Oh, hey, Joey.
Mmm. Hey.
Listen, um, I need to ask you something.
Okay, you know how my stepdad's in prison?
- Yeah. - Yeah, well, um..
Listen, he was supposed to get a weekend furlough
so he could come to the wedding tomorrow.
But he just called and um..
Well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard
just couldn't wait till Monday, so..
- So, he can't come? - No.
And so there's no one to walk me down the aisle
and, um..
...well, I would just really love it if you would do it.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You've, you know sort of been
like a dad to me.
I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me
and shared your wisdom.
I am pretty wisdomous.
So, what do you say?
Are you kidding, Phoebe?
I would be honored.
Oh...thank you.
Oh.
I hope..
...I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Listen, I hope..
I hope that you know..
I don't want you to see your father cry.
Uh, go to your room!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Oh. - Oh, no, no, no.
Let your dad get this.
[laughs]
[phone ringing]
Oh, it's my wedding planner.
She's driving me crazy.
Hello.
Hey, okay, stop screaming.
Okay, so halibut.
Alright, so salmon, either way, I don't, I don't..
It doesn't matter to me.
Well, it matters to me.
Well..
I don't care, so you pick.
Did you just hang up on me?
Alright, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner
tonight at 1800 hours.
Uh-huh. Okay. What time is that?
You don't know military time?
Why, I must have been in missile training
the day they taught that.
Just subtract 12.
Okay, so, 1,800 minus 12 is 1,788--
- 6 O'clock. - Okay.
Uh, hold on. Yeah. Geller here.
No, I said it has to be there by 4 O'clock, goodbye.
How hard is it to make an ice sculpture?
Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy.
I told you, I just want a simple wedding.
Please. Honey, leave the details to me.
Now, I wanna make this day as special for you as I can.
Now, okay, I was thinking that
the harpist should wear white.
Well, harpist?
My friend Marjorie is playing
the steel drums.
Oh, she backed out.
- She did? Why? - I made her.
Steel drums don't really say elegant wedding
nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent.
Hey.
She will shower when Tibet is free.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, you look great. - Hey.
I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know.
I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?
No stupid jokes, but..
...I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Rehearse it.
Hi.
Thanks for coming, you guys.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
I, uh, I was, uh, I was going for a handshake.
Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?
- That is why. - Yeah.
- So, Rach, where's Emma? - Yeah?
Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's.
Apparently, babies and weddings don't mix.
Are you still crying about your damn baby?
Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving.
Remember, 20 seconds per person.
You see these clowns all the time.
Hey, you're, you're Mike's parents, right?
- Yes, we are. - Oh.
Our little ones are growing up fast, aren't they?
How's that?
You know, on the one hand, you're happy for 'em
but on the other hand, it's hard to let go.
Who in God's name are you?
Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, okay, buddy
but I'm just trying to be nice for the kids.
You know what I just realized?
We have no idea what we're doing
in the wedding tomorrow.
Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen
but wouldn't they have asked us by now?
When did they ask you to be a bridesmaid?
Uh, November.
I wanna say it's not looking good.
- Hey, Pheebs? - Sorry?
Um, you haven't told these guys
what they're doing in the wedding yet.
Um, well, they're not in the wedding.
What?
Well..
This is really awkward.
Oh, wait. I can leave.
I'm sorry, you guys.
But, you know, Mike's got his brother
and his friends from school.
So, you know, you were..
If it helps, you were next in line.
You just, you just missed the cut.
Oh, man.
This is like figure skating team all over again.
I mean, synchronized swimming.
I mean...I mean, the balance beam.
- Help me. - Football.
Thank you.
Oh, Pheebs. Spit that out. That has pork in it.
Oh, ew.
I thought the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian.
Yeah. I changed them.
I-I sent you a fax about it.
Well, I don't have a fax machine.
Huh, well, then there are gonna be a few surprises.
I can't believe we're gonna be the only people
that aren't in this wedding.
I know. I hate being left out of things.
And it's a wedding.
It'll be weird if I'm not in it.
- Hey, guys. How's it going? - Fine.
We're just sitting here, alone, doing nothing.
It's our rehearsal for tomorrow.
Yeah, look, about tomorrow, I've got a question for you.
I just found out that one of my groomsman
had an emergency and can't make it.
- What happened? - Who cares? And?
And-and I was wondering if, you know maybe one of you guys--
- I'll do it. - No-No, me, me.
You both wanna do it? Um, there's only room for one.
Pick me. I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.
No. Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me.
I mean...watch.
Ah?
Uh, you know, I really don't feel very comfortable
making this decision.
You know, Phoebe knows you better.
I'm gonna let her choose.
Well, if Phoebe is choosing
then say hello to Mike's next groomsman.
Oh, I will, but I will need a mirror..
...as he is me.
Please. You're going down.
You are going downer.
Is that what they say on the figure skating team?
I wouldn't know, I didn't make it.
[instrumental music]
So, you know I'm filling in
for Phoebe's stepdad tomorrow, right?
Yeah, yeah, thanks for doing that.
Oh, hey, my pleasure.
So what are your intentions with my Phoebe?
I intend to marry her.
Oh, a wiseacre.
Now I-I understand you plan to support
your wife by playing the piano?
Isn't that kind of unstable?
No more so than acting.
Strike two.
You're right.
She probably will support me.
Hey, unless we move in with you, dad.
Strike three.
You only get one more, Mike.
So, what, uh, what did you decide?
I decided to pee.
Mike didn't tell you?
You have to choose one of us to be in your wedding.
One of his groomsmen fell out.
Oh, no, no. I can't choose between you two.
I love you both so much.
Just not enough to put us
in the original wedding party.
Oh.
I don't wanna choose.
- It's...oh, okay, wait. Rach. - Yeah?
Um, listen, I have a very special
bridesmaid task for you to do.
Oh, goodie. What is it?
Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman
and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler.
So good luck with that.
What? What? No, no. I don't, don't wanna do that.
Alright, I guess I have to find a new bridesmaid.
I'll do it.
Okay, it's 2100 hours. Time for your toasts.
Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
You had a bathroom break at 2030.
Pee on your own time, Mike.
Now..
...in regards to the toast, okay? You wanna keep them short.
Nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches.
Okay, you just get in, do your thing and get out.
Is that what you say to Chandler?
It's uh, 2101 and I am not amused.
Okay.
The bride and groom have a few words
they'd like to say.
Okay. Hello, everyone.
And thank you all for being here tonight.
So tomorrow's the big event.
And some of you might not know but Mike and I
didn't get off to the best start.
Um, yeah, my, um..
...my friend Joey and I, uh, decided to fix
each other up with friends, so..
...I-I..
Oh, okay. I, um..
I-I gave it a lot of thought
and I fixed him up with my friend
Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because..
'It's-it's not..'
...not important. Well, she's in rehab.
Anyway, so okay, yeah.
So Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike
only he didn't have a friend Mike
so he just brought, uh, my Mike, and-and..
[clears throat]
But despite, you know, it got, it got good.
Okay, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother
who couldn't be here.
Oh, God.
And...and moment's over.
So, okay. Um. Oh, no. Forget that.
I can forget that, and, oh, this is funny.
Oh but you need to know that to..
to get that, so..
Oh, well, okay, um..
'I...okay.'
Here...okay, Monica, I can't do it like this.
This is my wedding, okay?
I don't want, I don't want this.
Or this. Or this. Okay?
I just wanted a simple wedding where my fiancé
can go to the bathroom anytime he wants!
You know what, you're done.
- What? - You're fired!
Cheers.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Happy wedding day.
Oh, happy my wedding day to you.
Aww, okay, now, Joey, listen.
This is gonna be bridesmaid central, alright?
We're gonna have hair and makeup going on in the bathroom
and, uh, oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge
to make room for the corsages.
Oh, man!
I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew
there was gonna be corsages.
Hi, Um..
...about last night.
I know you're under a lot of stress
and, uh, well, even though..
the things you said hurt me a little bit..
...uh, my point is, uh..
...well, I'm willing to take my job back.
Oh, well, that's okay.
I think, I think you and I will do much better
if you're just, you know, here as a bridesmaid.
Oh. Is that so?
Okay.
If that's really what you want, then, here.
- I give you the headset. - Oh.
Well, I don't really wanna give you the headset.
Yeah, well, I guess if you're taking over
then you should probably return..
...these messages.
- Oh, this is a lot. - Uh-huh.
But I-I'm sure you can handle this.
I mean, I've won awards for my organizational skills
but I'm sure you'll do fine.
- You've won awards? - Mm-hmm.
I printed them out on my computer.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Uh, where's Rach? - She's in her room. Why?
Oh, I have to talk to her about this
groomsman situation, okay?
I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there
while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump.
[knocking]
[gasping] My God, you're breathtaking!
What do you want?
