what?
Oh..
Oh! Okay.
You come with me and you tell them
that the house is haunted.
What are you? Eight?
Ah, oh, ooh, okay. Let's hear your great idea.
I don't have any great ideas. I am eight.
Ah-ah-ah.
There's gotta be a way, I mean, you know
if Monica and Chandler move out here
and now Phoebe's married to Mike
that just leaves me and Ross and Rach.
You know what I mean?
I really don't.
What am I gonna do?
I-I feel like I'm losing my friends.
My parents say I'm gonna make new friends.
Oh, yeah, sure. Easy for you. You're young.
Me, I'm set in my ways.
This is what my mom was talking about.
Whiners are wieners.
Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?
Well, yeah-yeah, yeah, I-I guess. Yeah.
Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy
don't you want them to do it?
Yeah. Maybe.
Then you got to let them go.
[sighs]
Oh-oh..
I hate to admit it, but you're..
...you're probably right.
How'd you get to be so smart?
I read a lot.
Just when I thought we could be friends.
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, Rach. I just heard. I'm so sorry.
Oh, thank you..
Still don't know my name, do you?
Well, now I don't have to.
[laughs]
Ross, what is taking you so long?
I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built
for a quick getaway!
Rachel?
Mark?
Oh, my God.
- How have you been? - Oh, fantastic. Oh.
- You remember Ross. - Sure, sure.
- Ah. - What's with the chair?
Uh, uh, you know, you can't always get
a seat on the subway, so..
[chuckles]
Clever.
So-so how are you?
Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day.
Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff
doesn't exactly say big promotion.
No, but it's good.
You know, I'm gonna take some time off
and some charity work.
Are you sure, because, uh, we may
have something at Louis Vuitton.
Well, screw charity work. What you got?
Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it?
- Great! I'll call ya. - Good.
- Okay. Nice to see you again. - Ah!
Yeah, yeah. I got tenure.
- Oh, my God! - So see?
I told you something good would come along.
And he seemed really nice.
I-ve-I've met him before?
Ross, that's Mark. From Bloomingdale's?
You were insanely jealous of him.
- That is Mark? - Yes.
- I hate that guy! - Oh!
No, no, no. You cannot go to dinner with him.
What? You don't want me to get a job?
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job.
- Maybe make you his sex-retary. - Oh!
I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay?
Ross, you know what? Okay, let's talk about it later.
There comes security.
[instrumental music]
Oh, I love this street.
The trees and the big front yards
and the actual picket fences.
Man, those two dogs are going at it.
Hey.
Hey, where you been?
Oh, just, uh, you know, looking around.
But you know what?
This house is great.
Really? What changed your mind?
Oh, well, the little girl who lives here made me feel
a lot better about the whole thing.
Joey, there was a little girl who lived here
but she died, like, 30 years ago.
What?
[laughs] I'm just messing with you.
That's not funny.
You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts.
Joey, now that you're okay with the house
do you wanna go see your room?
What? I get my own room?
[sighs] You don't think we'd buy a house and not have
a Joey room, do ya?
Oh, my God.
Hey.
(Joey) Oh, oh.
Hey, can I have an aquarium?
And a sex swing?
(together) No.
Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.
[instrumental music]
After you, Ms. Banana Hammock.
Thank you, Mr. Bag.
- Oh, hey. How are ya? - Oh, hi, Rita! Good.
- Oh, Rita's a massage client. - Yeah.
Oh. Why don't you introduce me?
Yeah, uh, Rita, this is my husband.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Why don't you tell her my name?
[chuckles]
Okay, I will.
This is, um, this is my husband, um, Crap Bag.
Crap Bag?
If you need an easy way to remember it
just think of a bag of crap.
Okay.
- Excuse me. - Yeah.
Oh. Okay, fine. You made your point.
Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?
Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
How about, um, how about Buffay-Hannigan?
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock.
Do you even know what a banana hammock is?
It's a funny word!
It's a Speedo.
Oh, crap.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, is Rachel here? - 'No.'
She's still at dinner?
I guess. Why, who's she with?
That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's.
She thinks he's just being nice to her.
But I know he really wants to sleep with her.
It's seven years ago.
My time machine works!
We ran into him on the street today
and he said he might have a job for her
but I know he just wants to get into her pants.
So what if he wants to sleep with her?
I mean, she's single and he's cute.
Excuse me?
Oh, please.
Yesterday on the subway, you couldn't stop staring
at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.
For your information I was staring at her baby.
We're about to be parents.
Oh. Sorry.
Hi, you guys.
- Hi, so, uh.. - Hi.
- How was dinner? - Oh, it was great.
Mark is so sweet.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. I wonder why?
What could that smarmy letch possibly want?
Oh, Ross.
Come on. He is happily married.
His wife just had twins.
- Should we send something? - Oh!
How did the job stuff go?
He offered me one.
- That's great. - Congratulations!
I know. It's amazing.
It's amazing, it's so much better
than what I had at Ralph Lauren.
The money is great.
Can we, can we just stop for a second?
Who said something better would come along?
Huh? Uh, you didn't believe me.
I told you everything was gonna work out.
[gasps] You know what?
This calls for a bottle of Israel's finest!
The job is in Paris.
[instrumental music]
I mean, the soap opera's
a great gig, but am I missing opportunities?
You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor.
I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?
I don't know.
But you know what?
I'm gonna put you on with my bear.
Hold on.
Hey, Bailey, I need some career advice.
[theme music]