[instrumental music]
- Hey, guys.. - Wait-wait, let me tell them.
Oh, sure.
Joey's gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show.
- Oh. - Really? Which one?
Fish. Seaweed. A sunken ship.
Things you find in the ocean.
You're gonna be on "Pyramid!"
Oh, that was our favorite game show ever!
- Well, except for "Match Game." - Or "Win, Lose Or Draw."
What did I marry into?
Well, do you guys wanna come down tomorrow?
- Watch me tape the show? - Oh, we can't.
We-we're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party.
Yeah, sorry, boys. This ride's closing.
Well, and Chandler and I have
this stupid college alumni thing.
Oh, I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond.
- Seriously? - Yuh-huh!
Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie.
You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler.
Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends.
Oh, God, that's right. I blocked that out.
♪ I'm a little bit country ♪
♪ And I'm a little bit rock and roll ♪♪
I'm leaving you.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
It's so weird to see all these people again.
Oh, my God, look, there's Jeffrey Klarik.
Who?
He was roommates with John Rosoff?
He went out with Andrea Tamborino?
She dumped him for Michael Skloff?
Did I go to this school?
Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You got to remember her.
Sure. Nice.
Dude, you're married to my sister.
You're right. By saying "Nice," I'm virtually licking her.
Hey, I-I hear she's single again.
You think I should ask her out?
Are you asking permission to break the pact?
Yes, please.
[rock music]
Hey. Hey, check out the fliers for the band.
I made them on a Macintosh in the computer room.
Awesome. The name really stands out.
Thanks to a little something called Helvetica Bold 24 point.
Man, we're gonna rock that Asian Student Union!
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Missy.
Hey, Missy.
You know, our band is playing on Friday.
Yeah, yeah, you should come check us out.
We're called "Way, No Way."
- No way. - Way!
- Great. I'll be there. - Fresh.
- Boss. - Mint.
- She's gone. - I know it.
You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out.
Dude, I was gonna ask her out.
I said it first, bro.
Oh, I thought it first, homes.
- Look, if you dare-- - Wait, wait!
What are we doing?
What we have is too important
to mess it up over some girl.
I mean, we can get laid anytime we want.
Totally.
I had sex in high school.
Me too. I'm good at it.
Alright, I say we make a pact.
Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.
You got it.
Alright, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates
and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with.
- Those are the pacts. - Oh, and Sheena Easton.
But we probably couldn't get her anyway.
[chuckles] Maybe not you!
Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact.
Thank you.
Alright, here I go.
Hey, remember how scary you used to be
going up to girls in college?
Your hands are shaking.
I know, and I can't stop sweating.
(Donny) Five, four, three, applause!
[audience applauding]
Yeah! Welcome.
It is Soap Opera Week here on "Pyramid."
Let's meet our contestants.
First, Gene Lester is a database specialist.
He's gonna be playing with "Days Of Our Lives" star
'Joey Tribbiani!'
[audience cheering]
'And over here we have Henrietta..'
Listen, I know it can be intimidating
for regular people to be around celebrities
but relax, I'm just like you..
...only better lookin' and richer.
'She'll be playing with star'
'of "General Hospital," Leslie Charleson.'
[audience applauding]
Welcome, everybody. Good luck to all of you.
Let's play "Pyramid." Alright.
Now, we flipped a coin before the show.
Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start.
Which category would you like?
I'll take "You crossed the line."
Joey, describe for Gene
these things that have lines.
'Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please.'
'Ready, go!'
Uh, okay, it's a store like a supermarket.
[beeper beeps]
I see, I see what I did there. Okay, okay, okay.
- Uh, I'm writing in my.. - Diary?
No, more like a notebook..
[beeper beeps]
Dammit!
Um...oh, if I'm building a house
the plan isn't called a shmooprint..
[beeper beeps]
Can't do that either?
Oh, in high school, I once had sex with a girl
right in the middle of the..
Cafeteria.
Yeah, but that's not
what they're looking for.
Aww!
- Thank you so much for this. - Aw...you like it?
Oh, my God, it's all so elegant.
When's the dirty stuff starting?
You know, the strippers and the guys dancing
and, you know, pee-pees flying about.
Oh!
Pheebs, I...there isn't gonna be any, "Flying about."