You haven't by any chance
chosen a groomsman yet, have you?
Oh, Ross, come on, please.
Don't make this harder than it already is.
I'm not, I'm making it easier. Pick me.
Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too.
'Listen, listen.'
Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you.
Now, I promise, I won't say a word
but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be
whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time.
Oh, you are the lesser of two evils.
Yes!
[instrumental music]
Sven, I don't understand what you're saying.
What is wrong with the flowers?
Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins?
I know.
- Hey. - Listen, Mike.
If you were Swedish and you were saying
the word, Lorkins what flower would that be?
- Orchids? - Right there.
That's why I'm marrying you.
I..
Hello, Michael.
Joseph.
May I have a word with you, please?
This is..
...is great.
Have a seat.
Last night.
I tried to welcome you into my family.
Instead, you disrespect me.
I cannot allow this.
Are you rehearsing for some
really bad Mafia movie?
More back talk.
And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines
from my recent unsuccessful audition
for "Family Honor 2, This-a Time It's-a Personal."
Joey, I kind of have a lot
to do today, what do you, what do you want?
I want you to take this seriously.
Phoebe is very, very important to me, okay?
And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her.
Joe, I love Phoebe.
I mean, she's the single most important thing in my life.
I'd die before I'd let anything happen to her.
That's what I wanted to hear
because she's family, okay?
And now you're gonna be family
and there's nothing more important in the whole world
than family.
That must have been one lousy movie.
That was me!
Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing?
If you pick Ross, you know
he'll walk you down the aisle just fine
but if you choose me..
...you'll be getting some comedy.
Even so..
I think I'm gonna pick Ross.
Let me tell you why you need to pick me.
Okay.
[sighs] See, when I was a kid, you know, I was always
left out of everything, you know
and it really made me feel insecure, you know.
I was always..
...picked last in gym
even behind that big, fat exchange student
who didn't even know the rules to baseball.
I mean, this guy would strike out
and then run to third.
Anyway, if I'm the only one
left out of this wedding, I just know that
all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.
Alright, fine, I pick you.
- Y-Y-Yes! - Oh!
Make Groom for Chandler.
Oh, my.
No, we're gonna do it my way.
Because your way is stupid.
Alright, I-I gotta go. I have another call, Reverend.
Hello.
I'm glad we had this little talk.
Yes, yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice.
That didn't make me uncomfortable at all.
Alright, so I-I'll see everybody tonight.
- Okay. - Bye.
Uh, did you guys know that there's
a giant ice sculpture in the hall?
Oh, my God, what's it doing here?
Oh, I guess it got sent to the billing address
as opposed to the shipping address.
Oh, what a pickle!
My God! Everything's such a mess.
Why is this happening to me?
How bad do you wanna stick your tongue on that?
[instrumental music]
- How's it going? - Good.
I'm just getting some coffee
so I'm alert for the wedding.
That's what I was doing too.
Well, uh..
you have fun tonight.
- You too. - Oh, I will.
Me too.
Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass.
Why are you?
- I'm not supposed to tell you. - I'm not supposed to tell you.
You told us both we could be
in the wedding?
Well...in my defense
you weren't supposed to tell each other.
Rachel, only one of us can do it.
You have to choose.
You and me together again.
- Rach, Rach, knock-knock. - Who's there?
I'll tell you at the wedding.
Hey, I forgot my scarf.
What? You know what? I can't do this.
I don't know which one of you guys to pick.
Oh, you haven't picked yet?
Oh, good, 'cause I-I had an idea.
I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman
was my family dog, Chappy.
What? A dog? No.
Rachel gets to choose.
Wow! This is a tough one.
I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog.
Alright, wait, wait, so, what, what you're saying
is that-that the chef is at the Hamilton Club
but the food is not and the drinks are there
but the bartender is not?
Are-are-are you freaking kidding me?
How's it going?
- Help me. - What?
I want you to be crazy bitch again.
Really?
Please.
You really want me to come back?
More than I wanna get married.
Okay, people, we are back in business.
Oh, God, we have missed you so much.
Okay, go get your hair and makeup done
and I'll take care of everything.
Hey, what are you guys gonna do?
- About what? - The blizzard.
I just saw on the news, it's like
the worst snowstorm in 20 years.
They already closed all the bridges and tunnels.
[gasps] But-but the band and the photographer
are coming all the way in from New Jersey.
I don't think they are.
[smirks] Looks like you're not gonna be in the wedding either.
So sorry, Pheebs.