We actually thought we were a little too mature
for stuff like that.
Oh, okay.
I see what you're doing. That's fine.
This is all there is. Just tea. Okay.
Mm...raunchy.
Seriously, Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.
Really?
So th-this is..
...this is my big send-off into married life?
Rachel, this is the only bachelorette party
I'm ever gonna have.
I've-I've got a big wad of ones in my purse.
Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?
No!
Phoebe, of course, there's more.
I mean...let me just go talk to Monica
and get an ETA on the pee-pees.
(Donny) And, Gene, I must remind you, you need all six
of these to stay in the game, alright?
Describe for Joey..
'...things you find in your refrigerator.'
Meh...they might as well just give us the points.
Give me 20 seconds on the clock.
'Ready. Go.'
- You put this in your coffee. - Uh, a spoon!
Your hands! Your face!
- It's white. - Paper! Snow! A ghost!
- It's heavier than milk. - A rock. A dog. The Earth.
Pass. You put this on a sandwich.
Salami. Anchovies. Jam.
- It's white. - Paper! Snow! A ghost!
- It's made from eggs. - Chickens!
- Pass! - Oh.
- You put this on a hamburger. - Ketchup!
- Yes! - Relish!
- Stop! - Oh.
Oh, time's up.
Joey, you were, uh..
...almost on a roll there.
'Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance'
'to go to the winner's circle in the second half'
but right now, Henrietta, you are going to the winner's circle
to try your luck for $10,000, right after this.
- Don't go away. - And we're out!
Oh, so we didn't win.
But it's fun to play the game, right?
Hey...I got a kid starting college.
I've to get surgery on my knee.
You just lost me ten grand.
Oh, wow.
I'm-I'm so sorry, okay, I promise
we'll-we'll do better next time.
Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you.
Hey, you know, some of those were pretty hard.
Like, why would there be a ghost in my fridge?
Yeah.
- So Saturday night? - I'd love to.
Great.
So how come it took you so long to ask me out?
Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kind of silly, but..
Do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing?
Sure. He was in your band.
It's been 16 years, but the air quotes still hurt.
- Sorry. - That's okay.
Um, anyway, ahem, well, he and I both
really liked you a lot, um..
but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship
so we, we kind of made a pact
that neither of us could ask you out.
- Really? - Yeah. Why?
Well, Chandler and I used to make out..
...a lot.
- You did? - Yeah.
We'd go to the science lab after hours.
And on my turf?
Hey...hey, where is this guy?
It's been-it's been over an hour.
Well, he's coming from Jersey.
He said he would get here as fast as he could.
[pounding on door]
- Who is it? - 'It's the police.'
- The police! - Oh!
(male #1) 'That's right, it's Officer Good Body.'
What's the matter, officer, has someone been bad?
[coughing]
Whoo, that's a lot of stairs!
[instrumental music]
Ooh, boy.
You should warn people there's no elevator.
[groaning]
I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch.
Are-are you gonna be okay, officer, uh..
Good Body.
If you say so.
So where's the young lady
who I am supposed to take..
...Downtown?
Oh, God.
Alright, somebody show me where to plug in my box
and we'll get this party started.
Waah!
Where? Alright.
Rachel?
- Yeah? - Um, are you kidding?
Alright, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper
so we went to the phone book, and we got
the first name we could find.
How old's your phone book?
Oh, my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment.
Oh, no, I don't want to see him take his clothes off.
Are you talkin' about me?
Oh, no!
I mean, obviously, we want to see
you take your clothes off..
...you big piece of eye candy.
Okay, okay, ladies..
...can I have your attention, please?
Oh, yeah.
Did someone call..
...for the long arm of the law?
I should warn you..
...I have a concealed weapon.
I hope you're familiar with..
this State's...Penal code.
Okay, okay, enough teasin'.
Now for some pleasin'.
[Soft Cell singing "Tainted Love"]
♪ Sometimes I feel I've got to ♪
♪ Run away I've got to ♪
♪ Get away from the pain you drive ♪
♪ Into the heart of me ♪
♪ The love we share ♪
♪ Seems to go ♪♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She cringed!
This is how I look when I'm turned on.
You were talking about me before.
Look, I don't need this.
I'm outta here. Where's my hat?