Well, the club lost it's power.
Yeah, according to the news, most of the city did.
Since when do you watch the news?
Uh, for your information
since they hired a very hot weather girl.
I can't believe you guys aren't gonna be able
to get married today.
I know.
(Rachel) Well, you know, it's so beautiful out there.
You always wanted to get married outside.
Why don't you guys just do it on the street?
- What? - Well, look.
It's hardly snowing anymore.
I mean, you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting.
This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted.
What do you think?
I think I wanna get married to you today.
Me too. Monica, do you think we could do it?
Affirmative.
Okay, let's get these chairs out here.
Gunther, hit the Christmas lights.
Ah!
Okay, who left the ice sculpture on the steam grate?
- 'Michael.' - Hey, you made it.
Great. Chappy!
- There you go. - Hi.
Hi.
Mom, I know getting married in the street
isn't something you approve of--
No, it's lovely.
The lights and the snow..
I could look at them forever.
I crushed a pill and put it in her drink.
[laughing]
Come on, sweetheart.
You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow.
Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.
So, technically, would this person be in the wedding?
- I guess. - I'll do it.
Wait, no but Chandler, hello?
I mean, aren't you, aren't you scared of dogs?
I'm not scared.
I'll just take little Chappy and..
He can sense my fear! My throat is exposed!
Well, I guess I'm in the wedding, then.
[chuckles]
He stinks.
Level one alert! I repeat, level one!
This is not a drill.
Okay, we've got a situation.
The minister just called. He's snowed in.
- He can't make it. - Oh, no.
Oh, hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding.
- Really? - Yeah.
You think I'd give up being a minister
and start paying to ride the subway?
Uh, ministers don't ride the subway for free.
I had to read the Bible pretty carefully
but yeah, we do.
Okay, if Joey does the ceremony then we have to find
someone else to walk Phoebe down the aisle.
I'll do it!
[laughing]
[grunts]
Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position.
Chandler, come with me.
Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony
and Chandler's giving you away.
Oh, okay.
Hi, new dad.
So you ready to do this?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, my God.
- This is really happening. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, Phoebe, I'm so happy for you, honey.
Oh, thank you.
- I love you. - Oh.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no hugs. The dresses.
- Oh, what the hell. - Oh, come on.
- I love you guys. - Love you.
Okay, it's zero hour.
All teams execute on my count.
Let's get this bad boy on the road.
Is it okay that I want you to wear that headset
in bed tonight?
I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, Marjorie, hit it.
[steel drums music]
Geez, Ross, you could have showered.
It's the dog.
Groomsman, why are you just standing there?
Where is your bridesmaid? We've got a broken arrow.
Bridesmaid down.
Oh, it's me.
- Ready? - Okay.
Okay.
Oh, wait. Oh, no. Wait.
Wow!
But aren't you gonna be cold?
I don't care.
I'll-I'll-I'll be my something blue.
- You look beautiful. - Thank you.
[music continues]
Oh, my God.
- Aren't you freezing? - Nuh-uh.
[clears throat]
Friends, family, dog..
Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event.
The cold has now spread to my special place..
...so I'm gonna do the short version of this.
Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other
and I know I speak for everyone here..
...when I wish them a lifetime of happiness.
Who has the rings?
Okay.
When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad..
...or a regular family like everybody else.
And-and I always knew that something was missing.
But now I'm standing here today..
...knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need.
You are my family.
Phoebe, you are so beautiful.
You're so kind, you're so generous.
You're so wonderfully weird.
Every day with you is an adventure
and I can't believe how lucky I am
and I can't wait to share my life with you forever.
Oh, wait. Oh, I forgot.
And, um, I love you.
And you have nice eyes.
I love you too.
- Uh, Joey. - Yeah?
Chappy's heart rate has slowed way down.
Oh okay. Uh, uh, Phoebe?
Do you take this man to be your husband?
I do.
Oh!
Uh, Mike?
Do you take this woman to be your wife?
I do.
I now pronounce you..
...husband and wife.
[cheering]
I got married!
Could someone get me a coat? I'm frigging freezing.
[steel drums music]
That really was an incredible wedding.
It was, yeah.
I kind of don't want it to end.
Hey, you wanna come in for a drink
and a bite of corsage?
I'd love to but it's 2300 hours
and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had.
Nice. Oh, hey, whatever happened to Ross?
I don't know, maybe he hooked up with that
hot girl he was talking to.
Come on, Chappy. Do your business.
Make!
I did not sign on for this.