Look, I've been in this business for a long time.
Shocking.
Now, if you'll just pay me my $300..
...I'll be on my way.
$300? Are you kidding?
No, that's okay, let me just get my checkbook.
No, you're not gonna pay him. He didn't do anything.
Didn't do anything?
I took a bus all the way from Hoboken.
I climbed, I don't know, like, a billion stairs.
It's not like I can take them two at a time.
I don't care, we're not paying you $300 for this.
Well, look, it's not my fault if you're too uptight
to appreciate the male form
in all its glory.
Oh, yeah, okay, I'm uptight.
Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch
a middle-aged guy dance around in what
I can only assume is a child's Halloween costume.
I may have borrowed this from my nephew..
...but let me assure you..
...what's underneath is all man.
I'm sorry, did you say "all man" or "old man?"
Oh...you're mean.
- Uh, look, o-officer, uh, sir.. - Damn it! Oh..
Big surprise, the hunk of beef has feelings.
(Donny) Applause!
Okay, Henrietta, you picked
"Jack and Jill went up the hill."
My friend Rachel has a kid.
I totally know nursery rhymes.
Joey, describe these things
associated with the United States Congress.
Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please.
Ready...go.
[clock ticking]
Uh...uh..
...pass!
Pass!
Okay, uh, the little thing that hangs down
in the back of your throat.
- Uvula! - Oh. Then pass!
[beeper beeps]
(Donny) 'Okay.'
Henrietta, you didn't get all the points
you needed, so that means, Gene
'you are going to the winner's circle to try for $10,000'
'and you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani!'
You made out with Missy Goldberg?
How could you do that after you promised me?
Excuse me.
That didn't make us sound gay at all.
- You broke the pact! - Ross, that was 16 years ago.
That doesn't matter, we're talking about
the foundation of our friendship.
I believe the foundation of our friendship
was unfortunate hair.
Alright, look, if we're really gonna do this
it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.
- I didn't. - Oh, really?
- No. - Oh, really?
- No! - Adrienne Turner!
Yes?
(both) Hey, Adrienne.
I never did anything with Adrienne Turner.
Oh, please, and you knew how much I liked her.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Really?
Remember that big party
freshman year, a week
before Christmas vacation?
I do. You had some visitors.
[Falco singing "Der Kommissar"]
I can't believe, we're at a real college party.
I have to pee so bad.
This is so awesome.
College guys are so cute.
- Hey, you've got a boyfriend. - I know.
But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim
wants to kiss me tonight, I am so gonna let him.
Oh, hey, look. There's Chandler.
You know, that stupid friend of Ross's, who said I was fat.
You know, I've already lost four pounds.
- You can so totally tell. - I know!
Well, let's see, maybe he knows where Ross is.
Hey, how's it going?
- Aren't you.. - Yeah, Rachel.
And this is Ross's sister Monica.
We met at Thanksgiving.
Right. So, how you doing?
Bitchin'.
- Hi, Monica. - Hi, Chandler.
It's really nice to see you. Not!
[snickers]
Okay.
I'll see if I can find Ross.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Rach, beanbag chairs.
Do not let me sit in one of those.
We'll be here for days.
♪ Don't turn around oh-oh-oh ♪
Listen, Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this.
Oh, believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this.
Cool.
♪ Don't turn around oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Der Kommissar's in town.. ♪♪
I didn't know you knew about that.
Well, I did, and it hurt.
That's when I wrote the song, "Betrayal In The Common Room."
[sighs]
Man, I...I'm sorry.
Look... it was a long time ago.
So, uh..
...I made out with Adrienne, and you made out with Missy.
Well, I guess we're even.
Mm-hmm.
We are even, right?
[sighs]
Just one more thing.
I was so pissed at you that night, that I wanted
to get back at you, so I thought
"Who does Ross like more than anybody?"
What did you do to my mom?
Not her.
[Lipps Inc. singing "Funky Town"]
♪ Talk about talk about ♪
♪ Talk about movin' ♪
♪ Gotta move on ♪♪
I am so drunk.
That's weird, I've had the same number of beers as you
and I don't feel anything at all.
So you girls having fun?
For your information, assmunch..
...I've lost four pounds.
Maybe even five, with all the dancing.
- Did somebody order a pizza? - Oh, that's me!
I am so not gonna do good on my SATs tomorrow.
Well, maybe you could go to school here next year
and we could totally hang out.
Oh, yeah, there's a plan.
Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now?
Well, maybe you could get in on a beauty scholarship.
[chuckles] What a line.
So where are you applying to?
Um, well...you know, I think it's kind of really important
that I go somewhere where there's sun
so I'm sort of..
Hey!
I'm in college, and I'm in a band.
Yeah, okay.
♪ I want you to get to Funky Town ♪♪
[instrumental music]
What's the matter?
You never saw a 50-year-old
stripper cry before?
You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.
No, no, you're right.
Who am I kidding?
I shoulda hung up that break-away jock strap years ago.
What am I gonna do?
I mean, this has been my life for 32 years.
Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know.
Well, wait, no, there's got to be
something else that you can do.
I mean, what skills do you have?
I don't know.
I can make my pecs dance.
I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks.
I can go to that special place
inside me where I feel no shame.
So maybe something in an office?
Or you could, you could teach stripping.
You know, share your gift. Pass the torch.
You know, actually, that's not a bad idea.
I could do it out of my apartment.
I don't think my mom would mind.
There you go. Okay, you think you're gonna be okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
This is so weird.
You never know when it's gonna be your last dance.
And I didn't even get a chance to finish it.
Finish it.
- What? - Your last dance.
Do it for us.
- Really? - Really?
Yeah, yeah, he deserves to do
the thing he loves, one last time.
Okay. Alright. Get ready, ladies.
[Sylvester singing "You Make Me Feel"]
♪ You ♪
♪ Oh you make me feel ♪
♪ Mighty real ♪
♪ You make me feel ♪
♪ Mighty real ♪
Ooh!
Oh, this is so hot!
Oh, no, no, don't stop!
Have to.
[audience applauding]
Well, welcome to the winner's circle.
Joey, Gene, you guys ready?
- Yeah. - Sure.
Okay. Give me 60 seconds on the clock, please.
Ready...go!
Oak, maple, elm, birch.
I-I don't know, types of trees.
[bell dings]
Uh..
...Buenos dias. Enchilada. Por favor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know any Spanish words.
[bell dings]
Wow. A match. A candle.
Things that go tss when you put them out.
A torch. A bonfire.
- Uh...your pee! - Things that burn!
[bell dings]
"I'd like to go for a walk."
"Uh, scratch my belly."
Dude, dude, I think you're losing it.
"Uh, I have fur. Uh, I like to bark."
Oh, oh, oh. What a dog says.
[bell dings]
- Uh, peppero-- - Pizza toppings! Next!
Cindy Crawford. Uh, Christie Brinkley. Heidi Klum.
- Claudia Schiffer. - Oh, oh, oh!
Christy Turlington. Uh, Kate Moss.
Girls Chandler could never get?
[beeper beeps]
- Supermodels! - Where?
[instrumental music]
Hey. Where's Rachel?
She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital.
Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?
- What? When-when was this? - 1987!
The weekend you guys visited me at school.
Oh, my God. That's wild.
Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.
- Well, it matters to me. - Why?
Because the night you kissed Rachel
was the night I kissed Rachel, for the very first time!
- You kissed her that night too? - Two guys in one night?
Oh, I thought she became a slut, after she got her nose fixed.
Seriously, where did this happen?
Okay, after you told me
she was passed out in our room
I went in there to make sure she was alright.
She was lying on my bed, all-all buried in people's coats.
Well, I-I went to kiss her on the forehead
you know, but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips.
I-I started to pull away
but then I-I felt her start to kiss me back.
It was only for a second, but...it was amazing.
And now, now I find out that you kissed her first!
Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
Mine.
I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
No, she was definitely on my bed.
Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?
- Well, then, who was on my bed? - Oh! Oh! Oh!
- No! No, no! - Yes!
You were under the pile of coats?
I was the pile of coats!
Oh, my God!
You were my midnight mystery kisser?
You were my first kiss with Rachel?
You were my first kiss ever!
What did I marry into?
[upbeat music]
[music continues]
Aw, crap.
♪ Disco inferno ♪ ♪ Burn baby burn ♪
♪ Burn that mother down yo ♪♪